***WARNING: The following content is intended for mature audiences. It contains a whole lotta BULLSHIT no man, woman, or child should EVER have to endure. But is wayyy more common than we, as a people, acknowledge. Yet, and still: Reader's discretion is advised.***
Liiiike... I'm NOT exaggerating. So, let's just take a few DEEP, cleansing breaths before we dive into all this mess.-- Yep! Just like that. IN & OUT... IN & OUT... Once more... DEEP breath IN... & completely emptying your lungs, breathe it all OUT!-- Beautiful! Now, let us begin.
OoooOoh, I'm so nervous!!! lol Like, IMMEDIATELY, nausea. Good Lord. *face palm* Liiiike, guys 1) Barely ANY of what I'm about to divulge has much at all to do with my Lyme Journey... liiike, we'll run into it a here and there during this sip & see beyond the comforts of the veil-- well, more like a tapestry-- that separates my clinical transparency from my valued personal privacy... If that makes sense. *shrugs* (2) Which makes me sofa king nervous because there a lot of moving parts that most would just like to bury. But in my disclaimer, I did say, these experiences I've been "gifted" are NOT uncommon occurrences. Most, if not all, are seen as "taboo" when they shouldn't be. And if you know me, you know how I like to shed light on very culturally typical traumas that are IMMEDIATELY hushed or swept under the rug, labeled, "Stigma. Don't Touch!" (3) I get very self-conscious about my digressions. Or my run-on sentences. As well as, my MANY mispunctuated run-on sentences. (4) Not to mention, the numerous time I started writing this only to stop and delete it. A.) Due to the yips & B.) I just didn't like how dense of a post it was turning out to be. SoOoo, just about all topics will have their own detailed posts in the weeks to come.
OKAY!... *gathers self*... Ready!
Heyyy, my Cutiesss!!!-- Gotta start this off proper!-- My Few but Trues! And faithful ghost followers, alike! lol How y'all been?! I've missed you. But I promise this is the literal beginning of weekly posts & updates. I've been in hermit mode wayyy too long! And with being immunocompromised (weak immune system) in the climate we're in, I got all too complacent in my bubble. But, damn, if that shit was all butterflies and rainbows. Hell nah! To get a full grasp of how, I, along with most of us, BARELY made it to 2021.-- Shiiiid, let alone the fall of '20 & beyond, for me. So, let's see... *ponders real hard right quick* In order to do that, we'll have to time hop a bit.
For the full scope, we have to go back to November of 2019 to the trauma that started this whole mess. The day I got a harsh reminder to ALWAYS trust your gut!! It was the morning before Thanksgiving. *** AND MIND YOU I GAVE A DISCLAIMER AND THIS BOUT TO BE REALLY REAL!*** The 27th of November my feet rested in stirrups as the ER doctor lifts her head up, back to eye view, as she asks the attending nurse for more chuck pads (most would call them "puppy pads" for not quite housebroken pups.) And she says to me, verbatim, "Yeah, Sweetie, you're definitely having a miscarriage." And I wept. Because that was how I found out I was even pregnant at all. Well, I had a deep knowing, but was in denial. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew. But, due to Lyme Disease mimicking every damn thing... including pregnancy symptoms... I've had pregnancy "scares" in the past. But the way my, then, partner would react after about the 2nd time, he didn't wanna hear it. Understandably so, I reckon, so I just buried it. Even though the dreams, the morning sickness, the not feeling alone in a different kind of way. It's very hard to put into words how that experience was. It's such a beautiful tragedy. I took that loss very hard! Mainly, because, due to the disease, I didn't think I could get pregnant at all. That was the only silver-lining, I can conceive.
Sidebar: That 2018 "pregnancy prank" (with my REAL swollen belly) y'all, social media followers, of mine, got so up in arms about. Well, the method to that madness was designed to, a) raise awareness that once we, as women with Lyme & other chronic illnesses, get pregnant, we are automatically considered high-risk. Fertility & reproductive issues, such as miscarriages, endometriosis infertility. Or, every Lymie-Mother's nightmare: Unknowingly passing this horrid disease to the baby in utero! Still, there have been advancements in the knowledge of preventing the passage of it from mother to baby IF pregnancy is detected early. Yet, and still, no guarantee... at least not that I know of. OR breezing through pregnancy (b/c we allegedly feel better during gestation) only to give birth, which is a SERIOUS and sometimes fatal trauma in and of itself and now you can't care for your baby the way you need to.-- I'll repost that blog that got less than a 5th of the reaction I got about the hoax y'all (you know who you are!) so curiously wanted to get to the bottom of. It's called: "The Truth Behind the Bump" -- But, at that point, I was so over it. Over trying to raise awareness of a disease that could be festering inside you, as we speak, just waiting to get past your intuition and get to this level of struggle you've seen me endure. And I'll say this last thing and I'm done w/ this digression. Since experiencing my own loss. I, still, wouldn't give two shits about a April Fool's Pregnancy. Especially, since I've been invaded by insensitive, invasive, direct questions about children I don't have. Or how my pregnancy was going. Can you get pregnant? Are you allowed? When are you going to settle down & have a family? Don't you want kids? Have you thought about freezing your eggs now that you're getting up there? THAT is inconsiderate. THAT is heartbreaking to endure silently for YEARS. That shit hurts.-- And I only bring up this here rant because I can feel there will be at least 3 ppl reading this thinking, "Now you know how it feels. Not so funny now, huh?" Bitch! I been knew how it felt. I've had volunteer surrogates on deck since I was 21 years old. And it was never funny! After many a painful issue with my lady organs, I requested a diagnostic laparoscopy (abdominal surgery) to rule out endometriosis at that time, KNOWING, the risk of flare it would cause to the Lyme & Co-Infections. THAT is how "amusing" I've ALWAYS found it. *stank face* Not one bit.
December? A blur. I do remember dog-sitting sitting that Christmas and crying into some sugar cookies I was baking. LMAO it's not funny but it's hilarious 'cause it's true. *shrugs* Gotta laugh to keep from crying! Oh, and finding out my sis-in-law was expecting too. She was super sensitive and sweet about it. And though it stung, b/c I just wanted my baby back, I was elated for her! So, there still emerged a BEAUTIFUL lil one from all this hurt. And that's my lil homie!
By, January, I finally told the would been father. We were just good friends... I guess too good. lol I told him and that's when I knew we always felt more for each other... on an emotional level. Thus, began another SHITuationship, sown in vulnerability and reaped in codependency and toxicity. I LOVED him. But, Yo, ended up being every single lyric to Jazmine Sullivan's "Pick Up Your Feelings" But in hindsight, I'm not sure I was in love with him. Almost. That don't count though. My heart still, SOMEHOW, longed for another. A previous connection.-- No. Not him!-- One that has been in and out of my life since I was 18.-- By last Summer, both disappointed me... as my "FRIEND(S)!" (wasn't double dippin', for the record. And. If. I. Was.... I wouldn't have been the only one. *ques "And I oop" gif* LOL *also, gags a lil*
In, February, I entered a safehouse in hopes of just getting away from home. I was cutting myself again and popping pills like skittles. But nothing would numb or distract me from the pain. SoOoo much pain. And some I just kept inviting back in my life, time and again.-- This was the year I learned I tend to run or get caught up in the same cycle, just different faces... some belonging to the same person! There, I was dealing with a... resident advisor??-- we'll just refer to him as that. Every night someone stayed like a house mother or father. At dinner on his evenings was where he passive aggressively mocked my not being a real drug addict. As well as my lack knowledge when it came to street drug jargon.-- Aaannnd que uncomfortable, WTF?!, filled laugher.-- *rolls eyes* Dumbass.
We went to meeting and I heard stories I would have never believed or feel like I could have survived. A really really amazing program, with an ABUNDANCE of resources and help. I just didn't belong. And everyone there knew it. So, I wasn't there long. I wouldn't know where to buy a drug if I wanted to. And I didn't. Never crossed my mind. I was just hurting to the point of self destruction.
We all know what happened in March. Smh No one needs to relive that horrible month of uncertainty and weird ass energy. I did have a stress induced seizure after being seizure free for a year. Mild but still hurt like a SOB! Thank God, I've made it a year and a month without another! Tis a big deal.
April.... I found out my dear friend who'd been dealing with breast cancer and actually kicking it's ass had passed away literally the night before I RANDOMLY ran into her husband who told me on his way home. She'd pushed me away after the cancer returned with a vengeance. We were turning a corner, back into our sisterhood and then she went radio silent again. I thought she was just not ready to see me. (Nothing at all bad went down between us. Just life with Late Stage Lyme and Metastatic Late Stage Breast Cancer treatment days. We were both in treatment when we met.) But she wasn't ghosting me. She'd fallen even more ill and I had no idea until she was gone. Same thing happened to my dear friend the year before. Damn near the same way. AND still not fully over finding out I was really pregnant by losing it. HOLY TRIGGER!!! My grief, when it came to her, was all for her family. I wasn't at all happy she was gone (it still doesn't feel real a year later.) But to know she wasn't suffering anymore gave me a bit of peace. So, I wrote a lot more; Just dove into writing and Netflix binges. I was beginning the process of healing from my losses whilst still actively being taken advantage of by ppl who KNEW what I had on my plate. This year, I learned my energy was healing. Often, just a fix for most. Being in my presence, usually, made ppl feel better or comfortable. But not everyone is worthy of experiencing it. See, I started to see these cycled patterns as my own doing and my spirit couldn't take much more, comfortably. I'm not easily fooled. I'm an empathic energy reader for Pete sake! You cannot manipulate me without my permission. I allowed it. Therefore, I was much harder on myself than these seemingly dying connections.(I haven't burnt any bridges, yet.)
May, was coolio. Birthday month! lol I started getting back to normal. Reclaiming my time... and loving the hell outta me. But I'd soon be distracted and hurt again. The rest of the timeline, month by month is a blur.
Someone extremely close to me decided to TRY to tell me some unsolicited fuck shit. This person whom I would NEVER let a soul talk about in my presence negatively and allow them to feel remotely comfortable doing so. We'll call them person "A". So, Person A, told this other Person "B" something I said completely outta context, COMPLETELY omitting the entirety of the conversation and what THEY said. (Y'all I'm sparing so many ppl in this blog it's ridiculous. Mainly cuz I know most of them would not do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.) Person A then goes in and says Person B (that I don't even know. I met them 3 times in this life.) went in on me. And I asked wtf Person B could possibly say about me? And Person A looked like they didn't wanna say it. And I asked, "My teeth." The Reply? A nod and a twice repeated, "[They] took it wayyy too far." To which I replied, "Why the fuck would you tell me that." Because, it was one of those:
Nobody:
Not One Earthly Soul:
Not even a mouse:
Person A: "I told Person B what you said about them."
It truly felt like Person A was baiting me into asking for examples. Never, since this disease began ruining my dope ass smile, has, ANYONE (besides one family member, to my face. But he thought we were both laughing *rolls eyes*), not even a child, not one. Said a thing to me negatively or otherwise about my teeth. This is the only insecurity I have. Idgaf what this, pretty much, stranger said about me. Person B, doesn't know how trauma behind my current "smile." How it happened damn near all at once. Due to the disease (I recently found) coming from/setting up shop in my teeth thus causing the effects you see now. But I can get another smile. I can heal from having 3 back to back seizures after getting 2 teeth pulled as they were already broken and continuing to break like breadcrumbs in the dentists hands. They have no clue how ugly and broken I felt but at the same time THANKFUL AF b/c it could have very well been the loss of someone else I love, or even that of my own life! I'd never had a cavity or needed braces before this shit. All this happened in the span of 4 weeks. Every week I had to get at least one extraction because root canals would have probably sent me on a flare I'd never recover from. Dead ass. Especially, knowing the disease likes it there. My doc believes I began improving a lot quicker due to these Lyme infested teeth being removed. But knowing that Person A let Person B go on some type of disrespectful tangent, broke my heart. Because I JUST let Person A back into my circle. My self esteem plummeted. And for the record, I don't think I'm ugly at all. Because I'm not. But losing my smile was a different type of blow. I miss smiling. Hair can grow back... Teeth in your 30's... not so much.
Then shit really got blurry. I disassociated from myself completely because I'd completely buried the trauma of just having been raped. By some bitch ass excuse for a man that doesn't understand no means no in more than one language. (Just to be clear, this was NOT, anyone of the previously mentioned.) I ended up voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient medical facility that changed the course of my trajectory. Because, by this time, if I had it my way, the ONLIEST place I was headed was straight to the grave... (Or an urn. I think I'm more of a cremated girl.) And 2-3 weeks after peeking past the protective wall of my mind, I checked myself into the hospital.-- I wanted to die. I was begging for it. Hoping one day I'd accidentally overdose on some Rx cocktail and drift away from this world... from the pain. Or nut up and do it myself. Before, though, I couldn't figure out why I was so disgusted and disappointed with myself. Why did I let him do it? Why did I put myself in that position? Why am I that lonely that I would ignore every red flag he waved in my face?!-- There was NOTHING I did wrong. I didn't LET him do ANYTHING! I realized I'd repeatedly said No. I even covered myself. It didn't matter. I just wanted to disappear til it was over. Then outta nowhere snapped out of it and pushed him off of me. But I so desperately didn't wanna be the victim of another thing in this life. I wanted to get home safely and just cry myself to sleep. So, I acted as if nothing happened. I'd gotten a good enough read on him to genuinely believe that if I was as reactive as I had every right to be, he'd be the type to panic and do something irreversible. I just wanted to make it out safely. It was gut-wrenching. And when I was doing my psych eval intake, this social worker came in and asked all these questions. When it came to the question of sexual abuse, I'd just realized I was violated and couldn't say the R word to save my soul. But I can turn a phrase now, I paused and thought how can I word this, cuz he didn't beat me. Aside from violating me as not only a woman but a human being he didn't bring about visual harm to me. So, I said I was "sexually mishandled"... Social Worker: "You were raped!" Oh, the cringe of it all! I come out with all this now because Rape Culture has had many ppl getting away with damn near torching souls & getting away with it for CENTURIES!
You don't have to be brutalized in order to have been raped. You don't owe a soul any of you no matter what they may feel they've earned! You were violated! You had something precious and under your control stolen from you. Your dignity demolished. Your self respect and self worth? Abysmal! But #MeToo! And know that if you're like me, and the first person you tell, shames YOU! Run! Do not walk. Sprint the fuck away from that energy and never let them back in again. You can forgive, as I have. Not the rapist, yet. It hasn't even been a year. I'm not that nice. I now understand how women can be so sickened by this that they turn to same sex partnership and love. I get why people (because it happens to men and children too) don't go to authorities. Or hold it in until it manifest into a health concern. I'm one of them! I will NOT defend myself against the actions of someone who blatantly deprecated all OVER my womanhood only to be further questioned about my actions! Btw, I did get a full workup of testing done to make sure I didn't catch anything. And I'm clean, I'm CLEAN!!!! Of everything except weed. lmaoooo *shrugs* It's the cure-all! You better ask somebody!
I will say that in all the rain and pain and depression and PTSD and anxiety and covering my figure most of the time. I am in trauma counseling weekly. I meditate daily. I'm finally starting to feel like MYSELF again after 10 years... and who knew all I had to do was acknowledge those wounds that damn near killed me. I've come to learn so much about Ty 2.0 and she's grown so much! I don't sit around and wait for red flags to slap me windmill style anymore. I LOVE AND CHERISH ME!!! For the first time in a very long time, I've NEVER felt more beautiful! I've never felt so much inner and outer love and support.... not at the same time. It's nice!
I wish this was the summation of TyLand's Year in Review. The year you almost lost a real one. lol for really though, I can't believe I'd gotten so far and fought so hard to live that I was willing and ready to throw all that away just for some quiet. smh
Part II will conclude this emotionally draining BUT I know I went through it, phoenix style, for someone else who's gone through or relates to ANYTHING I've overcome & am currently overcoming. Life is beautiful... Just makes sure you keep you're viewing it through habitually cleaned lenses. POV, people. POV!
If you or someone you know is going through a hard time and considering making a permanent decision based off of a temporary situation (because I promise! EVERYTHING is temporary!) Please don't wait til it's too late. Talk to somebody! Anybody (***Who CARES***)!!! I promise the loneliness you feel is just that. A feeling. I'm here. I love you and I care, need, and want YOU to survive. You owe it to the miracle awaiting you in your next season. Like I said, I'm here!!!... Like, literally, click the link. --> (5) Ty vs Lyme: Road to Remission | Facebook (I'm still actively working on getting my Instagram account back. I miss my lil community... *pauses & thinks to self* I hope not too many of them think I'm dead.-- Also, my reach is about 6x's lower than when I was on IG so please if you care or dare... SHARE!!! You could literally be best friends with someone who's experienced one, most, or ALL of what I mentioned... and you wouldn't even know.
Ty!
About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline | RAINN or Call 800.656.HOPE (4673)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Comments
Post a Comment