Skip to main content

Laughing to keep from Crying

The common misconception about me is that I am w/o feeling... or I'm just plain mean.


I AM NEITHER!!!


In fact... underneath the thick callus that has become my exterior... I'm actually quite sensitive. I am in physical pain every second of the day! There is no time for crying and feeling sorry for myself 24/7. Right now, I feel like I've been placed in a CONSTANT state of vulnerability. If I am so much as touched the wrong way or hit something a lil too hard, I BRUISE... or puke... depends on the day. *shrugs* Therefore, my emotional state is OFF LIMITS! Being emotionally independent is literally ALL I have left. SO if you do, in fact, hurt my feelings or offend me, (neither of which is easy) I'm NOT gonna give you the satisfaction of knowing... DUH!!!!


Also, if you only knew the amount of BULLSHIT I have to entertain on any given day, you wouldn't question why I'm so blunt or why my sense of humor is just a lil "off" at times. IT'S NOT MY FAULT ppl say thee STUPIDEST shit at thee worse times! I be DAMNED if I'm gonna sit here nauseated & on death's door and pretend you didn't just waste my life w/ the dumbest statement on the planet... I'M NOT!... No longer have I the time OR the patience!!... Nope! Not me. AND If a kid just so happens to trip... & I see it... I'm gonna laugh... DON'T JUDGE!... shit's funny & kids are indeed resilient. And if he does so in front of me and I JUST SO HAPPEN to be the cause of said "trip"... that doesn't make me a horrible person!  Maybe... just MAYBE I'm overwhelmed w/ the stress of my own life & felt compelled to seize a laugh!... He be aight! LOL


My life is messy and ridiculous and stressful... aaannndd I have the ulcers to prove it! Everything is NOT as it seems... I CRY... A LOT. But to keep from doing so all the time, right now, this is the only way I know how to cope. I'm not mean and I do have feelings! ...I'm not as tough a broad as I put off. It's just, my current situation is SO INTENSE right now and to counteract this constantly agonizing lifestyle, I take LITTLE seriously, & I laugh... to keep from crying. 

Comments

  1. seretabJune 22, 2011 at 1:12 PM

    You're such a good writer, you never cease to amaze me Ty. I gotta admit, I literally laughed out loud when I read the part "if I just so happpen to be the cause of that trip" lol, u crack me up. As you said, you are a private person, but I can understand where you are coming from and why you do the things you do. If someone finds something that works for them to cope with this crazy life, more power to 'em. After reading this I'm pleased to say that I feel a bit reassured that after being blessed with you as my BEST friend for four years that I have you figured out fairly well ;) lol. Keep your head up girl! I love you! -Sharayray

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

What Now?!?!

Let's just begin. What the fuck?! What the ACTUAL FUCK?!??! <~~~ That has literally been the question on my mind for weeks now. *overstated, confused shrug* WTF?! My soul just seems like a punching bag at this point. My heart hurts, fatally! I feel like I can never begin to help you understand just what I go through/feel on a regular basis. I can say, please revert back to previous posts like, "My Burning Desire" and "The Frustration Mounts" ... but there are many frustrations that deal nothing with my illness... at least not completely.  My crippling fear of failure was here long before Lyme. I am afraid of fucking up, even in the slightest. I wear my pride on my sleeve, and if I try something and completely screw it up... Ohhhh , it'd be a loooonnnnnggg time before I tried that shit again!!!! That's why I'm afraid to commit... to anything!!! People, hobbies, hair lengths!!! I'm a mess and I've been a mess. I'm crazy....
3 comments
Read more

31... A Birthday Story

Heyyy!!! My good golly it's been a while since I passed through here. The Lyme induced dyslexia has been at bay for a while now so I figured I say hi. I've missed you guys!!! Since I last posted, MY GAWD , have things in my life changed?!-- Today I turn 31 years old and my mind simply cannot conceive it! I'm blessed. Who knew this day would come other than God?? 'Cause I for sure damn didn't. *shrugs* (I know we can use emojis now but the asterisk life just feels right today. lol) I dunno if you can sense it yet but I come to you all today drentched in so much joy! Sincerely. And it feels kinda scary to say outloud. B/c every other time I THOUGHT I was headed in the right direction in life, Life's, petty ass would snatch me RIGHT back with the quickness. It was a nevering ending cycle. To the point that I was left with so much egg on my face, I was afraid of speaking positively over my own life. Scared of getting my feelings hurt once again due to ...
2 comments
Read more

Chronically Single;)

I have many fears in life but my most intense and down right obvious fear of all is  monogamy . Being in a committed relationship, w/ one man, for an extended period of time scares the living daylights outta me! Seriously!!! It's not at all that I'm chronically unfaithful or anything like that. Actually, quite the opposite. I'm very loyal... almost to my own  detriment. It's just.... I guess... the underlying fear is me getting hurt.  We've previously discussed my downright refusal to ever be caught vulnerable &, to me, that's what being in a relationship is all about: Being able to be vulnerable w/ someone. And the idea of trusting someone not to take advantage of that vulnerability is taking some getting used to.  When it come to relationships I always revert back to past friendships. How I naively placed my trust and secrets w/ ppl only to be abandoned and judged. Ridiculed and betrayed. I used to see only the good in ppl and as a result, it mad...
2 comments
Read more