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Laughing to keep from Crying

The common misconception about me is that I am w/o feeling... or I'm just plain mean.


I AM NEITHER!!!


In fact... underneath the thick callus that has become my exterior... I'm actually quite sensitive. I am in physical pain every second of the day! There is no time for crying and feeling sorry for myself 24/7. Right now, I feel like I've been placed in a CONSTANT state of vulnerability. If I am so much as touched the wrong way or hit something a lil too hard, I BRUISE... or puke... depends on the day. *shrugs* Therefore, my emotional state is OFF LIMITS! Being emotionally independent is literally ALL I have left. SO if you do, in fact, hurt my feelings or offend me, (neither of which is easy) I'm NOT gonna give you the satisfaction of knowing... DUH!!!!


Also, if you only knew the amount of BULLSHIT I have to entertain on any given day, you wouldn't question why I'm so blunt or why my sense of humor is just a lil "off" at times. IT'S NOT MY FAULT ppl say thee STUPIDEST shit at thee worse times! I be DAMNED if I'm gonna sit here nauseated & on death's door and pretend you didn't just waste my life w/ the dumbest statement on the planet... I'M NOT!... No longer have I the time OR the patience!!... Nope! Not me. AND If a kid just so happens to trip... & I see it... I'm gonna laugh... DON'T JUDGE!... shit's funny & kids are indeed resilient. And if he does so in front of me and I JUST SO HAPPEN to be the cause of said "trip"... that doesn't make me a horrible person!  Maybe... just MAYBE I'm overwhelmed w/ the stress of my own life & felt compelled to seize a laugh!... He be aight! LOL


My life is messy and ridiculous and stressful... aaannndd I have the ulcers to prove it! Everything is NOT as it seems... I CRY... A LOT. But to keep from doing so all the time, right now, this is the only way I know how to cope. I'm not mean and I do have feelings! ...I'm not as tough a broad as I put off. It's just, my current situation is SO INTENSE right now and to counteract this constantly agonizing lifestyle, I take LITTLE seriously, & I laugh... to keep from crying. 

Comments

  1. seretabJune 22, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    You're such a good writer, you never cease to amaze me Ty. I gotta admit, I literally laughed out loud when I read the part "if I just so happpen to be the cause of that trip" lol, u crack me up. As you said, you are a private person, but I can understand where you are coming from and why you do the things you do. If someone finds something that works for them to cope with this crazy life, more power to 'em. After reading this I'm pleased to say that I feel a bit reassured that after being blessed with you as my BEST friend for four years that I have you figured out fairly well ;) lol. Keep your head up girl! I love you! -Sharayray

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