I have many fears in life but my most intense and down right obvious fear of all is monogamy. Being in a committed relationship, w/ one man, for an extended period of time scares the living daylights outta me! Seriously!!! It's not at all that I'm chronically unfaithful or anything like that. Actually, quite the opposite. I'm very loyal... almost to my own detriment. It's just.... I guess... the underlying fear is me getting hurt.
We've previously discussed my downright refusal to ever be caught vulnerable &, to me, that's what being in a relationship is all about: Being able to be vulnerable w/ someone. And the idea of trusting someone not to take advantage of that vulnerability is taking some getting used to.
When it come to relationships I always revert back to past friendships. How I naively placed my trust and secrets w/ ppl only to be abandoned and judged. Ridiculed and betrayed. I used to see only the good in ppl and as a result, it made it easy for me to keep my guard down... the only problem w/ that is, in turn, it makes it easier for others to hurt you.
Sooo... being made a fool of more times than I care to admit in the past left me super guarded and afraid to ever enter into anything more than a completely platonic friendship. (Hence, me not dating until I was 18 and entering into my 1st "facebook official" relationship just 4 months ago.... which didn't last long.)
Control, plays a HUGE factor in this seemingly incurable phobia. Once I finally thought I could actually be called someone's girlfriend and like it, I got sick; leaving me w/ very little control over my life. This... whatever the hell I have... has dictated my every waking breath. All of a sudden I was unmercifully bound by the unknown... I had to take hold of something! And my single status was it! It felt amazing knowing I was single b/c I wanted to be, not because I had to be. Somehow, being unattached re-awarded me authorization over an important aspect of my life. I felt powerful again, knowing that I was completely in charge of my love life.
That's how it was in the beginning. And in some ways it still is. BUT that was nearly 5 years ago. I've put off having a man... my own man... for so long that I don't know how to be anything other than single. 95% of the ppl in my life (I hope that's an accurate percentage... I SUCK so hard at math!) don't get to witness the vulnerable side of me. The much softer side of me. The side that's 100% girl! The side of me that loves so hard it eventually begins to hurts so good. That side that makes me drop any & everything when the ppl I love need me. The side of me that's willing to give up my very last for a person that has my heart b/c I was thinking of them first.
I'm terrified of liking someone b/c I know that there's always gonna be a next step. I'm afraid to commit b/c I'm afraid of falling in love. I've kissed many a frog in my day and have yet to find a prince. I'm petrified of falling for someone who isn't for me. I'm afraid of giving of myself and wasting my time w/ Mr. Wrong only to turn around & have nothing left for Mr. Right. My heart is so guarded that it's impossible for me to look past it and find someone truly special... Cuz, let's face it, this poor schmo is gonna have to be pretty damn special to put up w/ all this crazy!... I don't want to let just anybody experience the "girlfriends side" of me. It's a deluxe package that can't be offered to just anyone. I know me! And I also know that me having a boyfriend would mean that lucky bastard would be spoiled in every way possible by me. I just don't want too give all of that and have the rug pulled out from under me. It's happened=(
The final potion to this monogamy-free madness is... well... I likes me my freedom!!! Almost too much. Again, this stems from my illness. Unlike most 22 yr old Americans, I can't do whatever I want, whenever I wanna do it & haven't for quite some time. I don't need no dude checking up on me every damn day. Even w/ casual dating I've had dudes all up on my jock and, lemme tell you, that shit gets old, fast!!! I also don't like to cuddle... I really don't. I think being a full-time girlfriend would only strengthen my hatred for this very useless physical intimacy. Aaaannnddd, that being said: Is it at all possible to just be a part-time companion? Seriously?! In a perfect romantic relationship, I would only have to see his ass (his figurative ass... don't be nasty) maybe once every two weeks... kinda like a paycheck. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't like talking on the phone either! NOTHING grinds my gears more than having a suitor call me w/ shit to say! I imagine that kinda time-wasting bullshit would only increase w/ a boyfriend & I am NOT the one!!! I will not hesitate to laugh {loudly} if I ever here someone w/ male genitalia, who is isn't related to me say, "I just wanted to hear your voice." I am NOT your mother and you are not at sleep away camp! Grow a pair!!! (Besides, it would totally be a bold face LIE b/c honestly NO ONE wants to hear this voice!!!)
The thought of being tied down to someone romantically is terrifying to my spirit! I have yet to move out of the place that has me constantly craving control and refusing to be caught vulnerable. I have yet to feel free enough to share a title w/ anyone. So, until then, I'll be doing what I've always done: Serial Dating and making a b-line for the door the moment there's just the slightest sign that one of us is catching feelings. *overstated shrug* I can't help it. Singles the only way I know how to be!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTTF4Y_ytlg
We've previously discussed my downright refusal to ever be caught vulnerable &, to me, that's what being in a relationship is all about: Being able to be vulnerable w/ someone. And the idea of trusting someone not to take advantage of that vulnerability is taking some getting used to.
When it come to relationships I always revert back to past friendships. How I naively placed my trust and secrets w/ ppl only to be abandoned and judged. Ridiculed and betrayed. I used to see only the good in ppl and as a result, it made it easy for me to keep my guard down... the only problem w/ that is, in turn, it makes it easier for others to hurt you.
Sooo... being made a fool of more times than I care to admit in the past left me super guarded and afraid to ever enter into anything more than a completely platonic friendship. (Hence, me not dating until I was 18 and entering into my 1st "facebook official" relationship just 4 months ago.... which didn't last long.)
Control, plays a HUGE factor in this seemingly incurable phobia. Once I finally thought I could actually be called someone's girlfriend and like it, I got sick; leaving me w/ very little control over my life. This... whatever the hell I have... has dictated my every waking breath. All of a sudden I was unmercifully bound by the unknown... I had to take hold of something! And my single status was it! It felt amazing knowing I was single b/c I wanted to be, not because I had to be. Somehow, being unattached re-awarded me authorization over an important aspect of my life. I felt powerful again, knowing that I was completely in charge of my love life.
That's how it was in the beginning. And in some ways it still is. BUT that was nearly 5 years ago. I've put off having a man... my own man... for so long that I don't know how to be anything other than single. 95% of the ppl in my life (I hope that's an accurate percentage... I SUCK so hard at math!) don't get to witness the vulnerable side of me. The much softer side of me. The side that's 100% girl! The side of me that loves so hard it eventually begins to hurts so good. That side that makes me drop any & everything when the ppl I love need me. The side of me that's willing to give up my very last for a person that has my heart b/c I was thinking of them first.
I'm terrified of liking someone b/c I know that there's always gonna be a next step. I'm afraid to commit b/c I'm afraid of falling in love. I've kissed many a frog in my day and have yet to find a prince. I'm petrified of falling for someone who isn't for me. I'm afraid of giving of myself and wasting my time w/ Mr. Wrong only to turn around & have nothing left for Mr. Right. My heart is so guarded that it's impossible for me to look past it and find someone truly special... Cuz, let's face it, this poor schmo is gonna have to be pretty damn special to put up w/ all this crazy!... I don't want to let just anybody experience the "girlfriends side" of me. It's a deluxe package that can't be offered to just anyone. I know me! And I also know that me having a boyfriend would mean that lucky bastard would be spoiled in every way possible by me. I just don't want too give all of that and have the rug pulled out from under me. It's happened=(
The final potion to this monogamy-free madness is... well... I likes me my freedom!!! Almost too much. Again, this stems from my illness. Unlike most 22 yr old Americans, I can't do whatever I want, whenever I wanna do it & haven't for quite some time. I don't need no dude checking up on me every damn day. Even w/ casual dating I've had dudes all up on my jock and, lemme tell you, that shit gets old, fast!!! I also don't like to cuddle... I really don't. I think being a full-time girlfriend would only strengthen my hatred for this very useless physical intimacy. Aaaannnddd, that being said: Is it at all possible to just be a part-time companion? Seriously?! In a perfect romantic relationship, I would only have to see his ass (his figurative ass... don't be nasty) maybe once every two weeks... kinda like a paycheck. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I don't like talking on the phone either! NOTHING grinds my gears more than having a suitor call me w/ shit to say! I imagine that kinda time-wasting bullshit would only increase w/ a boyfriend & I am NOT the one!!! I will not hesitate to laugh {loudly} if I ever here someone w/ male genitalia, who is isn't related to me say, "I just wanted to hear your voice." I am NOT your mother and you are not at sleep away camp! Grow a pair!!! (Besides, it would totally be a bold face LIE b/c honestly NO ONE wants to hear this voice!!!)
The thought of being tied down to someone romantically is terrifying to my spirit! I have yet to move out of the place that has me constantly craving control and refusing to be caught vulnerable. I have yet to feel free enough to share a title w/ anyone. So, until then, I'll be doing what I've always done: Serial Dating and making a b-line for the door the moment there's just the slightest sign that one of us is catching feelings. *overstated shrug* I can't help it. Singles the only way I know how to be!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTTF4Y_ytlg
You see that 2nd to last paragraph...you know the one saying you only wanna see your mannn 1 time every 2 weeks and you hate cuddling and all of that nonsense that will ALLLLL change as soon as my little cup of butter falls in loveee...mark my words! And I cant wait btw...I cant wait for you to be happily in love and making me some little freckled god children. :) I love you!
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