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Understand, I have NO Control

It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and update you on my life. Now, I've had some incredible experiences lately that have, unfortunately, been overcome by endless amounts of frustration. I've never been so over a situation in all my life! And it sucks b/c it is my life!!!


As a christian, I understand that suffering is a gift... but damn if I ain't spent 6 years searching for the receipt!!! As I've said before, this disease has dictated my every breath. My life is consumed by something I literally have no control over. Now, I understand that nothing grows without a lil rain, but I've never heard of roses blooming  through a flood, either!


I'm tired.


Although, completely out of my control, I continuously feel like a failure. And I hate to admit it, but I've pretty much given up on myself. I'm just waiting for this thing to win. For every step forward, I swear, I'm knocked 5 steps back. And I don't think I've ever truly confessed just how much this "lifestyle" KILLS ME!!!


I have no life. My mind is constantly clogged w/ thoughts of: 

  • how I'm gonna get through the day... 
  • Or, how bad is the pain going to be today??... 
  • Whether or not it's going to rain, cuz if it does, I'm FUCKED... 
  • AND how difficult it is to make new friends or meet new ppl b/c I'm so focused on hiding what's going on, that I inadvertently stifle the real me!!!



It hurts!!! And I wish only physically. I'm guarded and scared. I'm afraid to even try new things b/c in the past, my condition would get in the way and squash EVERY goal I'd ever made. My body continues to betray me and it sucks because my biggest wish & hope for this life, is to be FREE. 


Idk... I think that I'm putting out this particular post b/c I want ppl to know (especially the ppl that DON'T know) that I'm not a flake or a bore. Nor, do I see all the "good" and "interesting" things in me that others do. I want it to be known that nobody in this world understands better than me that "shit happens". And finally, all I want from ANYBODY who enters my life is loyalty and encouragement.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry_ILomQk6Q

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