There are times when you're hit w/ a hard reality... and those times, for me, come often & close between.
This past year, alone, has taken me to points I didn't even know existed!! And in those days, where things seemed impossible to handle, I PRAYED for death... I wished everyday, so badly, that I would just be taken from this hell I was being put through. Every day I was given, felt like a curse... as if God were laughing at my cries. It had taken a little over 4 years for my optimism, hope... my faith, to shape-shift into pure cynicism. I grew tired of hoping against ALL hope that things would turn around for me. I came to accept the fact that my fate may just lie in an early grave. And if that meant the end to my suffering, than... so be it!
I stopped dreaming. I stopped living... I was on auto-pilot headed towards a very ill fated destiny. I was alone in knowing that something had gone terribly awry w/ my body. No one believed me... said, "it was all in [my] head." So, I was pumped FULL of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills; HOPING that would stifle my complaints of pain and fatigue... Vomiting and severe weight loss... joint swelling and weakness... confusion and memory loss... and so many more symptoms that had NOTHING to do w/ the other... so I had to be seeking something: Attention, pain killers, a fix of some sort.
Aaannnddd... I grew tired.
I accepted the fact that my earthbound life vessel was under a severe attack & b/c no one wanted to believe me... b/c the limited testing they did said otherwise... I'd eventually succumb effects. And that scared the shit outta me!!!!!
I'd already spent YEARS wasting my life away, chasing after this "white whale" w/ NOTHING but futher destruction to show for it. All I'd planned, all I'd saved and prayed for was snatched from me... STOLEN by something no one else chose to see! I was emotionally, physically, mentally bankrupt and I was gonna be damned if I brought anything or anyone else into my life only for it to be taken away too!!
After every doctor's tests returned unto me void, I began operating through sheer fear! I was afraid. So, I gave up on my dreams. I gave up on myself. I couldn't pour out of myself, only to have it blow up in my face... I wasn't emotionally equipped for disappointment anymore! I'd gotten to the point where I would much rather dig my own grave than hear the words, "I'm sorry" again... My pride wouldn't let me.
Then I realized, I wasn't living in fear of dying... I welcomed it! Then it would prove that I was indeed ailed by something only my gut could explain.--But that's no way to live!
BUT
He's a liar and I'm a winner!... I read that somewhere... *shrugs* :) I'm no longer living to prove these doctor's wrong. I'm living to... well... live!!! My dreams WILL NOT take a backseat to a hide-and-go-seek disease! I'm on the fast track to fighting this thing... and winning (cuz... like I said... I'm a winner). I will NEVER settle for my cold, lifeless body on a slab, as the coroner reveals to everyone what I ALWAYS knew!!! I wanna be ALIVE... writing, acting, married (maybe), w/ at least 4 kids >fresh from MY womb<... when those naysayers begin to line up to Kiss. My. Ass!!!!!!
"I'm no longer afraid. See, I'm BETTER this way!!!!... Hello, Grace!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dQp2yx3RB8
This past year, alone, has taken me to points I didn't even know existed!! And in those days, where things seemed impossible to handle, I PRAYED for death... I wished everyday, so badly, that I would just be taken from this hell I was being put through. Every day I was given, felt like a curse... as if God were laughing at my cries. It had taken a little over 4 years for my optimism, hope... my faith, to shape-shift into pure cynicism. I grew tired of hoping against ALL hope that things would turn around for me. I came to accept the fact that my fate may just lie in an early grave. And if that meant the end to my suffering, than... so be it!
I stopped dreaming. I stopped living... I was on auto-pilot headed towards a very ill fated destiny. I was alone in knowing that something had gone terribly awry w/ my body. No one believed me... said, "it was all in [my] head." So, I was pumped FULL of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds, sleeping pills; HOPING that would stifle my complaints of pain and fatigue... Vomiting and severe weight loss... joint swelling and weakness... confusion and memory loss... and so many more symptoms that had NOTHING to do w/ the other... so I had to be seeking something: Attention, pain killers, a fix of some sort.
Aaannnddd... I grew tired.
I accepted the fact that my earthbound life vessel was under a severe attack & b/c no one wanted to believe me... b/c the limited testing they did said otherwise... I'd eventually succumb effects. And that scared the shit outta me!!!!!
I'd already spent YEARS wasting my life away, chasing after this "white whale" w/ NOTHING but futher destruction to show for it. All I'd planned, all I'd saved and prayed for was snatched from me... STOLEN by something no one else chose to see! I was emotionally, physically, mentally bankrupt and I was gonna be damned if I brought anything or anyone else into my life only for it to be taken away too!!
After every doctor's tests returned unto me void, I began operating through sheer fear! I was afraid. So, I gave up on my dreams. I gave up on myself. I couldn't pour out of myself, only to have it blow up in my face... I wasn't emotionally equipped for disappointment anymore! I'd gotten to the point where I would much rather dig my own grave than hear the words, "I'm sorry" again... My pride wouldn't let me.
Then I realized, I wasn't living in fear of dying... I welcomed it! Then it would prove that I was indeed ailed by something only my gut could explain.--But that's no way to live!
I allowed the enemy into my mind. And once he slips into just a crack of your psyche, it becomes his playground. Where he can plant all the seeds he wants. Whisper all the lies that only you can hear. Play you like a pawn... AND if you're not careful... win!
BUT
He's a liar and I'm a winner!... I read that somewhere... *shrugs* :) I'm no longer living to prove these doctor's wrong. I'm living to... well... live!!! My dreams WILL NOT take a backseat to a hide-and-go-seek disease! I'm on the fast track to fighting this thing... and winning (cuz... like I said... I'm a winner). I will NEVER settle for my cold, lifeless body on a slab, as the coroner reveals to everyone what I ALWAYS knew!!! I wanna be ALIVE... writing, acting, married (maybe), w/ at least 4 kids >fresh from MY womb<... when those naysayers begin to line up to Kiss. My. Ass!!!!!!
"I'm no longer afraid. See, I'm BETTER this way!!!!... Hello, Grace!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dQp2yx3RB8
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