Confessions of the Chronically Frustrated

Is it conceited to openly admit to being head over heels in love w/ myself? If so, Conceited's my middle name. Not really. It's actually, Tendaroni ... but that's neither here nor there! The point is: I'm comfortable w/ the intense love I have for myself b/c it hasn't always been this way! And, you know, it's true what they say:  You can't expect anyone else to love you when you don't even love yourself.  ...BUT... This immense love I found for myself hasn't come w/o it's own share of heartache. It maybe hard to understand, me going thru heartbreak when I, myself, am the object of my own affection. But, trust me, it's even harder to explain! Going thru all that I've been going thru, has left me worn . My soul, my body, my mind, is worn! Being in constant, unyielding, debilitating pain for 5 years now has definitely taken it's toll on my spirit. A spirit I allowed myself to get to know and eventually throw caution to the wind ...

I have many fears in life but my most intense and down right obvious fear of all is  monogamy . Being in a committed relationship, w/ one man, for an extended period of time scares the living daylights outta me! Seriously!!! It's not at all that I'm chronically unfaithful or anything like that. Actually, quite the opposite. I'm very loyal... almost to my own  detriment. It's just.... I guess... the underlying fear is me getting hurt.  We've previously discussed my downright refusal to ever be caught vulnerable &, to me, that's what being in a relationship is all about: Being able to be vulnerable w/ someone. And the idea of trusting someone not to take advantage of that vulnerability is taking some getting used to.  When it come to relationships I always revert back to past friendships. How I naively placed my trust and secrets w/ ppl only to be abandoned and judged. Ridiculed and betrayed. I used to see only the good in ppl and as a result, it mad...