Wow... time truly flies when you're a miserable, pathetic sack of woe.... Just kidding... kinda. It's def been a struggle lately, BUT, I will say that for every storm that has clouded my view, there, emerged a breathtaking rainbow... sometimes, (RARELY) even two!!! SoOoooo... if you don't mind, allow me to update you...
I LOVE words... can't get enough of 'em... they're AMAZING!!!! But lately, a lot of these words... for me... hold different connotations. For instance, Stress: The past 2 months of my life... and counting. --It seems that w/ every flare-up (when my condition and pain is most severe) that word, "stress," recreates itself. It's baffling, really. From family issues, to my own personal financial crisis... to ME getting in my own way... *rolls eyes*... as usual. I cannot catch a break!! .......Still every morning I, unbelievably, manage to wake up w/ a new found optimism... like shit in my life ain't in ruins lol. My health only seems to deteriorate as time progresses, giving my depression the "go ahead" to render me emotionally bankrupt.
BUT...
Every time I go to throw in the towel, Grace, comes along and catches it, mid-air. And it's in those moments I am reminded: This fight isn't mine to give up! Whether I'd like to admit it or not, this "condition"... this very LONG chapter of my life is a gift! And one reserved not just for me! It took me 5 years to become privy to the fact that ppl are watching. There are those, in or on the sidelines of your life, observing you; your attitude; your reactions; your fight!!! And it's not until you're informed by those outsiders, looking in, on just how good/bad you're performing on this stage of life.
I can't tell you how often my own self worth contradicts that of those around me. At my weakest, is when I'm admired for my relentless strength. When I wish so badly that this disease would just take me already, I find ppl in awe of my will to press on. And the most pure, heartwarming compliment of all is that, I'm an inspiration to someone, especially when I find it difficult to light a fire under my own ass! LOL
Hadn't this situation belly flopped into my life, I wouldn't be the character I am today. And had I not this very interesting personality, I wouldn't have become bonded w/ so many other, just as equally, interesting ppl!!! I have this unknown source to thank for the relationships I've been blessed w/ today.!--
I LOVE words... can't get enough of 'em... they're AMAZING!!!! But lately, a lot of these words... for me... hold different connotations. For instance, Stress: The past 2 months of my life... and counting. --It seems that w/ every flare-up (when my condition and pain is most severe) that word, "stress," recreates itself. It's baffling, really. From family issues, to my own personal financial crisis... to ME getting in my own way... *rolls eyes*... as usual. I cannot catch a break!! .......Still every morning I, unbelievably, manage to wake up w/ a new found optimism... like shit in my life ain't in ruins lol. My health only seems to deteriorate as time progresses, giving my depression the "go ahead" to render me emotionally bankrupt.
BUT...
Every time I go to throw in the towel, Grace, comes along and catches it, mid-air. And it's in those moments I am reminded: This fight isn't mine to give up! Whether I'd like to admit it or not, this "condition"... this very LONG chapter of my life is a gift! And one reserved not just for me! It took me 5 years to become privy to the fact that ppl are watching. There are those, in or on the sidelines of your life, observing you; your attitude; your reactions; your fight!!! And it's not until you're informed by those outsiders, looking in, on just how good/bad you're performing on this stage of life.
I can't tell you how often my own self worth contradicts that of those around me. At my weakest, is when I'm admired for my relentless strength. When I wish so badly that this disease would just take me already, I find ppl in awe of my will to press on. And the most pure, heartwarming compliment of all is that, I'm an inspiration to someone, especially when I find it difficult to light a fire under my own ass! LOL
Hadn't this situation belly flopped into my life, I wouldn't be the character I am today. And had I not this very interesting personality, I wouldn't have become bonded w/ so many other, just as equally, interesting ppl!!! I have this unknown source to thank for the relationships I've been blessed w/ today.!--
For a lil over 5 years, I viewed this change of lifestyle as a curse, when, in all actuality... It's the greatest blessing I could have ever received!!! I've spent the last half decade strength training!! I've grown so much stronger... wiser... BETTER in every sense of the word. I'm learning so much about myself... my calling... who's gonna be there no matter what... that I'm worth being loved >>in ALL my ways<<... compassion... patience... trust... that it's perfectly OK being imperfect!!!! And the greatest lesson I've retained during this journey: No matter how tough/rough/seemingly impossible the situation, there is ALWAYS going to be someone who'd kill for your "problemos"!!!!
Despite this storm still being in it's prime, I can look back and truly say, I'll never be the person I was before all this. I've been stripped of everything! Purged completely from the inside, out! And, at first, I found it to be some sort of punishment. But, now, as I'm beginning to be restored, I am HONORED to even be considered to bear such a delicate load =)
My bad days may outnumber the good... but they definitely don't outweigh 'em!!!
Despite this storm still being in it's prime, I can look back and truly say, I'll never be the person I was before all this. I've been stripped of everything! Purged completely from the inside, out! And, at first, I found it to be some sort of punishment. But, now, as I'm beginning to be restored, I am HONORED to even be considered to bear such a delicate load =)
My bad days may outnumber the good... but they definitely don't outweigh 'em!!!
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