Hey kids! Let's just jump right on into this, shall we??
Now, if you follow my blog, you know good and gosh dern well I have many a problem. So much, in fact, that they get in the way of my own happiness. Last post, I told you how I'm starting to get brand new in my life and leave the past (things that I've done and have been done to me) right where the hell it needs to be... BEHIND ME!... And they are... it's just my present that's causing me EXTREME anxiety at the moment.
It's no secret, to you readers... my people :), that I have an issue w/ letting people in. Into my life, into my thoughts, into my feelings, my space, etc. I am uber guarded, w/ good reason. And I also don't like bringing others into the insanity that is my life. It's a hot buttery mess, as you know. And I'm pretty sure, ain't nobody got time for dat!!!!
With that being said... (Oh, dear God, I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I GOTTA blog it out)... a new person has slipped through the cracks and has found their way to my heart. -_- And I am not amused lol I made sure to keep this thing (my heart) on LOCK for the rest of forever and the only ones that could have any type of access to it, were the ones already in it (you know, my family & friends, what have you). I understand that any other person who has found love would be over the moon w/ glee... and don't get me wrong, I am. Every time I see his face!... It's just... I'm the author of such posts as "Chronically Single" parts I and II, "Decisions, Decisions", "How long is Temporary?" (read them at your leisure)
Already, through absolutely no fault of his own, my illness concerns him. And I t-totally understand that, this shit would creep ME out if it wasn't happening to me. It's just, he hasn't even SEEN it at it's worse! And it scares me that he might. It is truly heartbreaking to see the look of concern and helplessness on the face of someone you care about... who clearly cares about you!
Also, I've been SUPER BURNED so many gah damn times by people I love, it's not even the fuck funny. And I'm not just talking about guys that I've talked to or dated... NO... people that I fucking trusted. Family members and "friends" and people I didn't even fuck with! I've been back stabbed TOO MANY times to count and the wounds are still fresh as fuck. I've forgiven but damn if I'll EVER forget. And the anticipation of POSSIBLY going through that type of hurt again, FROM ANYONE, sucks too hard!
I'm a Taurus and change freaks me thee fuck out!!!!! And the amount of change occurring right now is a tad overwhelming (I couldn't possibly fill you in on all that's happening in my life). However, with this particular individual... this particular change, for the first time, I feel it's worth the risk. I don't see him ever misusing my trust or hurting me as much as I have been in the past. I just wish w/ everything that's within me that I wasn't chronically ill and not feel the need to fiercely protect him from it. *shrugs* I'm sure I'll let go...eventually ;)
Now, if you follow my blog, you know good and gosh dern well I have many a problem. So much, in fact, that they get in the way of my own happiness. Last post, I told you how I'm starting to get brand new in my life and leave the past (things that I've done and have been done to me) right where the hell it needs to be... BEHIND ME!... And they are... it's just my present that's causing me EXTREME anxiety at the moment.
It's no secret, to you readers... my people :), that I have an issue w/ letting people in. Into my life, into my thoughts, into my feelings, my space, etc. I am uber guarded, w/ good reason. And I also don't like bringing others into the insanity that is my life. It's a hot buttery mess, as you know. And I'm pretty sure, ain't nobody got time for dat!!!!
With that being said... (Oh, dear God, I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I GOTTA blog it out)... a new person has slipped through the cracks and has found their way to my heart. -_- And I am not amused lol I made sure to keep this thing (my heart) on LOCK for the rest of forever and the only ones that could have any type of access to it, were the ones already in it (you know, my family & friends, what have you). I understand that any other person who has found love would be over the moon w/ glee... and don't get me wrong, I am. Every time I see his face!... It's just... I'm the author of such posts as "Chronically Single" parts I and II, "Decisions, Decisions", "How long is Temporary?" (read them at your leisure)
Already, through absolutely no fault of his own, my illness concerns him. And I t-totally understand that, this shit would creep ME out if it wasn't happening to me. It's just, he hasn't even SEEN it at it's worse! And it scares me that he might. It is truly heartbreaking to see the look of concern and helplessness on the face of someone you care about... who clearly cares about you!
Also, I've been SUPER BURNED so many gah damn times by people I love, it's not even the fuck funny. And I'm not just talking about guys that I've talked to or dated... NO... people that I fucking trusted. Family members and "friends" and people I didn't even fuck with! I've been back stabbed TOO MANY times to count and the wounds are still fresh as fuck. I've forgiven but damn if I'll EVER forget. And the anticipation of POSSIBLY going through that type of hurt again, FROM ANYONE, sucks too hard!
I'm a Taurus and change freaks me thee fuck out!!!!! And the amount of change occurring right now is a tad overwhelming (I couldn't possibly fill you in on all that's happening in my life). However, with this particular individual... this particular change, for the first time, I feel it's worth the risk. I don't see him ever misusing my trust or hurting me as much as I have been in the past. I just wish w/ everything that's within me that I wasn't chronically ill and not feel the need to fiercely protect him from it. *shrugs* I'm sure I'll let go...eventually ;)
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