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My Greatest Wish

Ughhh!!!! 

So, the month of September has NOT been my friend. I don't know what it was about these past few weeks but they were merciless!!! Truly. I'd go into detail and tell you how many trips I've made to the hospital but I kinda lost track. And usually, I'm not as befuddled by how often I'm under the weather, however, this shit took the cake!!!

Infection after infection. Injury after injury. IV after IV. Doctor after doctor. Drug after mother-fucking drug!-- My lil ass is SPENT!!!! 

I've grown a bit bitter in the last 25 days. And have formed a hatred for Dr.'s that I never thought possible. Like, I seriously hate them!!!!-- I know they're just trying to help, but at this point, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! They're seriously gonna drive me to drink! And because of my "condition" I don't see just one doctor... I see a bunch. From all sorts of departments and specialties... ALL w/ different theories and treatments. Good Golly!!! Just the thought of the sanitary-smellin' bastards, pisses me off.

*** Special Shout Out to the docs still on the case... You're doing great!!!***

LOL

Seriously though, I feel this journey is no longer changing me for the better.-- I'm evil!!!-- I feel so sorry for my family and friends. They've been so supportive and BEYOND amazing... It's just, I'm so OVER myself in EVERY way, I take my frustrations and woes out on them. And I'm aware of my attitude and sheer lack of positivity, I just can't help it! I've turned hostile, being captive to my own debilitating body for 6 years!!! Honestly, who wouldn't go mad?!!

My desperation is palpable. I have NO money. Too much debt. Can't work or take up a hobby. No man (which, I'm not necessarily crushed about BUT I do like to feel wanted. *shrugs* Judge me). No hope! Just a bunch of pain and a lot of bumps and bruises (I fall... a lot).

I don't feel like ME anymore!!!! The constant discontent is overwhelming. And I often find myself questioning why people even love me... or wanna be around me, no less. <--That's a a terrible thought to have. But my mind takes me there. I feel so helpless and worthless. Why would anyone want me around when I literally have NOTHING to offer?? I'm pushing people away, thinking they're better off without this chocolate-speckled lump of liability.

My life has turned into a Royal Mess!!!! My Great Depression, that seemingly has NO END.

All's I wanted for YEARS was answers to my condition. A diagnosis.-- Now, I cry, uncontrollably, begging and wishing and HOPING this will all just go away!!! I don't wanna be sick anymore. I don't wanna wake up every day wishing I hadn't. I don't wanna be a hazard to myself. I wanna be free. I wanna be me.-- My Greatest Wish is to have MY life back!!!!  

"All this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe. I just wanna leave! God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me. [Life] has burned me raw. I NEED Your healing... Please!" -Jill Scott


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