Confessions of the Chronically Frustrated

Within the past few months I've been doing some HEAVY thinking... like, to the point of literally giving myself a headache. There's been so much going on in my life lately... (I feel like a broken record, saying that, but w/ every passing day it seems like the hits just keep on comin') ... new people... new events... new problems... new discoveries. All these changes, ALL at once! I'm a Taurus ... I can't handle this shit!!!! And w/ all that's going on in my life lately, I've been really contemplating the future... MY future . Going back and forth and up and down and all around, STRUGGLING , w/ decisions I may never even have to make.-- I guess the majority of the stress I'm under comes from my own inner conflicts . I've found what I'm sure to be the disease I have, OR, shall I say, the disease I know's progressing, rapidly inside of me. So, of course, I've been proactive & downright OBSESSED w/ every little bit of it&

Wow ... time truly flies when you're a miserable, pathetic sack of woe .... Just kidding... kinda. It's def been a struggle lately,  BUT , I will say that for every storm that has clouded my view, there, emerged a  breathtaking  rainbow... sometimes, (RARELY) even two!!! SoOoooo... if you don't mind, allow me to update you... I LOVE words... can't get enough of 'em... they're AMAZING!!!! But lately, a lot of these words... for me... hold different connotations. For instance,  Stress:   The past 2 months of my life... and counting . --It seems that w/ every flare-up (when my condition and pain is most severe) that word, "stress," recreates itself. It's baffling, really. From family issues, to my own personal financial crisis... to ME getting in my own way... * rolls eyes *... as usual. I cannot catch a break!!  .......Still every morning I, unbelievably , manage to wake up w/ a new found optimism... like shit in my life ain't in ruins l

I almost forgot how this felt. To be me again... to know my own worth. Why I am the way I am and why those around me are there. FINALLY, you're out of my system. FINALLY, I can stand you not being here. I never thought I'd reach this place again. The same place I stood, carefree, the days before learning of your existence. Like an addict I craved you! And when I took a hit that didn't agree with me, like that same addict, I'd swear I was through. BUT then all you had to do was smile in my direction and I'd come running back to you. There, yet again, in the same place I vowed never to return to. A vicious cycle that left me confused. And every time, like a FOOL, I allowed myself to receive yet another burn from you. Always in control, you were. Playing me like a pawn. A love-sick labradoodle begging for just one drop of your attention... ... THANKFULLY, that season, too, has passed! Like a term in detox, I've purged you from my insides. No longer does the

Is it conceited to openly admit to being head over heels in love w/ myself? If so, Conceited's my middle name. Not really. It's actually, Tendaroni ... but that's neither here nor there! The point is: I'm comfortable w/ the intense love I have for myself b/c it hasn't always been this way! And, you know, it's true what they say:  You can't expect anyone else to love you when you don't even love yourself.  ...BUT... This immense love I found for myself hasn't come w/o it's own share of heartache. It maybe hard to understand, me going thru heartbreak when I, myself, am the object of my own affection. But, trust me, it's even harder to explain! Going thru all that I've been going thru, has left me worn . My soul, my body, my mind, is worn! Being in constant, unyielding, debilitating pain for 5 years now has definitely taken it's toll on my spirit. A spirit I allowed myself to get to know and eventually throw caution to the wind

I have many fears in life but my most intense and down right obvious fear of all is  monogamy . Being in a committed relationship, w/ one man, for an extended period of time scares the living daylights outta me! Seriously!!! It's not at all that I'm chronically unfaithful or anything like that. Actually, quite the opposite. I'm very loyal... almost to my own  detriment. It's just.... I guess... the underlying fear is me getting hurt.  We've previously discussed my downright refusal to ever be caught vulnerable &, to me, that's what being in a relationship is all about: Being able to be vulnerable w/ someone. And the idea of trusting someone not to take advantage of that vulnerability is taking some getting used to.  When it come to relationships I always revert back to past friendships. How I naively placed my trust and secrets w/ ppl only to be abandoned and judged. Ridiculed and betrayed. I used to see only the good in ppl and as a result, it mad

Heyy!!! Sorry to my very few dedicated readers for my recent MIA status... A lot has been wearing on my soul lately... ...But, I digress... Anyhey, I back and crazier than ever before!!! It's no secret to those who know me that I march to the beat of my own very offbeat drum . I have a way of thinking that is far beyond my own understanding & it seems to only get more & more out of control   o_O *gulp*   That alone is scaryyy.. . I often become victim to these lil phases I go thru that make NO SENSE at all!... Let us review some of the wacky things I've subjected my poor mother to, shall we?? The time I really really wanted to join the circus... as a clown of course... just to get my foot in the entertainment door. For three months during my 19th or 20th year (can't remember which), I just had to get my certification in massage therapy. Here's why that was just the stupidest thing EVER... I don't even like to be touched let alone having to ru

Being chronically ill, I have run into my fair share of problemos and even more of my fair share of assholes . Big surprise, right?... HA! And.. I guess ... that's why I don't really like having too many close relationships. B/c a lot of ppl, in their own demented way, cannot handle my way of life. And that, to me , is total and utter bullshit! BUT then again, that's life . I've titled this particular blog "Not a Good Time" b/c me being sick as often as I am is NEVER a good time. And what's even more  inopportune are the stupid ass comments and attitudes I get from the idiots LEAST affected by my illness. And as of late, I've run into a slew of health problems and was recently in the hospital for a brief spell that, of course, lead to an ear full of malarkey & got me thinking of past bullshit scenarios. Let us go down the list, shall we ?: "You're always sick!" "You might as well forward your mail to the hosp

Since I've last posted we know all about my condition and what it entails.... Well... at least what I'll share. It's a painful, debilitating, unknown disease, and blah.. blah.. blah ... sound about right??-- Coolio!-- WELL, as a result of said "condition" I have been thinking (a   little  TOO  hard) and have further created more holes in my stomach. (remember: I have ulcers) ... THE POINT IS: I want a baby ! Yesterday. I do! I really REALLY do! I've always been fascinated w/ pregnancy and childbirth and babies in general! I love the lil suckers. I always thought as a kid I'd be a mom in my early 20's but I'm 22 now and... kinda... well... man-less. And thus, fruitless:-( *taps imaginary watch* Oh, can't you see?! Times'a wastin'!!!! Now you may be thinking, "Bish! What, pray tell, does ur disorder (or lack there of) have to w/ you being lonely and barren?!"<------ THAT IS IT! That right there! ... What if I am in

The common misconception about me is that I am w/o feeling... or I'm just plain mean. I AM NEITHER!!! In fact... underneath the thick callus that has become my exterior... I'm actually quite sensitive. I am in physical pain every second of the day! There is no time for crying and feeling sorry for myself 24/7. Right now, I feel like I've been placed in a CONSTANT state of vulnerability . If I am so much as touched the wrong way or hit something a lil too hard, I BRUISE... or puke... depends on the day. *shrugs* Therefore, my emotional state is OFF LIMITS ! Being emotionally independent is literally ALL I have left. SO if you do, in fact, hurt my feelings or offend me, (neither of which is easy) I'm NOT gonna give you the satisfaction of knowing... DUH!!!! Also, if you only knew the amount of BULLSHIT I have to entertain on any given day, you wouldn't question why I'm so blunt or why my sense of humor is just a lil "off" at times. IT'