Confessions of the Chronically Frustrated

I cried today. I didn't know how much I'd been holding in until I couldn't possibly hold it in any longer. (follow me closely on this one, for even I don't know where it's going.) I hadn't taken the time out to acknowledge that I actually have something to cry about. Today, I was watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun and in it, a young girl w/ a severe disability was explaining something to her mom. She said, "Death isn't the worst thing." And. I. Wept.  Somehow, those 5 words expressed EVERYTHING my heart had been feeling. Although a fictional character, she spoke of a real life truth... my truth! And a truth of so many other people around this world who are broken by situations that cannot be suppressed.  I'm tired! I woke up this afternoon, wishing , I could just sleep the day away. Because it seems the only time I can't feel pain or discomfort is when I'm asleep. When I woke up at 1:30 this afternoon, my first thought... my v...

The beginning of this year has led me to cash some serious reality checks!  For years now, my reality was clear : I am who I am!  I'm a creature of comfort.  I have not and will never like bananas.  I am not well. I believe that actions speak volumes! I am bullshit intolerant. I'm far from perfect! Not everyone's gonna like me & wasting my time trying to please them will NEVER be on my to do list. I am strong but can grow weary. I. Am. Human!!!! Knowing who I am has been important to me. But in keeping true to myself I allowed some situations and people into my life w/o first getting to know their truth in relation to me . (Follow me on this one. We're going in deep...) I stayed in situations that far exceeded their expiration date b/c I was in denial. I allowed myself to be treated less than anyone should ever deserve. I thought if I just stayed the course, they'd understand what an asset I was & get some act right... *sha...

There are times when you're hit w/ a hard reality... and those times, for me , come  often & close between. This past year, alone , has taken me to points I didn't even know existed!! And in those days, where things seemed impossible to handle, I PRAYED for death... I wished everyday, so badly , that I would just be taken from this hell I was being put through. Every day I was given, felt like a curse... as if God were laughing at my cries. It had taken a little over 4 years for my optimism , hope ... my faith, to shape-shift into pure cynicism . I grew tired  of hoping against ALL hope that things would turn around for me. I came to accept the fact that my fate may just lie in an early grave. And if that meant the end to my suffering, than... so be it! I stopped dreaming. I stopped living ... I was on auto-pilot headed towards a very ill fated destiny. I was alone in knowing that something had gone terribly awry w/ my body. No one believed me ... sai...

Deeper than the Pacific.  Carefree you frolic, within. Unaware of the intense pressure you dispense upon my soul. Plunging , and diving , stretching far beyond its seemingly non-existent limits. Where there is no boundary, you find... On a verge, that never was, you stand. Testing my patience... Conspicuously measuring my love. I see clearly how selfish you've become BUT like a fool ... your fool , I'm ignorant to it's consequences. I fell victim to your trap.  Charmed by the lullabies after lies, you'd soothe.  Knocked entirely from the realization that I've spent years avoiding ANYONE like you. You push... I pull. And vice versa until we're found in this full blown " tangling-tango " . A dance that leaves me dizzy, stumbling , desperate to grasp the knob of any door. A jig , I can't stand; but one you seem to have mastered. Because at the first sign of my desire to bow out, gracefully... you squeeze my hand tighter , pull me cl...

Within the past few months I've been doing some HEAVY thinking... like, to the point of literally giving myself a headache. There's been so much going on in my life lately... (I feel like a broken record, saying that, but w/ every passing day it seems like the hits just keep on comin') ... new people... new events... new problems... new discoveries. All these changes, ALL at once! I'm a Taurus ... I can't handle this shit!!!! And w/ all that's going on in my life lately, I've been really contemplating the future... MY future . Going back and forth and up and down and all around, STRUGGLING , w/ decisions I may never even have to make.-- I guess the majority of the stress I'm under comes from my own inner conflicts . I've found what I'm sure to be the disease I have, OR, shall I say, the disease I know's progressing, rapidly inside of me. So, of course, I've been proactive & downright OBSESSED w/ every little bit of it...

Wow ... time truly flies when you're a miserable, pathetic sack of woe .... Just kidding... kinda. It's def been a struggle lately,  BUT , I will say that for every storm that has clouded my view, there, emerged a  breathtaking  rainbow... sometimes, (RARELY) even two!!! SoOoooo... if you don't mind, allow me to update you... I LOVE words... can't get enough of 'em... they're AMAZING!!!! But lately, a lot of these words... for me... hold different connotations. For instance,  Stress:   The past 2 months of my life... and counting . --It seems that w/ every flare-up (when my condition and pain is most severe) that word, "stress," recreates itself. It's baffling, really. From family issues, to my own personal financial crisis... to ME getting in my own way... * rolls eyes *... as usual. I cannot catch a break!!  .......Still every morning I, unbelievably , manage to wake up w/ a new found optimism... like shit in my life...

I almost forgot how this felt. To be me again... to know my own worth. Why I am the way I am and why those around me are there. FINALLY, you're out of my system. FINALLY, I can stand you not being here. I never thought I'd reach this place again. The same place I stood, carefree, the days before learning of your existence. Like an addict I craved you! And when I took a hit that didn't agree with me, like that same addict, I'd swear I was through. BUT then all you had to do was smile in my direction and I'd come running back to you. There, yet again, in the same place I vowed never to return to. A vicious cycle that left me confused. And every time, like a FOOL, I allowed myself to receive yet another burn from you. Always in control, you were. Playing me like a pawn. A love-sick labradoodle begging for just one drop of your attention... ... THANKFULLY, that season, too, has passed! Like a term in detox, I've purged you from my insides. No longer does the...