I'm tired.
Every part of me is over EVERYTHING!!! If it ain't one thing, than it's another and yet another and, just maybe, one more, all after that. I am spent!!! Idk how many times I can reach my breaking point and still smile. Hurt after hurt. After pain after pain. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after YEAR.
Can you imagine?!? Suffering for 6 years!!! Each year, BEGGING that the next not be like the first. And it never is... b/c with each month that soon turns into another year, it get's worse. When would you give up?? On what day would you scream "Enough is ENOUGH!"? Honestly, how long until you truly could not stand another second in misery?
My life has not been my own since the moment this all began. It was arson, the way this disease rapidly set fire to every plan, goal, and dream I'd ever set. I watched them go up in flames and turn to dust. My heart broke! Not only was I given something I didn't want, but I had to live w/ it for the rest of my life, with absolutely no hope of losing it. And on days, like today, where the symptoms of my curse are IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, I cannot fathom living another. My soul has been poached. Shattered, run over, chewed up and spit out. DAMAGED beyond repair!
Do you know how hard it is to act as if everything is okay when you can't even trust your body to make it through the day?! I've been betrayed, by my own vessel. Slowly losing control over functions I began developing at birth... <--- THAT'S that bullshit!!! There is literally a civil war going on inside of me, with which, either side has YET to call a "cease fire." While, outside, I'm forced to put on a brave face and believe that God has better days in store.
How can I be expected to treat my body as a Temple when it habitually treats me like a trespasser?
And in the moments I manage to convince myself, "I can only go up from here", I sink deeper into this hell. Coming to the realization that my good days are equivalent to your bad.
I used to pray every night that God would use me for his perfect will... ***Be Careful What You Pray For*** It's not by my own power or strength that I'm still here, but the God in me! Whenever you see me, understand that that's Grace, walking. The next time you converse w/ me, understand you're being ministered to by a Miracle. I pleaded with the God of the universe to shine his light through me... Can you see it?... This storm will soon give birth to my testimony!... Can you feel it?... Like, Job, my servitude has been challenged (Job 1:8-12). But neither I nor the enemy considered how perfect God's strength would prove in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). And much like the woman with the blood issue; even though I'm exhausted, broke, and ashamed, I still have faith. Not in myself but in Him. And Faith will propel me to my healing (Mark 5:25-34).
I'm beyond tired... Spent in every way!
But now that you know my story, look closely at the sands of the last six years of my life... And tell me... How many sets of footprints do you see??... Don't worry, I'll wait... ;)
http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html
Every part of me is over EVERYTHING!!! If it ain't one thing, than it's another and yet another and, just maybe, one more, all after that. I am spent!!! Idk how many times I can reach my breaking point and still smile. Hurt after hurt. After pain after pain. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after YEAR.
Can you imagine?!? Suffering for 6 years!!! Each year, BEGGING that the next not be like the first. And it never is... b/c with each month that soon turns into another year, it get's worse. When would you give up?? On what day would you scream "Enough is ENOUGH!"? Honestly, how long until you truly could not stand another second in misery?
My life has not been my own since the moment this all began. It was arson, the way this disease rapidly set fire to every plan, goal, and dream I'd ever set. I watched them go up in flames and turn to dust. My heart broke! Not only was I given something I didn't want, but I had to live w/ it for the rest of my life, with absolutely no hope of losing it. And on days, like today, where the symptoms of my curse are IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, I cannot fathom living another. My soul has been poached. Shattered, run over, chewed up and spit out. DAMAGED beyond repair!
Do you know how hard it is to act as if everything is okay when you can't even trust your body to make it through the day?! I've been betrayed, by my own vessel. Slowly losing control over functions I began developing at birth... <--- THAT'S that bullshit!!! There is literally a civil war going on inside of me, with which, either side has YET to call a "cease fire." While, outside, I'm forced to put on a brave face and believe that God has better days in store.
How can I be expected to treat my body as a Temple when it habitually treats me like a trespasser?
This thing has plagued me w/ a series of unfortunate events. Taken me to places, I'd vowed, NEVER to go. Mocked my hopes. Submerged me in sorrow. Made a playground of my spirit and littered my soul. It took the strength out of me. Poured salt onto the open wound of my pride. Snagged my peace. Confiscated my happiness. Changed my name to Desperation and made Relief my ONLY goal. Broke me into pieces and buried me six feet under the earth's lowest valley.
And in the moments I manage to convince myself, "I can only go up from here", I sink deeper into this hell. Coming to the realization that my good days are equivalent to your bad.
I used to pray every night that God would use me for his perfect will... ***Be Careful What You Pray For*** It's not by my own power or strength that I'm still here, but the God in me! Whenever you see me, understand that that's Grace, walking. The next time you converse w/ me, understand you're being ministered to by a Miracle. I pleaded with the God of the universe to shine his light through me... Can you see it?... This storm will soon give birth to my testimony!... Can you feel it?... Like, Job, my servitude has been challenged (Job 1:8-12). But neither I nor the enemy considered how perfect God's strength would prove in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). And much like the woman with the blood issue; even though I'm exhausted, broke, and ashamed, I still have faith. Not in myself but in Him. And Faith will propel me to my healing (Mark 5:25-34).
I'm beyond tired... Spent in every way!
But now that you know my story, look closely at the sands of the last six years of my life... And tell me... How many sets of footprints do you see??... Don't worry, I'll wait... ;)
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