Confessions of the Chronically Frustrated

As you probably already know, it's been a little over 6 years of me dealing w/ this madness. And I cannot say enough just how incredibly tired I am of this situation. I still have NO diagnosis whatsoever! And at this point, I'm over the topic completely.  These days, if I'm not in the hospital, I'm at home. No where else... just home. Sadly, I barely make an attempt to go anywhere... anymore . It wasn't long ago that I would at least leave the house for a just a few hours to be with my friends. But, now, I just cannot bring myself to come out of hiding and mingle w/ the rest of society. My soul is spent! I'm constantly in a funk and I don't think it's fair to subject anyone to that. "Misery loves company." Is not at all a phrase I live by.  The holidays are here and this will be the first Christmas, since I was 14, that I am unemployed. And being jobless means no money. Without money, it's damn near impossible for me to give gift

I've reached my limit. I've NEVER cried so much in my life. Never felt so dismissed and misunderstood in all my years.  I believe that "compassion" is a required human trait. But it seems, not everyone would agree. I've been pained to my soul! Not only am I dealing w/ this illness, but I'm dealing w/ some very opinionated individuals. People that have too much to say about my situation. And I honestly don't mind it at all... IF it were coming from a place of understanding and empathy . I don't require nor desire pity... I'm not about that life. However, if you have something to say about what I'm going through, PLEASE take the time out to simply see things from my point of view!  And, if, by chance, you're having a hard time imagining it, allow me to paint this muh fuckin' picture for you... I am PISSED!!! I have been dealing w/ this for my entire adult life. And at 23 years old, STILL not knowing what the FUCK I have

SoooOo, I've been reviewing my stats and apparently , you all really enjoy my more " lighthearted " post... and DAMMIT, I like to write 'em!!! Therefore, in this particular entry, I thought I'd let you guys in on some "Fun Facts" about ME !!!! But, before I do, I wanna make something VERY clear. *Ahem* I do NOT do this blog in an attempt to collect pity. I understand that certain aspects of my life may cause some of my readers to "feel for [me]'' but chill w/ that! We all have problems and pain and struggle. This just so happens to be something I have to deal w/ because... well... I can. God will never allow anything to happen in some one's life that they couldn't handle. Hearing someone say those words to me is insulting . To me, you've  basically already accepted my defeat. And I don't need that kind of energy around me!-- I am dedicated to this blog b/c I know I'm not the only one. I know how relieving it is to

Ughhh!!!!  So, the month of September has NOT been my friend. I don't know what it was about these past few weeks but they were merciless !!! Truly. I'd go into detail and tell you how many trips I've made to the hospital but I kinda lost track. And usually , I'm not as befuddled by how often I'm under the weather, however, this shit took the cake!!! Infection after infection. Injury after injury. IV after IV. Doctor after doctor. Drug after mother-fucking drug!-- My lil ass is SPENT!!!!   I've grown a bit bitter in the last 25 days. And have formed a hatred for Dr.'s that I never thought possible. Like, I seriously hate them!!!! -- I know they're just trying to help, but at this point, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! They're seriously gonna drive me to drink! And because of my "condition" I don't see just one doctor... I see a bunch. From all sorts of departments and specialties... ALL w/ different theories and treatments. G

I'm tired.  Every part of me is over EVERYTHING!!! If it ain't one thing, than it's another and yet another and, just maybe, one more, all after that. I am spent!!! Idk how many times I can reach my breaking point and still smile. Hurt after hurt. After pain after pain. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after YEAR.  Can you imagine?!? Suffering for 6 years!!! Each year, BEGGING that the next not be like the first. And it never is... b/c with each month that soon turns into another year, it get's worse. When would you give up?? On what day would you scream "Enough is ENOUGH!" ? Honestly, how long until you truly could not stand another second in misery? My life has not been my own since the moment this all began. It was arson, the way this disease rapidly set fire to every plan, goal, and dream I'd ever set. I watched them go up in flames and turn to dust. My heart broke! Not only was I given something I didn't want,

It's been almost a year since we've last touched on my seemingly, irreversible "single status" and how I really didn't mind it, at all! Well. .. things changed... and then they went right back to being the same. Like, God's own auto-correct on my life. lol And, in the time between potential ex-boyfriends and actual exes , I learned a lot! Such as: the fact that I'm capable of loving and being loved despite my situation relationships are NEVER 50/50; sometimes it's beneficial and other times, a real pain in the ass! trust is key lies are useless your partner is a DIRECT reflection of YOUR decision-making skills be true to who and what you are from jump street (a lesson I've had to find out the hard way) 'tis truly "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" its an incredible feeling that I can't believe I slept on for so long... like, everyone should try it at least once.  But, enough of that

It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and update you on my life. Now , I've had some incredible experiences lately that have, unfortunately, been overcome by endless amounts of frustration. I've never been so over a situation in all my life! And it sucks b/c it is my life!!! As a christian, I understand that suffering is a gift... but damn if I ain't spent 6 years searching for the receipt!!! As I've said before, this disease has dictated my every breath. My life is consumed by something I literally have no control over. Now , I understand that nothing grows without a lil rain, but I've never heard of roses blooming  through a flood, either! I'm tired. Although, completely out of my control, I continuously feel like a failure. And I hate to admit it, but I've pretty much given up on myself. I'm just waiting for this thing to win. For every step forward, I swear , I'm knocked 5 steps back. And I don't think I

Here, CHOKING on the dissatsfaction that is, my life; I'm nearly BLINDED by the overwhelmingly superfluous events that came together to create it. A DAUNTING collage of failures and missed attempts, lay atop the blueprint of my destiny. BOMBARDED by all I'd done wrong and completely set apart from my dream; I felt given no other choice but to stand watch as my  helplessness  RAPIDLY transformed to  hopelessness .  DOOMED, awaiting my now unchangeable fate, I'm UNKNOWINGLY quenched by drops of  Love . Adorned along my trail of pain, lie tiny gems of BEAUTY.... Trinkets of peace, to get me through what lay in wait. Being focused solely on all that felt wrong, made it  impossible  to catch all that was SO RIGHT! Counteracting the grudge the Universe seemed to have against me, was the favor of many. Murphy's Law had me, yet, God's will  saved me ! It was NOW, that I realized there was much more going on for me, than against me. The number of wounds that pl

I cried today. I didn't know how much I'd been holding in until I couldn't possibly hold it in any longer. (follow me closely on this one, for even I don't know where it's going.) I hadn't taken the time out to acknowledge that I actually have something to cry about. Today, I was watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun and in it, a young girl w/ a severe disability was explaining something to her mom. She said, "Death isn't the worst thing." And. I. Wept.  Somehow, those 5 words expressed EVERYTHING my heart had been feeling. Although a fictional character, she spoke of a real life truth... my truth! And a truth of so many other people around this world who are broken by situations that cannot be suppressed.  I'm tired! I woke up this afternoon, wishing , I could just sleep the day away. Because it seems the only time I can't feel pain or discomfort is when I'm asleep. When I woke up at 1:30 this afternoon, my first thought... my v

The beginning of this year has led me to cash some serious reality checks!  For years now, my reality was clear : I am who I am!  I'm a creature of comfort.  I have not and will never like bananas.  I am not well. I believe that actions speak volumes! I am bullshit intolerant. I'm far from perfect! Not everyone's gonna like me & wasting my time trying to please them will NEVER be on my to do list. I am strong but can grow weary. I. Am. Human!!!! Knowing who I am has been important to me. But in keeping true to myself I allowed some situations and people into my life w/o first getting to know their truth in relation to me . (Follow me on this one. We're going in deep...) I stayed in situations that far exceeded their expiration date b/c I was in denial. I allowed myself to be treated less than anyone should ever deserve. I thought if I just stayed the course, they'd understand what an asset I was & get some act right... *shakes

There are times when you're hit w/ a hard reality... and those times, for me , come  often & close between. This past year, alone , has taken me to points I didn't even know existed!! And in those days, where things seemed impossible to handle, I PRAYED for death... I wished everyday, so badly , that I would just be taken from this hell I was being put through. Every day I was given, felt like a curse... as if God were laughing at my cries. It had taken a little over 4 years for my optimism , hope ... my faith, to shape-shift into pure cynicism . I grew tired  of hoping against ALL hope that things would turn around for me. I came to accept the fact that my fate may just lie in an early grave. And if that meant the end to my suffering, than... so be it! I stopped dreaming. I stopped living ... I was on auto-pilot headed towards a very ill fated destiny. I was alone in knowing that something had gone terribly awry w/ my body. No one believed me ... said, &qu