Confessions of the Chronically Frustrated

Let's just begin. What the fuck?! What the ACTUAL FUCK?!??! <~~~ That has literally been the question on my mind for weeks now. *overstated, confused shrug* WTF?! My soul just seems like a punching bag at this point. My heart hurts, fatally! I feel like I can never begin to help you understand just what I go through/feel on a regular basis. I can say, please revert back to previous posts like, "My Burning Desire" and "The Frustration Mounts" ... but there are many frustrations that deal nothing with my illness... at least not completely.  My crippling fear of failure was here long before Lyme. I am afraid of fucking up, even in the slightest. I wear my pride on my sleeve, and if I try something and completely screw it up... Ohhhh , it'd be a loooonnnnnggg time before I tried that shit again!!!! That's why I'm afraid to commit... to anything!!! People, hobbies, hair lengths!!! I'm a mess and I've been a mess. I'm crazy.

For years, I thought the day I was diagnosed would instantly bring about tears. Tears of joy, relief, and confirmation that I was, indeed, NOT a psycho! This day came on Monday, April 8, 2013 , during a 3 hour evaluation, at an appointment I showed up late to, thanks to traffic (I called ahead though, of course. Mama ain't raise no ill mannered fool) . After going through my entire medical history, lifestyle, diet, past bullshit diagnoses *cough, cough* (fibromyalgia) , and a full on physical, with a fine-toothed comb, the conclusion was clear... I have Late Stage Lyme Disease . FINALLY , after 7 years of suffering, something serious , I now knew what I was up against. And as freeing as that moment felt, there were no tears . Not from me or my mum, who has accompanied me to every appointment.-- Going in, neither of us thought we'd come out with a clear cut answer. Like the many previous specialty doc visits, we expected to go through the routine of giving the informa

I don't even know where to begin. This past week has been soOoo petty to me, it's ridiculous. Not even exaggerating, it was literally thee most hellish 7 days of my life!!!! No bullshit. Truly, a nightmare come true. The hurt, pain, and anguish was unlike ANYTHING I had ever felt in my life... and I wasn't ready. I don't think I've ever felt so broken in my life before. I felt... hopeless. All this bullshit was happening right as I declared that I was getting my life back. I felt abandoned, by... well... everyone, ESPECIALLY God! I couldn't, and kinda still can't, understand how all these things could transpire when I was working my ass off to do so well. And for the first time in a LONG time, I felt like a victim. Like, everything and anything was attacking me. JUST me!! And for fucking what?!!!! I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did to deserve any of what's been happening to absolutely NO avail.  The most asked an

Hey kids! Let's just jump right on into this, shall we?? Now, if you follow my blog, you know good and gosh dern well I have many a problem. So much, in fact, that they get in the way of my own happiness. Last post, I told you how I'm starting to get brand new in my life and leave the past (things that I've done and have been done to me) right where the hell it needs to be... BEHIND ME! ... And they are... it's just my present that's causing me EXTREME anxiety at the moment. It's no secret, to you readers... my people :) , that I have an issue w/ letting people in. Into my life, into my thoughts, into my feelings, my space, etc. I am uber guarded, w/ good reason. And I also don't like bringing others into the insanity that is my life. It's a hot buttery mess , as you know. And I'm pretty sure, ain't nobody got time for dat!!!! With that being said... (Oh, dear God, I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I GOTTA blog it out) ...

Heyyy!!!!! I'm back and better than ever before... Seriously. As of late, I've been feeling a lot better. Thanks to my amazing support system, I'm on my way to brighter days. I got new health insurance, a new medical team, new meds, and a brand new love.... ME!!!!! The heavens have opened up and poured me out a serious blessing!!!!! And lemme tell you, I am BEYOND grateful. I always say that I've spent the past few years "strength training" and OH MYLANTA , did I need it!!?! In no way, shape, or form was I ready for what life had to throw at me. And BOY did it test my character & my faith!  The bullshittiest of the bullshit found a way to litter my path. Shit that didn't even pertain to me, made it's way to haunt me! Sheer NONSENSE was all I could account for in my life and something HAD to be done! ... SoOoo, naturally I panicked and isolated myself from all things EVERYTHING until I could get this malarkey under control. *sh