How long is "Temporary"?

I cried today. I didn't know how much I'd been holding in until I couldn't possibly hold it in any longer. (follow me closely on this one, for even I don't know where it's going.) I hadn't taken the time out to acknowledge that I actually have something to cry about.

Today, I was watching a Grey's Anatomy rerun and in it, a young girl w/ a severe disability was explaining something to her mom. She said, "Death isn't the worst thing." And. I. Wept. Somehow, those 5 words expressed EVERYTHING my heart had been feeling. Although a fictional character, she spoke of a real life truth... my truth! And a truth of so many other people around this world who are broken by situations that cannot be suppressed. 

I'm tired!

I woke up this afternoon, wishing, I could just sleep the day away. Because it seems the only time I can't feel pain or discomfort is when I'm asleep. When I woke up at 1:30 this afternoon, my first thought... my very first thought of the day was that, I wish I hadn't. I didn't want to be awake b/c for me, being alert... being awake means, feeling. And those "feelings" are never good. Having slept for over 12 hours, the moment I opened my eyes, I was already exhausted.

Today was a day that I couldn't "fake the funk". Today was just one of those days that I had to dust off my pity-party-hat, put it on and do nothing else but cry... the only way I could see getting through this very painful day was to cry and ask... "Why?!"


Up until this thing took over my life, I played by all the rules. I was a straight-laced, happy girl w/ her whole life ahead of her. And now, I can't even open a bottle of water w/o help. Or comb my own hair w/o feeling drained.


I've only gotten worse since I left my job to "take it easy" lol I'm losing my faith. I was promised it wouldn't always be this way, but the only changes that have come have been negative. I'm so tired of lying to myself w/ thoughts of, "Tomorrow's a new day. Thing's will get better." I'm done defending myself against people who just don't understand. I feel that I have nothing left to give b/c all the plans I had for myself went up in flames. And it's not fair!


I want to be free!!!! I want my life back... I'm BEGGING for my life back! I can't do this for another 5 years. I don't have anymore fight left in me. I want to believe that this is only temporary; but exactly how long is temporary???


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fus0NB0W-Gg