As you probably already know, it's been a little over 6 years of me dealing w/ this madness. And I cannot say enough just how incredibly tired I am of this situation. I still have NO diagnosis whatsoever! And at this point, I'm over the topic completely.
These days, if I'm not in the hospital, I'm at home. No where else... just home. Sadly, I barely make an attempt to go anywhere... anymore. It wasn't long ago that I would at least leave the house for a just a few hours to be with my friends. But, now, I just cannot bring myself to come out of hiding and mingle w/ the rest of society. My soul is spent! I'm constantly in a funk and I don't think it's fair to subject anyone to that. "Misery loves company." Is not at all a phrase I live by.
The holidays are here and this will be the first Christmas, since I was 14, that I am unemployed. And being jobless means no money. Without money, it's damn near impossible for me to give gifts to the ones I love. Leaving me, "holiday spiritless". Since I've come into adulthood, it's been easier for me to understand the true meaning of the holiday. Knowing that it's better to give than to receive. And for years, that's all I've really looked forward to... Seeing the look on my loved ones' faces when they FINALLY get to see what I got them. I don't get to have that experience this year & it sucks, HARD!!!
"Well, why don't you make them something or bake them some holiday treat?" You may ask. And to that, I will reply, "Bitch, money is STILL a huge requirement for attaining supplies!" Like, when I say, "I'm broke!" It is, in fact, the biggest understatement of all time! It is truly by the grace of God that I have a family who has supported me in every way that they could. Without them, I would truly be living in poverty. No joke.
I'm also at a place where I can no longer "fake the funk." I'm sick of pretending that I'm not miserable. I'm not in the mood to laugh anymore when all I really wanna do is cry. I believe that, outwardly, I'd been holding it together pretty damn well... so well, in fact, that some people don't even know that I'm sick at all... but after YEARS of dealing w/ the same shit everyday, I just can't anymore. This situation has chipped away at my spirit in a way that I cannot even BEGIN to explain. I don't feel like myself anymore... I can't stand who I've become. Like, there was literally a week where I would cry from the moment I woke up to the time I went back to sleep.
This very long chapter of my life has turned itself into an entire series!!!
And there are people around me that, I feel, understand how frustrating this type of thing can be, but don't truly get it... and probably never will. It's a tough concept to grasp, a person being in severe pain everyday for years. A person, literally, not being able to make it out of bed after being awake for HOURS, because their body simply won't let them. I get how that is hard to relate to, especially, when you've never had just 1 day of that.
But let me help you...
Imagine, if you will, roughly 2,190 days of physical torture. About 313 weeks of wishing that your body would just go numb. 52,594.9 HOURS of feeling like you're being stabbed in your arms, and legs... Your stomach and chest... Your back and neck... Your head and shoulders, only for it to be relieved by losing consciousness or uncontrolled vomiting. 72 months (that's equivalent to 8 consecutive full-term pregnancies) of not knowing what the hell is happening to your own body. But rather, paying professionals money, you DON'T have, to tell you that "it's all in your head" (which everyone knows is nice for, "you're fucking crazy"). Losing damn near every job you've ever had in those 6 years, not b/c of your "work ethic" but b/c some days, you simply can't make it in. Having people tell you to your face that they feel sorry for you. Being awoken out of a dead sleep due to pain... that is, if you were ever able to fall asleep at night in the first place. Seeking help from emergency room doctors only for them to accuse you of being a drug addict, working the system for a fix. Sitting in a hospital bed & getting stuck 10 times as some tech tries to place an I.V. Try eating something and 5 minutes later getting so sick to your stomach that you being to worship the porcelain seat in front of you. Or, being high as fuck on prescription meds & still being in agonizing pain. Going out w/ friends and having to sit through snide ass comments about how much "better" you must be feeling, when all you really wanted to do was live your life!
This is my truth... This has been my experience. I'm not all of a sudden in a crappy mood... I'm suddenly acknowledging that fact that I'm not okay! That I've moved beyond "frustrated" 4 years ago and I'm sick of playing pretend. I'm sick of this having power over me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't deserve any of this! And I kinda just wanna hide until it's over because I'm completely done hiding my emotional scares due to my physical pain. And if you can't deal with that, don't you dare expect me to deal with you.
These days, if I'm not in the hospital, I'm at home. No where else... just home. Sadly, I barely make an attempt to go anywhere... anymore. It wasn't long ago that I would at least leave the house for a just a few hours to be with my friends. But, now, I just cannot bring myself to come out of hiding and mingle w/ the rest of society. My soul is spent! I'm constantly in a funk and I don't think it's fair to subject anyone to that. "Misery loves company." Is not at all a phrase I live by.
The holidays are here and this will be the first Christmas, since I was 14, that I am unemployed. And being jobless means no money. Without money, it's damn near impossible for me to give gifts to the ones I love. Leaving me, "holiday spiritless". Since I've come into adulthood, it's been easier for me to understand the true meaning of the holiday. Knowing that it's better to give than to receive. And for years, that's all I've really looked forward to... Seeing the look on my loved ones' faces when they FINALLY get to see what I got them. I don't get to have that experience this year & it sucks, HARD!!!
"Well, why don't you make them something or bake them some holiday treat?" You may ask. And to that, I will reply, "Bitch, money is STILL a huge requirement for attaining supplies!" Like, when I say, "I'm broke!" It is, in fact, the biggest understatement of all time! It is truly by the grace of God that I have a family who has supported me in every way that they could. Without them, I would truly be living in poverty. No joke.
I'm also at a place where I can no longer "fake the funk." I'm sick of pretending that I'm not miserable. I'm not in the mood to laugh anymore when all I really wanna do is cry. I believe that, outwardly, I'd been holding it together pretty damn well... so well, in fact, that some people don't even know that I'm sick at all... but after YEARS of dealing w/ the same shit everyday, I just can't anymore. This situation has chipped away at my spirit in a way that I cannot even BEGIN to explain. I don't feel like myself anymore... I can't stand who I've become. Like, there was literally a week where I would cry from the moment I woke up to the time I went back to sleep.
This very long chapter of my life has turned itself into an entire series!!!
And there are people around me that, I feel, understand how frustrating this type of thing can be, but don't truly get it... and probably never will. It's a tough concept to grasp, a person being in severe pain everyday for years. A person, literally, not being able to make it out of bed after being awake for HOURS, because their body simply won't let them. I get how that is hard to relate to, especially, when you've never had just 1 day of that.
But let me help you...
Imagine, if you will, roughly 2,190 days of physical torture. About 313 weeks of wishing that your body would just go numb. 52,594.9 HOURS of feeling like you're being stabbed in your arms, and legs... Your stomach and chest... Your back and neck... Your head and shoulders, only for it to be relieved by losing consciousness or uncontrolled vomiting. 72 months (that's equivalent to 8 consecutive full-term pregnancies) of not knowing what the hell is happening to your own body. But rather, paying professionals money, you DON'T have, to tell you that "it's all in your head" (which everyone knows is nice for, "you're fucking crazy"). Losing damn near every job you've ever had in those 6 years, not b/c of your "work ethic" but b/c some days, you simply can't make it in. Having people tell you to your face that they feel sorry for you. Being awoken out of a dead sleep due to pain... that is, if you were ever able to fall asleep at night in the first place. Seeking help from emergency room doctors only for them to accuse you of being a drug addict, working the system for a fix. Sitting in a hospital bed & getting stuck 10 times as some tech tries to place an I.V. Try eating something and 5 minutes later getting so sick to your stomach that you being to worship the porcelain seat in front of you. Or, being high as fuck on prescription meds & still being in agonizing pain. Going out w/ friends and having to sit through snide ass comments about how much "better" you must be feeling, when all you really wanted to do was live your life!
This is my truth... This has been my experience. I'm not all of a sudden in a crappy mood... I'm suddenly acknowledging that fact that I'm not okay! That I've moved beyond "frustrated" 4 years ago and I'm sick of playing pretend. I'm sick of this having power over me. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't deserve any of this! And I kinda just wanna hide until it's over because I'm completely done hiding my emotional scares due to my physical pain. And if you can't deal with that, don't you dare expect me to deal with you.
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