I've reached my limit. I've NEVER cried so much in my life. Never felt so dismissed and misunderstood in all my years.
I believe that "compassion" is a required human trait. But it seems, not everyone would agree. I've been pained to my soul! Not only am I dealing w/ this illness, but I'm dealing w/ some very opinionated individuals. People that have too much to say about my situation. And I honestly don't mind it at all... IF it were coming from a place of understanding and empathy. I don't require nor desire pity... I'm not about that life. However, if you have something to say about what I'm going through, PLEASE take the time out to simply see things from my point of view!
I am PISSED!!! I have been dealing w/ this for my entire adult life. And at 23 years old, STILL not knowing what the FUCK I have, I've begun to face my own mortality. Getting out of bed is a STRUGGLE. Waking up in the morning and/or afternoon (depending on what time I actually am able to fall asleep... usually around 3 am, sometimes 4 or 5) is exhausting. Usually, the only time I am pain free is when I'm asleep... and that doesn't happen much. I'm constantly in a fog. My memory has gone to shit. I'm weak ALL the time. I'm depressed. I'm concerned... I'm fucking petrified!
I've set aside my dreams and happiness in an attempt to protect the ones I love. I don't want to add any other people to my life in order to protect them from all this bullshit. I don't wanna bring any unnecessary pain to anyone else. I'm fighting w/ everything that's within in me not to fall in like or love. I don't wanna ruin some poor guys life. I really don't!
I'm angry at God for giving me a gift that, at the moment, I feel I can't use. All I want in the world is to act!!!! That's my passion. That's my LOVE!!! It's my life. So, how dare this be the only thing I feel I can do, and do WELL and not have the energy or the memory to fucking do it?! I just wanna perform. It's my dream that I honestly don't see it becoming a reality.
I'm dependent on people I don't want to depend on. I'm a fiercely independent person and it feels like the worlds biggest bitch slap that I can't live as such. I have NO control over my life. And that shit SUCKS something serious.
And every time, EVERY TIME I try to take back my life and say, "Fuck this shit. I'm fitna live!" Life mollywhops my ass back to this very harsh reality. I feel like I'm losing and that sucks, especially when I know I'm a winner. Understand that right before all this happened, I'd finally come into my own. I was in a place of sheer contentment. And that all went straight to hell the moment my JAW starting paining me.... YES... my mother fucking JAW!!!!
So, please excuse me if you know what I USED to be capable of and require more from me... I TOO REQUIRE MORE OF ME!!!! But, dammit, it's hard!!!!! I am emotionally spent and it ain't gon' be too many more times I'm gonna get knocked on my ass and get up like, life didn't just do the A-Town Stomp all up and down my little bit of feelings. I'm DRAINED!!! Seriously, BROKEN.
And all I ask from those around me... My BURNING DESIRE, is that before you give me completely unsolicited advice, just take a moment to place your feet in my shoes. And what would be REALLY nice is if you could just give me credit for simply weathering this 6 year storm.
... The more you know.
I believe that "compassion" is a required human trait. But it seems, not everyone would agree. I've been pained to my soul! Not only am I dealing w/ this illness, but I'm dealing w/ some very opinionated individuals. People that have too much to say about my situation. And I honestly don't mind it at all... IF it were coming from a place of understanding and empathy. I don't require nor desire pity... I'm not about that life. However, if you have something to say about what I'm going through, PLEASE take the time out to simply see things from my point of view!
And, if, by chance, you're having a hard time imagining it, allow me to paint this muh fuckin' picture for you...
I am PISSED!!! I have been dealing w/ this for my entire adult life. And at 23 years old, STILL not knowing what the FUCK I have, I've begun to face my own mortality. Getting out of bed is a STRUGGLE. Waking up in the morning and/or afternoon (depending on what time I actually am able to fall asleep... usually around 3 am, sometimes 4 or 5) is exhausting. Usually, the only time I am pain free is when I'm asleep... and that doesn't happen much. I'm constantly in a fog. My memory has gone to shit. I'm weak ALL the time. I'm depressed. I'm concerned... I'm fucking petrified!
I've set aside my dreams and happiness in an attempt to protect the ones I love. I don't want to add any other people to my life in order to protect them from all this bullshit. I don't wanna bring any unnecessary pain to anyone else. I'm fighting w/ everything that's within in me not to fall in like or love. I don't wanna ruin some poor guys life. I really don't!
I'm angry at God for giving me a gift that, at the moment, I feel I can't use. All I want in the world is to act!!!! That's my passion. That's my LOVE!!! It's my life. So, how dare this be the only thing I feel I can do, and do WELL and not have the energy or the memory to fucking do it?! I just wanna perform. It's my dream that I honestly don't see it becoming a reality.
I'm dependent on people I don't want to depend on. I'm a fiercely independent person and it feels like the worlds biggest bitch slap that I can't live as such. I have NO control over my life. And that shit SUCKS something serious.
And every time, EVERY TIME I try to take back my life and say, "Fuck this shit. I'm fitna live!" Life mollywhops my ass back to this very harsh reality. I feel like I'm losing and that sucks, especially when I know I'm a winner. Understand that right before all this happened, I'd finally come into my own. I was in a place of sheer contentment. And that all went straight to hell the moment my JAW starting paining me.... YES... my mother fucking JAW!!!!
So, please excuse me if you know what I USED to be capable of and require more from me... I TOO REQUIRE MORE OF ME!!!! But, dammit, it's hard!!!!! I am emotionally spent and it ain't gon' be too many more times I'm gonna get knocked on my ass and get up like, life didn't just do the A-Town Stomp all up and down my little bit of feelings. I'm DRAINED!!! Seriously, BROKEN.
And all I ask from those around me... My BURNING DESIRE, is that before you give me completely unsolicited advice, just take a moment to place your feet in my shoes. And what would be REALLY nice is if you could just give me credit for simply weathering this 6 year storm.
... The more you know.
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