Since I've last posted we know all about my condition and what it entails.... Well... at least what I'll share. It's a painful, debilitating, unknown disease, and blah.. blah.. blah... sound about right??-- Coolio!-- WELL, as a result of said "condition" I have been thinking (a little TOO hard) and have further created more holes in my stomach. (remember: I have ulcers)...
THE POINT IS: I want a baby! Yesterday. I do! I really REALLY do! I've always been fascinated w/ pregnancy and childbirth and babies in general! I love the lil suckers. I always thought as a kid I'd be a mom in my early 20's but I'm 22 now and... kinda... well... man-less. And thus, fruitless:-( *taps imaginary watch* Oh, can't you see?! Times'a wastin'!!!!
Now you may be thinking, "Bish! What, pray tell, does ur disorder (or lack there of) have to w/ you being lonely and barren?!"<------ THAT IS IT! That right there!... What if I am indeed barren?! *gulp* What if my tilted uterus cannot produce a seed?! Then what? I become a cat person?... Cuz I'm telling you now, those things freak me the hell out!!!
We all know by now, my days left, here on earth, are getting just a bit questionable. I mean... the nearly or over (not quite sure *shrugs*) 20 ER visits this year alone, should raise a few eyebrows! What if I go w/o experiencing the thing I've wanted the moost in life? Becoming a Mommy!! I have watched a countless # of chicks pop out kids left and right and become totally in tune and unconditionally bonded w/ a creature whose every breath LITERALLY depended on theirs for MONTHS! How beautiful is that?! I want that! I've imagined it my whole life.... and for this... this THING to stand in the way of that... BULLOCKS!!! That is so friggin not EEEEVEN fair!
I talk to these Dr.'s week after week and none of the current 5 (I think... clearly I'm not good w/ numbers) can tell me what the "F-BOMB" is going on! Maybe if I knew what I had it be easier for me to kick this "commitaphobia" right where the sun don't shine, set me up a match.com account, find me a nice looking blerd (black nerd) who's been reduced to the same desperation, get married, pop out a kid... or 4, and enjoy the rest of my very possibly short life!!!.... AND he doesn't even have to be black... or a nerd! (They just seem stable-er) HAAA!!!! But seriously, even if I ever do let my guard down (we'll talk about this later) who in their right mind is gonna wanna settle down w/ all this baggage?! I'm already crazy, we can't add on the possibility of me dying on him b4 the silver anniversary too... that's just asking to be put on abilify!
"What about adoption?" You ask... And in turn I shall reply "What about kissing my ass?!" If I am indeed able to carry a child to term, or be qualified to adopt human life... I dunno if I would in good conscience be able to:-( I would NEVER wish on anyone the pain that I'm going thru... let alone having to watch someone you love go thru it!-- As painful as my life is, I cannot imagine how much more hurt goes thru the hearts of my besties and family (especially my own mum)... Why would I bring a life into my own knowing the pain he'd have to endure, simply by living w/ me everyday? That wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be mommy-like:-(
SoooOoo, now I just stroll thru the baby aisle of every store just hoping against all hope that one day, I'll get a diagnosis and promising prognosis and be able to grow a bunch of lil chocolate freckled nuggets in my belly! And.... if I'm lucky be AT LEAST half as amazing a mother as my own is to me!!!.... And for heaven's sake, make my CarCar a God-Mommy;-)
THE POINT IS: I want a baby! Yesterday. I do! I really REALLY do! I've always been fascinated w/ pregnancy and childbirth and babies in general! I love the lil suckers. I always thought as a kid I'd be a mom in my early 20's but I'm 22 now and... kinda... well... man-less. And thus, fruitless:-( *taps imaginary watch* Oh, can't you see?! Times'a wastin'!!!!
Now you may be thinking, "Bish! What, pray tell, does ur disorder (or lack there of) have to w/ you being lonely and barren?!"<------ THAT IS IT! That right there!... What if I am indeed barren?! *gulp* What if my tilted uterus cannot produce a seed?! Then what? I become a cat person?... Cuz I'm telling you now, those things freak me the hell out!!!
We all know by now, my days left, here on earth, are getting just a bit questionable. I mean... the nearly or over (not quite sure *shrugs*) 20 ER visits this year alone, should raise a few eyebrows! What if I go w/o experiencing the thing I've wanted the moost in life? Becoming a Mommy!! I have watched a countless # of chicks pop out kids left and right and become totally in tune and unconditionally bonded w/ a creature whose every breath LITERALLY depended on theirs for MONTHS! How beautiful is that?! I want that! I've imagined it my whole life.... and for this... this THING to stand in the way of that... BULLOCKS!!! That is so friggin not EEEEVEN fair!
I talk to these Dr.'s week after week and none of the current 5 (I think... clearly I'm not good w/ numbers) can tell me what the "F-BOMB" is going on! Maybe if I knew what I had it be easier for me to kick this "commitaphobia" right where the sun don't shine, set me up a match.com account, find me a nice looking blerd (black nerd) who's been reduced to the same desperation, get married, pop out a kid... or 4, and enjoy the rest of my very possibly short life!!!.... AND he doesn't even have to be black... or a nerd! (They just seem stable-er) HAAA!!!! But seriously, even if I ever do let my guard down (we'll talk about this later) who in their right mind is gonna wanna settle down w/ all this baggage?! I'm already crazy, we can't add on the possibility of me dying on him b4 the silver anniversary too... that's just asking to be put on abilify!
"What about adoption?" You ask... And in turn I shall reply "What about kissing my ass?!" If I am indeed able to carry a child to term, or be qualified to adopt human life... I dunno if I would in good conscience be able to:-( I would NEVER wish on anyone the pain that I'm going thru... let alone having to watch someone you love go thru it!-- As painful as my life is, I cannot imagine how much more hurt goes thru the hearts of my besties and family (especially my own mum)... Why would I bring a life into my own knowing the pain he'd have to endure, simply by living w/ me everyday? That wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be mommy-like:-(
SoooOoo, now I just stroll thru the baby aisle of every store just hoping against all hope that one day, I'll get a diagnosis and promising prognosis and be able to grow a bunch of lil chocolate freckled nuggets in my belly! And.... if I'm lucky be AT LEAST half as amazing a mother as my own is to me!!!.... And for heaven's sake, make my CarCar a God-Mommy;-)
Hahahha I love this!! I cant wait until you are a mommy and I am a god mommy!! And it WILL happen!!! Love you!
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