Heyyy!!! My good golly it's been a while since I passed through here. The Lyme induced dyslexia has been at bay for a while now so I figured I say hi.
I've missed you guys!!!
Since I last posted, MY GAWD, have things in my life changed?!-- Today I turn 31 years old and my mind simply cannot conceive it! I'm blessed. Who knew this day would come other than God?? 'Cause I for sure damn didn't. *shrugs* (I know we can use emojis now but the asterisk life just feels right today. lol) I dunno if you can sense it yet but I come to you all today drentched in so much joy! Sincerely. And it feels kinda scary to say outloud. B/c every other time I THOUGHT I was headed in the right direction in life, Life's, petty ass would snatch me RIGHT back with the quickness. It was a nevering ending cycle. To the point that I was left with so much egg on my face, I was afraid of speaking positively over my own life. Scared of getting my feelings hurt once again due to hope and expectation. I thought I was lost before. Tuh! Y'all have no IDEA the bowels of TRAUMA I had to dig myself out of these past couple of years.
Why! This is the first year I didn't have a complete existential crisis leading up to my birthday in over a decade. And idk *shrugs again* that may be the saddest truth I've ever written. Like... Idk what year was worse.-- Well, I lie. Last May was HORRENDOUS! Boi *smh* but I digress...
… But yeah by last year things had drastically changed in my life. Especially, in my Lyme Life. Shiiiid, most of my issues from 2018 honestly had very little to do with Lyme, in the grand scheme of things. There were a lot of lessons predestined for me to learn and grow outside of this invisible disease (By the way May is also Lyme Disease Awareness Month, so...yeah). A ton of karmic cycles I had to wrap up. Wounds to heal. And a vast void in self love that I had been waiting my whole life to give and receive. Like, OMG! Why didn't anybody TELL ME!!! Like, I am caught up in the rapture of it all! MaaAaannn, self love hit different when it's real. It's just like any other true love. It's not proud or boastful. It doesn't envy anyone elses self love journey. B/c when it's true it's easy to cheer on others. I mean, I FEEL different. I know I am, but I also know that the vision comes well before the manefestation... AND when you're really TRUSTING God to work it out you don't focus on it as hard. It's in His hands. Sometimes you forget about the end result altogether b/c you've learned to enjoy and find gratitude in the journey! AND, in this case, this realization of fulfillment really snuck up on me. I wasn't ready.
But, yeah, welcome to the wonderful world of ADHD b/c holy cannoli *palms face*, as I was saying, by the beginning of last year I was port free. No longer doing the aggressive IV antibiotic therapy. My port site then got infected and it was a shit show of a wound that did not close on it's own until I think the end of March (it was removed in January of that same year). So, my life took a swift turn from homebound IV patient running meds ~20 hours a day to a drastically better but still nowhere near remission Ty. And I didn't know wtf to do with that bitch! Wasn't familar. *shrugs yet again* It was like living with a stranger. One who had access to past feelings, pains, and memories. And somehow thought that bedtime was the right time to run the reel and discuss in detail... all amogst myself.
See, during the time I started this blog, I was already losing my memory, rapidly. That's why I documented all that I could WHEN I could. (I'm forever grateful my withering mind thought that far ahead.) But I didn't recall much from late pre-diagnosis 'til the end of my near 3 year aggressive treatment. Which was the fucking pits btw and the reason behind my MIA status. Not just dyslexia... however, a great card to play. LOL -- My life wasn't what I expected. And if anyone would have told me RECOVERY would be worse than actually going through treatment, ignorant me, would have found it endlessly HILARIOUS! 'Cause how?!-- But it was! I was having flashbacks and dreams of those years BATTLING that were so vivid I was afraid to sleep. I'd go nights upon nights having not slept. Usually, only doing it when someone was home. I was that scared. This life I led was absolutely no joke. It roughed me the fuck up. Slowed my pace. Made me think more. Relax harder. Work smarter. It threw me for a loop I was NEVER mentally or emotionally prepared for. Like... I seen some shit.
I was learning new ways to cope with my life. Most, in the beginning, weren't the best. I dealt with the pain of remembering by trying to will myself to forget. HA!!! Let me be the one to tell you there is not enough herb in the WORLD!!! So, I had a lot of digging to do... DEEP fuggin digging. *rolls eyes* But like I said, I learned a WHOLE lot. Mainly about myself. And most of it was more me ACCEPTING the things about myself that I'd always suppressed or denied.
But...
With all that being said, *grabs megaphone* TURN TF UP!!! 'Cause it's my birthday and I'm finally excited about life!
I've missed you guys!!!
Since I last posted, MY GAWD, have things in my life changed?!-- Today I turn 31 years old and my mind simply cannot conceive it! I'm blessed. Who knew this day would come other than God?? 'Cause I for sure damn didn't. *shrugs* (I know we can use emojis now but the asterisk life just feels right today. lol) I dunno if you can sense it yet but I come to you all today drentched in so much joy! Sincerely. And it feels kinda scary to say outloud. B/c every other time I THOUGHT I was headed in the right direction in life, Life's, petty ass would snatch me RIGHT back with the quickness. It was a nevering ending cycle. To the point that I was left with so much egg on my face, I was afraid of speaking positively over my own life. Scared of getting my feelings hurt once again due to hope and expectation. I thought I was lost before. Tuh! Y'all have no IDEA the bowels of TRAUMA I had to dig myself out of these past couple of years.
Why! This is the first year I didn't have a complete existential crisis leading up to my birthday in over a decade. And idk *shrugs again* that may be the saddest truth I've ever written. Like... Idk what year was worse.-- Well, I lie. Last May was HORRENDOUS! Boi *smh* but I digress...
… But yeah by last year things had drastically changed in my life. Especially, in my Lyme Life. Shiiiid, most of my issues from 2018 honestly had very little to do with Lyme, in the grand scheme of things. There were a lot of lessons predestined for me to learn and grow outside of this invisible disease (By the way May is also Lyme Disease Awareness Month, so...yeah). A ton of karmic cycles I had to wrap up. Wounds to heal. And a vast void in self love that I had been waiting my whole life to give and receive. Like, OMG! Why didn't anybody TELL ME!!! Like, I am caught up in the rapture of it all! MaaAaannn, self love hit different when it's real. It's just like any other true love. It's not proud or boastful. It doesn't envy anyone elses self love journey. B/c when it's true it's easy to cheer on others. I mean, I FEEL different. I know I am, but I also know that the vision comes well before the manefestation... AND when you're really TRUSTING God to work it out you don't focus on it as hard. It's in His hands. Sometimes you forget about the end result altogether b/c you've learned to enjoy and find gratitude in the journey! AND, in this case, this realization of fulfillment really snuck up on me. I wasn't ready.
But, yeah, welcome to the wonderful world of ADHD b/c holy cannoli *palms face*, as I was saying, by the beginning of last year I was port free. No longer doing the aggressive IV antibiotic therapy. My port site then got infected and it was a shit show of a wound that did not close on it's own until I think the end of March (it was removed in January of that same year). So, my life took a swift turn from homebound IV patient running meds ~20 hours a day to a drastically better but still nowhere near remission Ty. And I didn't know wtf to do with that bitch! Wasn't familar. *shrugs yet again* It was like living with a stranger. One who had access to past feelings, pains, and memories. And somehow thought that bedtime was the right time to run the reel and discuss in detail... all amogst myself.
See, during the time I started this blog, I was already losing my memory, rapidly. That's why I documented all that I could WHEN I could. (I'm forever grateful my withering mind thought that far ahead.) But I didn't recall much from late pre-diagnosis 'til the end of my near 3 year aggressive treatment. Which was the fucking pits btw and the reason behind my MIA status. Not just dyslexia... however, a great card to play. LOL -- My life wasn't what I expected. And if anyone would have told me RECOVERY would be worse than actually going through treatment, ignorant me, would have found it endlessly HILARIOUS! 'Cause how?!-- But it was! I was having flashbacks and dreams of those years BATTLING that were so vivid I was afraid to sleep. I'd go nights upon nights having not slept. Usually, only doing it when someone was home. I was that scared. This life I led was absolutely no joke. It roughed me the fuck up. Slowed my pace. Made me think more. Relax harder. Work smarter. It threw me for a loop I was NEVER mentally or emotionally prepared for. Like... I seen some shit.
I was learning new ways to cope with my life. Most, in the beginning, weren't the best. I dealt with the pain of remembering by trying to will myself to forget. HA!!! Let me be the one to tell you there is not enough herb in the WORLD!!! So, I had a lot of digging to do... DEEP fuggin digging. *rolls eyes* But like I said, I learned a WHOLE lot. Mainly about myself. And most of it was more me ACCEPTING the things about myself that I'd always suppressed or denied.
But...
- I am terribly sensitive. I don't always show it. And have reverted to not being able to really cry in front of others/in public again. So, my pride is safe. lol But being a "sensey" is who I am. There isn't anything wrong with it. It's my empathic superpower.
- It is INSTINCTUAL for me to operate from a place of love. It don't always work out for the kid.... (stay posted for Chronically Single: The Trilogy. hahahaha)... but I've learned to protect my heart in the process 'cause THAT I WON'T change. I ain't got the time nor strength for the additional bad juju.
- I'm a hopeless romantic. It makes me literally CRINGE to admit. But I've been doing a deep dive into a journal book I've had from back in 2009 and omg it was embarrassing to read. I am LEGIT all about LOVE! Self love. New love. Old love. Rekindled love. Love at first sight. Endless love. Love on Top. Healthy Love. Nurturing love. Love that knows no limits BUT is intent on working with the brain because it knows that's where it's weak.
- I'm a pretty dope ass chick. And I'm more than comfortable letting you know that I know that everybody I encounter KNOWS (whether they admit it or like me or not) that I am a rare breed. And there is no comparing me.-- Hell, I'm having a hard time comparing myself to myself these days... I've changed that much.
- The external is gonna take a bit to catch up with the internal and I'm okay with that. Your validation means NOTHING to me if it's not cosigned by God's. BIG PERIOD!
- That being said, the ONLY two things I fear, are my God and my own greatness. And being able to admit that the latter of the two has held me back in many an arena. Sucks but it's the truth.
- I give better than I receive. It's something I've been working at daily. B/c I am realizing it does a disservice to your own emotional and mental health when you deny yourself what you give others and call it "humility"... nah. I was just selling myself HELLA short. (btw it's also Mental Health Awareness Month)
- I habitually underestimate my own strength.-- Like, the last year alone, y'all, I had to tackle a lot of demons that completely BLITZED my ass. I've dealt with a lot of DEEP loss. Loss I don't even talk about. Loss to which the thought alone leaves me in legit despair.
- I'm a lover. But I will also do major damage. -- Trying to get this whole polarity thing down... Merging my shadow self (dark side) with my light (which is the side that everyone sees... the side I rarely stifle) was probably the hardest lesson of them all. We all have parts of us we'd rather others not be privy to but they're what make us US! Working with those parts of me instead of trying to banish it made all the difference b/c I was BURNT TF OUT trying to keep the "monster" inside me at bay.
- I connect deeply with most souls I encounter. But THANKFULLY, I also learned that it's just as effective and okay to love somebody (in my case, bodies) from a distance!-- I am not responsible for the expiration dates attached to each connection I make. And no longer do I take the exit of that soul's life from my own personally.
- For my tribe of FRAMILY members I have made (and those yet to develop) required MUCH prayer & MANY a sacrifice. And I swear, I'd blindly go through it all again if it meant your love. You few but trues know who you are and I want to just acknowledge you for making my life the livable situation it is today. And the ones that have loved me and I loved back that have gone on before you. To you all, know that that love still very much exists with soOoo much gratitude attached for what you were meant to give to me in this life. I love you all!!!! Y'all shaped me. And with this lil "Quarantine 15", not a bad shape at all! HELLO! GOODBYE. LOL
- I am wealthy beyond measure... in experiences.-- So much so that formal education has yet to be needed for me to showcase my intellect. Also, my life is like a Netflix Original Series. There is no dull moments in TyLand. No rest for the wicked or weary.
- Going within and isolating myself for the last year, especially, was so very necessary. Maybe not the healthiest but it exposed me to every flaw, weakness, unhealed wound I'd ever possessed. Thus, the work began!
- I'm nowhere near where I want to be BUT so very THANKFUL and truly privileged to not be where I'd fallen all those years ago.
- I've ALWAYS wanted a family of my own. A husband and some kids. Always! It's just *sigh* the disease had backed me into a corner in such a way I felt it best to deny that desire to myself COMPLETELY! Getting my hopes up to be disappointed was a dish I was honestly sick of being served. It was just easier that way.-- Even came to grips that I'll likely be somebody's step mama.
- I was a subconsciously silent judger... until I was put into those EXACT situations that I didn't understand to only then OVER-stand them. Whew! If you only knew.
- I've said this before but it bears repeating. Outside of, Lyme, I am an EXTREMELY private person. My privacy is not your privilege. I'd say "sorry, not sorry." but I honestly wouldn't be sorry for that. LOL I owe not one earthly soul a bit of me. I share because I care.
LISTEN!!! I have jumped through HOOPS to obtain this level of peace. And I'm more grateful to God at 31 for all this 5D peace in this 3D Valley. Soon the exterior will prove the interior's authenticity but for now y'all just gon' have to take my word for it and know ya girl is crawling out from the ashes ON FIRE carrying BUCKETS of sweet, quenching RELIEF to share with all of you. Life hacks I've learned along the way; those that are surefire and those that aren't so hot. I think I'm finally ready to spill some tea and it is LIPTON!
Up until this 31st year I was everything but in love with who I am (aside from the brief time explained in a previous post here entitled "Brokenhearted Girl")! It took a horrid disease to damn near dismember me (Oh yeah I lost a good lil handful of teeth to this disease and my hair. The many scars I have on my body.) My heart being broken by so many ppl I don't even know what it looked like before the Almighty Pieced it back together. Also, Losing my entire identity. Fearing changes that were INEVITABLE. Opening up to new experiences and people. Losing my entire shit to the point of me sincerely being gobsmacked that in this whole saga I wasn't involuntarily committed somewhere. But you can truly not tell me a DAMN thing!!! Attack my character? Attack my integrity? I DON'T GIVE A HOT BUTTERED FUCK... anymore. God grew me up. Not in the most gentlest of ways but then again I seem to only know how to learn things the super hard way soOooo... that's on me too. *shrugs some more* But yeah. I've come to a genuine place of self love and fulfillment. I guess it's also because for the first time in my life I'm finally beginning to feel safe in my own vessel.-- I like tf outta me and I don't care much who doesn't. I'm gonna still be kind and spread my light to your face. At 31, it dims for no man, woman, or child ANYMORE! I'm comfortable not feeling the need to defend who I am. B/c in all honesty WHO TF ARE YOU THAT I SHOULD EVER HAVE TO?! As long as my intentions and impact were within legal and ethical bounds and I ain't hurt nobody, I will remain unabashedly unapologetic for my existence in this world. I never thought I would make it to 28. So, you best know for DAMN sure I'm walking in the sheer confidence that me and my light and my love and my experiences and knowledge from those experience BELONG HERE!!! And there ain't shit you can do to lower this vibe. Hell you can't touch it without being affected. I'm contagious like that. LOL
With all that being said, *grabs megaphone* TURN TF UP!!! 'Cause it's my birthday and I'm finally excited about life!
This was absolutely, amazingly, refreshing to read. I have waited years for you to come into your own self realization. God dont make no junk. The colorful language I could have done without but this is your journey and I'm so very proud of you. Love you to life gurl. Keep on writing you have that gift. It's definitely a gift.
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