Let's just begin. What the fuck?! What the ACTUAL FUCK?!??!<~~~ That has literally been the question on my mind for weeks now. *overstated, confused shrug* WTF?!
My soul just seems like a punching bag at this point. My heart hurts, fatally! I feel like I can never begin to help you understand just what I go through/feel on a regular basis. I can say, please revert back to previous posts like, "My Burning Desire" and "The Frustration Mounts"... but there are many frustrations that deal nothing with my illness... at least not completely.
My crippling fear of failure was here long before Lyme. I am afraid of fucking up, even in the slightest. I wear my pride on my sleeve, and if I try something and completely screw it up... Ohhhh, it'd be a loooonnnnnggg time before I tried that shit again!!!! That's why I'm afraid to commit... to anything!!! People, hobbies, hair lengths!!! I'm a mess and I've been a mess.
I'm crazy. That is something that has been here all of my days!... I mean, through recent years, situations, and circumstances, exacerbation may have occurred... But, I'm saying, "nutty" is "nutty" and I've been that way for some time. I think of worst case scenarios (like, thee very worst... it's actually quite, mad, when you think about it) in EVERY scenario. A full on conversation will play out in my head (at least 5 takes) when I have some shit to say; but let that actual discussion go way off script... I'm baffled for at least 5-7 day... and ya ass may not hear from me for at least 10!
I'm a wounded lil bird... always have been. (lol BIG s/o to CarCar!) But seriously, the lot of my scars stem from my younger years. I was bullied so much that those words STILL shape my thinking today! It took me over 20 years to finally come to the realization that I wasn't ugly. For 20 YEARS, you couldn't CONVINCE me that I was anything more than Flavor Flav... w/o the damn clock! And it's 100% true!!! I had NO self esteem! It took me 2 decades to understand that boys didn't approach me because they thought I was ugly... they didn't approach me because I carried myself that way. Also, back then, I wore my heart on my sleeve... ***sidebar*** Quickest way to get it broken... But it was gonna take a million and one times for me to get hip to that jazz... any sadness I felt, it was gonna show. Whatever fear I felt, I kept it no secret. If you set out to hurt my feelings, my tears only served as ammunition. Unfortunately, I learned early on, just how many people are willing to simply shit on a kind heart. So, I learned to harden it... To everyone!
Now, here, you have just a few examples of just how to shits I was before this "Lyme Life"; where, in the 7 years of it's unidentified state, shit got really real. This "lifestyle" recreated my character in a way that was unrecognizable. I began doing things I'd NEVER do, with people I'd never do them with. I said things I'd never say...loved things I used to hate. I made a complete mockery of the ethics I held dear. I was gone. In the beginning, it was just a desperation for distraction. ANYTHING to get my mind off the unknown taking over. But, not too long after, my desperation for distraction turned into an unquenchable thirst for relief. It seemed like I was in more pain with every flare up and no one knew why or how to fix it. And it's only so many times I can be falsely accused of being a drug addict, when the mere act of asking for help, KNOWING WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, isn't already degrading enough, and NOT go postal!!!... Oh, and depression's ass ain't far behind... Uh unh, she's the icing on the cake!-- Waking up pissed every morning because I'm still alive. No longer participating in life. No longer dreaming or being. I often wondered, and still do, "Why do these people even love me?" I'm Nothing. Worthless. Damaged as Fuck.
Why would anyone entertain such a being?
And now, we're here! Past April 8t, and it's eyeopening revelation, and back to reality. -_- To a place where shit's even harder than it was before... no bullshit. Where I'm still being called a drug addict... to my face... *whispers* 'cause if I didn't mention it before, we're dealing w/ one of if not the most controversial diseases in the nation! I'm here, again, at a place, where it PAINS ME, to even consider smoking again SIMPLY to alleviate my unabashed pleas for death, because the pain has rendered me despondent. I have trouble verbalizing my thoughts now... Even remembering how to spell my own name... Or if I've even eaten or bathed!-- I'm afraid... of everything. I'm afraid to trust ANYONE. I'm afraid to be loved... I'm afraid I don't know how to love at all. I feel guilty, every second of every day. I know this isn't something I planned, but it is something that only I have! I hate to see the people who love me... who TRULY love me, struggle because of me! It's a feeling that tears me apart inside everyday. There's no on and off switch for this shit. And it really sucks 'cause I've been begging God for one, for quite some time.
I cannot help the way that I feel. There are times when I can mask it and pretend shit doesn't suck. But to not have this constantly weighing, somewhere, in the corner of my mind, heart, soul, is asinine! Placing all those burdens aside isn't easy... not with all those constant reminders. I'm pulling through these trenches thee best I know how. Because, keep in mind, much like you, in this game called "Life"... I never got a demonstration!!! No one knows my truth better than me. No one knows the strength it took to get to this point of this fight... not like me. What you know of my pain... What you know of my story, is only what I tell you!
At this point in the game, I feel like "I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off [life]!" So just fyi, while pointing out my shortcomings is indeed an "eyeopener"... PLEASE, whatever you do, acknowledge my resilience first!
SHIT.... I am still here!
Been on repeat for 2 weeks now! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOvZVIGb5P4
My soul just seems like a punching bag at this point. My heart hurts, fatally! I feel like I can never begin to help you understand just what I go through/feel on a regular basis. I can say, please revert back to previous posts like, "My Burning Desire" and "The Frustration Mounts"... but there are many frustrations that deal nothing with my illness... at least not completely.
My crippling fear of failure was here long before Lyme. I am afraid of fucking up, even in the slightest. I wear my pride on my sleeve, and if I try something and completely screw it up... Ohhhh, it'd be a loooonnnnnggg time before I tried that shit again!!!! That's why I'm afraid to commit... to anything!!! People, hobbies, hair lengths!!! I'm a mess and I've been a mess.
I'm crazy. That is something that has been here all of my days!... I mean, through recent years, situations, and circumstances, exacerbation may have occurred... But, I'm saying, "nutty" is "nutty" and I've been that way for some time. I think of worst case scenarios (like, thee very worst... it's actually quite, mad, when you think about it) in EVERY scenario. A full on conversation will play out in my head (at least 5 takes) when I have some shit to say; but let that actual discussion go way off script... I'm baffled for at least 5-7 day... and ya ass may not hear from me for at least 10!
I'm a wounded lil bird... always have been. (lol BIG s/o to CarCar!) But seriously, the lot of my scars stem from my younger years. I was bullied so much that those words STILL shape my thinking today! It took me over 20 years to finally come to the realization that I wasn't ugly. For 20 YEARS, you couldn't CONVINCE me that I was anything more than Flavor Flav... w/o the damn clock! And it's 100% true!!! I had NO self esteem! It took me 2 decades to understand that boys didn't approach me because they thought I was ugly... they didn't approach me because I carried myself that way. Also, back then, I wore my heart on my sleeve... ***sidebar*** Quickest way to get it broken... But it was gonna take a million and one times for me to get hip to that jazz... any sadness I felt, it was gonna show. Whatever fear I felt, I kept it no secret. If you set out to hurt my feelings, my tears only served as ammunition. Unfortunately, I learned early on, just how many people are willing to simply shit on a kind heart. So, I learned to harden it... To everyone!
Now, here, you have just a few examples of just how to shits I was before this "Lyme Life"; where, in the 7 years of it's unidentified state, shit got really real. This "lifestyle" recreated my character in a way that was unrecognizable. I began doing things I'd NEVER do, with people I'd never do them with. I said things I'd never say...loved things I used to hate. I made a complete mockery of the ethics I held dear. I was gone. In the beginning, it was just a desperation for distraction. ANYTHING to get my mind off the unknown taking over. But, not too long after, my desperation for distraction turned into an unquenchable thirst for relief. It seemed like I was in more pain with every flare up and no one knew why or how to fix it. And it's only so many times I can be falsely accused of being a drug addict, when the mere act of asking for help, KNOWING WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, isn't already degrading enough, and NOT go postal!!!... Oh, and depression's ass ain't far behind... Uh unh, she's the icing on the cake!-- Waking up pissed every morning because I'm still alive. No longer participating in life. No longer dreaming or being. I often wondered, and still do, "Why do these people even love me?" I'm Nothing. Worthless. Damaged as Fuck.
Why would anyone entertain such a being?
And now, we're here! Past April 8t, and it's eyeopening revelation, and back to reality. -_- To a place where shit's even harder than it was before... no bullshit. Where I'm still being called a drug addict... to my face... *whispers* 'cause if I didn't mention it before, we're dealing w/ one of if not the most controversial diseases in the nation! I'm here, again, at a place, where it PAINS ME, to even consider smoking again SIMPLY to alleviate my unabashed pleas for death, because the pain has rendered me despondent. I have trouble verbalizing my thoughts now... Even remembering how to spell my own name... Or if I've even eaten or bathed!-- I'm afraid... of everything. I'm afraid to trust ANYONE. I'm afraid to be loved... I'm afraid I don't know how to love at all. I feel guilty, every second of every day. I know this isn't something I planned, but it is something that only I have! I hate to see the people who love me... who TRULY love me, struggle because of me! It's a feeling that tears me apart inside everyday. There's no on and off switch for this shit. And it really sucks 'cause I've been begging God for one, for quite some time.
I cannot help the way that I feel. There are times when I can mask it and pretend shit doesn't suck. But to not have this constantly weighing, somewhere, in the corner of my mind, heart, soul, is asinine! Placing all those burdens aside isn't easy... not with all those constant reminders. I'm pulling through these trenches thee best I know how. Because, keep in mind, much like you, in this game called "Life"... I never got a demonstration!!! No one knows my truth better than me. No one knows the strength it took to get to this point of this fight... not like me. What you know of my pain... What you know of my story, is only what I tell you!
At this point in the game, I feel like "I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off [life]!" So just fyi, while pointing out my shortcomings is indeed an "eyeopener"... PLEASE, whatever you do, acknowledge my resilience first!
SHIT.... I am still here!
Been on repeat for 2 weeks now! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOvZVIGb5P4
Hello
ReplyDeleteHello my name is annette I recently came across your insta gram account and seen your bio link so I clicked and began to read away... Your story and journey has really touch me... I can't say I know how you feel or what you are going through but it is genuinely nice to know ... Your story might have inspired others.... As for me it has bought a lot of insight into my life, I know we are complete strangers, however i look forward to communicating with you in the near future.
ReplyDeleteWow!!! Thank you. It's comment like these that are the reason I forced myself out of my comfort zone and created this blog. You've made my day!!! I look forward to communicating more with you as well. God bless you!
Delete=) Ty!