Within the past few months I've been doing some HEAVY thinking... like, to the point of literally giving myself a headache. There's been so much going on in my life lately... (I feel like a broken record, saying that, but w/ every passing day it seems like the hits just keep on comin')... new people... new events... new problems... new discoveries. All these changes, ALL at once! I'm a Taurus... I can't handle this shit!!!!
And w/ all that's going on in my life lately, I've been really contemplating the future... MY future. Going back and forth and up and down and all around, STRUGGLING, w/ decisions I may never even have to make.-- I guess the majority of the stress I'm under comes from my own inner conflicts.
Since I was 5 years old (when my baby sister was born) I longed for the days when I'd become someone's mommy!!! Over everything, I wanted to have a family! I wanted to fall in love and get married and pop out as many babies as I could!!! Looking after my lil sis, induced in me a desire I (of course at 5 years old) never knew I had!!!... Fast forward 6 years later, & I was bitten... by the acting bug! It immediately trumped my "stay at home mommy" dream and awoke in me something so intense, I still, to this day, wake up EVERY morning thinking about. Performing became a passion of mine that not even I could contain. I was in love. And had it all worked out. I was gonna have my family and entertain... I was baking a cake that I def planned on eating too.
...BUT... (there's ALWAYS a huge but in these entries)
I'm conflicted. No doubt I still want those things. More than ANYTHING!!! I've spent countless nights dreaming about them. I just can't help but think... is it fair??
I have a mother... one that I love too much. And for the past 7 years or so has been battling her own set of very serious health issues which ::BREAKS MY HEART!!!!:: I'm 22 years old and, fortunately, the majority of my time w/ her hasn't been spent seeing her suffer... IF I were to have children, my disease would have been plaguing me YEARS before their conception! That's CRAZY!!!!
What I'm trying to get at here is, if these, currently, nonexistent kids have half the adoration for me as I do my own mum, they'd have to tend to such heartbreak their entire life! NOT FAIR!!! >>I love wayyy too hard to ever even consider allowing that to happen... not to my lil chocolate speckled nuggets<<
... & my husband...??... Ay dios mio!!!... FORGET ABOUT IT!!! I can't have my man (we're talking a REAL man here) watch his woman, who he's suppose to LOVE... PROTECT... PROVIDE FOR... live in debilitating pain everyday for the rest of her life & can do *shrugs* pretty much NOTHING about it! SooOoo NOT fair!!! >>Not for my chocolate dipped Adonis!!!<<
Acting in & of itself is NOT for the weak. It takes strength: mentally, physically & emotionally. The more I think about it the more discouraged I become. I can barely get out of bed most mornings. How could I possibly work on set hours upon end, devoting all my energy into bring someone else to life when my own hangs in the balance? That's way too much stress on this lil thing... and it's NOT FAIR... to myself!
So for a while now, I've been drained by constant thoughts of the sheer hypothetical. And as of right now, my decision is... I can't bring myself to start my own family. I can't live w/ the guilt of bringing anyone into this situation. I wouldn't wish any of this turmoil on my worse enemy, let alone the ppl I love. I wish I could be more optimisic about all of this but the more I think about it, the less it seems likely.... & as for acting... who knows. As of now, I'm gonna stick to writing. *heavyhearted sigh*... I guess it just be's that way sometimes )=
And w/ all that's going on in my life lately, I've been really contemplating the future... MY future. Going back and forth and up and down and all around, STRUGGLING, w/ decisions I may never even have to make.-- I guess the majority of the stress I'm under comes from my own inner conflicts.
I've found what I'm sure to be the disease I have, OR, shall I say, the disease I know's progressing, rapidly inside of me. So, of course, I've been proactive & downright OBSESSED w/ every little bit of it's makeup. I've researched all that I can possibly research on this disease, (that I will reveal once officially confirmed) whose prognosis: I've accepted... but it's treatment...??... Oh, HELLS NAW!!!!!! Not excited about taking my body through all that mess. Especially, when it's already been going through the ringer for half a decade now. For the past 5 years, my body's been ATTACKING itself!!!!... o_O WTF?!!??... And w/ this new found info, a lot of what I planned for myself, now, seems... well... unattainable.
Since I was 5 years old (when my baby sister was born) I longed for the days when I'd become someone's mommy!!! Over everything, I wanted to have a family! I wanted to fall in love and get married and pop out as many babies as I could!!! Looking after my lil sis, induced in me a desire I (of course at 5 years old) never knew I had!!!... Fast forward 6 years later, & I was bitten... by the acting bug! It immediately trumped my "stay at home mommy" dream and awoke in me something so intense, I still, to this day, wake up EVERY morning thinking about. Performing became a passion of mine that not even I could contain. I was in love. And had it all worked out. I was gonna have my family and entertain... I was baking a cake that I def planned on eating too.
...BUT... (there's ALWAYS a huge but in these entries)
I'm conflicted. No doubt I still want those things. More than ANYTHING!!! I've spent countless nights dreaming about them. I just can't help but think... is it fair??
I have a mother... one that I love too much. And for the past 7 years or so has been battling her own set of very serious health issues which ::BREAKS MY HEART!!!!:: I'm 22 years old and, fortunately, the majority of my time w/ her hasn't been spent seeing her suffer... IF I were to have children, my disease would have been plaguing me YEARS before their conception! That's CRAZY!!!!
What I'm trying to get at here is, if these, currently, nonexistent kids have half the adoration for me as I do my own mum, they'd have to tend to such heartbreak their entire life! NOT FAIR!!! >>I love wayyy too hard to ever even consider allowing that to happen... not to my lil chocolate speckled nuggets<<
... & my husband...??... Ay dios mio!!!... FORGET ABOUT IT!!! I can't have my man (we're talking a REAL man here) watch his woman, who he's suppose to LOVE... PROTECT... PROVIDE FOR... live in debilitating pain everyday for the rest of her life & can do *shrugs* pretty much NOTHING about it! SooOoo NOT fair!!! >>Not for my chocolate dipped Adonis!!!<<
Acting in & of itself is NOT for the weak. It takes strength: mentally, physically & emotionally. The more I think about it the more discouraged I become. I can barely get out of bed most mornings. How could I possibly work on set hours upon end, devoting all my energy into bring someone else to life when my own hangs in the balance? That's way too much stress on this lil thing... and it's NOT FAIR... to myself!
So for a while now, I've been drained by constant thoughts of the sheer hypothetical. And as of right now, my decision is... I can't bring myself to start my own family. I can't live w/ the guilt of bringing anyone into this situation. I wouldn't wish any of this turmoil on my worse enemy, let alone the ppl I love. I wish I could be more optimisic about all of this but the more I think about it, the less it seems likely.... & as for acting... who knows. As of now, I'm gonna stick to writing. *heavyhearted sigh*... I guess it just be's that way sometimes )=
You know how I feel about this....
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