Brokenhearted Girl

Is it conceited to openly admit to being head over heels in love w/ myself? If so, Conceited's my middle name. Not really. It's actually, Tendaroni... but that's neither here nor there! The point is: I'm comfortable w/ the intense love I have for myself b/c it hasn't always been this way! And, you know, it's true what they say: You can't expect anyone else to love you when you don't even love yourself. 

...BUT...

This immense love I found for myself hasn't come w/o it's own share of heartache. It maybe hard to understand, me going thru heartbreak when I, myself, am the object of my own affection. But, trust me, it's even harder to explain!

Going thru all that I've been going thru, has left me worn. My soul, my body, my mind, is worn! Being in constant, unyielding, debilitating pain for 5 years now has definitely taken it's toll on my spirit. A spirit I allowed myself to get to know and eventually throw caution to the wind and fall deeply in love w/. For 5 years now, I've resided in a valley whose pits, I've recently discovered, fall so low, they neighbor the depths of hell! I began living a life w/ someone whose light slowly but surely began to dim. I didn't realize that by taking this vow of "For better or for worse", Worse's ass would actually show up... Feeding on my love's optimism until there was nothing left but Cynicism, Grief, and Pity. This, amazing being, that took nearly 20 years to capture my heart and my acceptance, was gone... vanished!

The physical pain I'd endured for half a decade managed to shape-shift into other forms. Depression, Anxiety, Anger, Resentment, Exhaustion, & Disbelief. I'd FINALLY come to complete contentment in who I was only to be bombarded by these impostors. Leaving little room for the Confidence I'd found after years of thinking I was worthless, ugly, stupid, and unloved. 

(I'm trying to paint a picture here, as vividly as I know how, of just how big a deal it was for me to get to the point of total and utter acceptance in who I was ONLY to have this mystery-diagnosis come and re-create in me everything I so was NOT!!!!)

I was so devastated in the revelation of my missing love, that I had to blame someone, and believe it or not, I was bold enough to name God as the culprit! My heart hurt so bad, that the only logical explanation for my endless love's vanishing act was COMPLETELY illogical. Through my pain, I found a way to blame He who is and always will be PERFECT in EVERY way for my downfall. I yelled at Him and began to despise the very thought of Him (Who was, coincidentally, my very First Love). Past my well of tears, I had the audacity to hold an address of sheer blame before the King. 

I don't get it! I don't understand why You're allowing this to happen to me. All I've done was love You! All I've done was try! And yet you still leave me w/ this... this "life"!!! How could You, Lord, when all I serve is You?! Why pick me up/Show me how beautiful a creation I truly am only to bring this mess into my life, knocking me back down?! Why spend years beating into my head that I am truly something special? Why would you bring to my attention something worth while; let me fall in love w/ it; cherish it; pride myself in it, JUST to let something so frustrating, corrupt it; disfigure it; run rushed all over it leaving it unrecognizable... and me... brokenhearted. WHY would you allow me to love someone You knew would eventually be overcome by constant grievances?! You showed me someone worth every ounce of my once low self esteem b/c in the end, she was truly admirable! And then... then... You let her leave me. I DEPENDED ON HER! Her spirit; her strength; her drive. I treasured her b/c You treasured her first!!! I never worried about tomorrow or the next day b/c I knew that no matter how potentially horrid, she'd make me laugh. She possessed this unyielding optimism that ALWAYS lead me to the brighter side, no matter how faint. I leaned to her understanding b/c she leaned solely to Yours! But now she's gone b/c you let her... You let her leave me w/ Cynicism, Grief, and Pity and I HATE them... I hate this!!!... And all this happened under Your all seeing, all knowing, omnipresent watch!

Ohhh, I was livid!!!! This girl... Tyree, that's her name... she was everything I wanted to be! She had dreams and hopes and talent and faith so potent... so pure, it was tangible. She grew into someone that literally made me swoon:) But now, she's missing and I just don't know how to deal! FOR THE RECORD: I've since made up w/ El Shaddai... I know it's not His fault. For it is well known, throughout His word, that in creating man, He granted him free will... and... maybe... it was her's to retreat for a spell or two, forcing me to love every part of me, no matter how weary, shattered or worn.


She's so wise!... I guess that's why I love her so! But tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it w/o her. I'm sure some of her wisdom & charm has rubbed off on this brokenhearted girl;)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4lRbb6X7MVw