I don't even know where to begin. This past week has been soOoo petty to me, it's ridiculous. Not even exaggerating, it was literally thee most hellish 7 days of my life!!!! No bullshit. Truly, a nightmare come true. The hurt, pain, and anguish was unlike ANYTHING I had ever felt in my life... and I wasn't ready.
I don't think I've ever felt so broken in my life before. I felt... hopeless. All this bullshit was happening right as I declared that I was getting my life back. I felt abandoned, by... well... everyone, ESPECIALLY God! I couldn't, and kinda still can't, understand how all these things could transpire when I was working my ass off to do so well. And for the first time in a LONG time, I felt like a victim. Like, everything and anything was attacking me. JUST me!! And for fucking what?!!!! I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did to deserve any of what's been happening to absolutely NO avail.
The most asked and frustrating question right now is "Why me?!"
Seriously, wtf have I done that would ever warrant the fall of my spirit??? Why and how has this become my life?! Never would I ever in a million gazillion years think that things would look like this at damn near 24. And it's like, in every other blog entry, I'm singing the same gah damn, broken down, flat ass tune & I'm sick of it!!!! It's not fair at all.
Whatever is plaguing my body has LITERALLY ruined my life. Everything that I've done... Everything that I haven't done... and even the things I simply can't do, all revolve around my illness. Wholeheartedly, I feel it'd be soOo much easier... soooOo incredibly freeing, to give a name to the pain. A lot of the stress that comes with this "lifestyle" is from simply not knowing what I'm up against.
Last week sent a level of stress I didn't even know existed. All of a sudden, things became too heavy. I could feel the broken pieces of my soul, weighing down the bottom of my heart. Not only was I going through week three of my, usually, 6 week flare-up, but it appeared the gates of hell burst wide open and I hadn't a shield of faith to protect me. My support system had fallen and only 2 remained standing. Medical bills continued to pour in despite my complete inability to pay. I was forced to go back to a hospital, I vowed never to return to, HOPING that just this once, they would treat me instead of misjudging me. And in between the drama & confusion, I wept at the thought that this could just lead to the moment I decide to end it all!
The guilt, hurt, and shame of 7 years had finally boiled to the surface. I thought I'd gone through it before but not one of my "breakdowns" held a candle to what I was experiencing. The only prayer I could find in my heart to pray was, "Lord, have mercy!" And the only way I could verbalize my feelings was, "I just want it to be over." I felt my mind follow my peace out the door, as Fear, waltzed in and made his happy ass all too comfortable.
Although the nature of the situation was beyond my control, I blamed myself. Spending night after night wondering what I could have done to avoid these series of unfortunate events. I needed God now more than ever but I wasn't sure if He even remembered I was still here, in the same spot... entertaining the same bullshit... wiping away the same recycled tears.
Thankfully, I made it through and am still here to even blog about it. But the fear and anxiety of going through another day, let alone week of this hell, far exceeds my gratitude. I am petrified of finding what these last three weeks (of this flare up) have in store for me. This CAN'T be life... It can't be MY life!
Please pray for me... health & strength...
...I'm just trying to make it through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU3qgPn3bGA
I don't think I've ever felt so broken in my life before. I felt... hopeless. All this bullshit was happening right as I declared that I was getting my life back. I felt abandoned, by... well... everyone, ESPECIALLY God! I couldn't, and kinda still can't, understand how all these things could transpire when I was working my ass off to do so well. And for the first time in a LONG time, I felt like a victim. Like, everything and anything was attacking me. JUST me!! And for fucking what?!!!! I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did to deserve any of what's been happening to absolutely NO avail.
The most asked and frustrating question right now is "Why me?!"
Seriously, wtf have I done that would ever warrant the fall of my spirit??? Why and how has this become my life?! Never would I ever in a million gazillion years think that things would look like this at damn near 24. And it's like, in every other blog entry, I'm singing the same gah damn, broken down, flat ass tune & I'm sick of it!!!! It's not fair at all.
Whatever is plaguing my body has LITERALLY ruined my life. Everything that I've done... Everything that I haven't done... and even the things I simply can't do, all revolve around my illness. Wholeheartedly, I feel it'd be soOo much easier... soooOo incredibly freeing, to give a name to the pain. A lot of the stress that comes with this "lifestyle" is from simply not knowing what I'm up against.
Last week sent a level of stress I didn't even know existed. All of a sudden, things became too heavy. I could feel the broken pieces of my soul, weighing down the bottom of my heart. Not only was I going through week three of my, usually, 6 week flare-up, but it appeared the gates of hell burst wide open and I hadn't a shield of faith to protect me. My support system had fallen and only 2 remained standing. Medical bills continued to pour in despite my complete inability to pay. I was forced to go back to a hospital, I vowed never to return to, HOPING that just this once, they would treat me instead of misjudging me. And in between the drama & confusion, I wept at the thought that this could just lead to the moment I decide to end it all!
The guilt, hurt, and shame of 7 years had finally boiled to the surface. I thought I'd gone through it before but not one of my "breakdowns" held a candle to what I was experiencing. The only prayer I could find in my heart to pray was, "Lord, have mercy!" And the only way I could verbalize my feelings was, "I just want it to be over." I felt my mind follow my peace out the door, as Fear, waltzed in and made his happy ass all too comfortable.
Although the nature of the situation was beyond my control, I blamed myself. Spending night after night wondering what I could have done to avoid these series of unfortunate events. I needed God now more than ever but I wasn't sure if He even remembered I was still here, in the same spot... entertaining the same bullshit... wiping away the same recycled tears.
Thankfully, I made it through and am still here to even blog about it. But the fear and anxiety of going through another day, let alone week of this hell, far exceeds my gratitude. I am petrified of finding what these last three weeks (of this flare up) have in store for me. This CAN'T be life... It can't be MY life!
Please pray for me... health & strength...
...I'm just trying to make it through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU3qgPn3bGA
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