Skip to main content

Chronically Guarded: My LEAST Favorite Trait

Hey kids! Let's just jump right on into this, shall we??

Now, if you follow my blog, you know good and gosh dern well I have many a problem. So much, in fact, that they get in the way of my own happiness. Last post, I told you how I'm starting to get brand new in my life and leave the past (things that I've done and have been done to me) right where the hell it needs to be... BEHIND ME!... And they are... it's just my present that's causing me EXTREME anxiety at the moment.

It's no secret, to you readers... my people :), that I have an issue w/ letting people in. Into my life, into my thoughts, into my feelings, my space, etc. I am uber guarded, w/ good reason. And I also don't like bringing others into the insanity that is my life. It's a hot buttery mess, as you know. And I'm pretty sure, ain't nobody got time for dat!!!!

With that being said... (Oh, dear God, I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I GOTTA blog it out)... a new person has slipped through the cracks and has found their way to my heart. -_- And I am not amused lol I made sure to keep this thing (my heart) on LOCK for the rest of forever and the only ones that could have any type of access to it, were the ones already in it (you know, my family & friends, what have you). I understand that any other person who has found love would be over the moon w/ glee... and don't get me wrong, I am. Every time I see his face!... It's just... I'm the author of such posts as "Chronically Single" parts I and II, "Decisions, Decisions", "How long is Temporary?" (read them at your leisure)

Already, through absolutely no fault of his own, my illness concerns him. And I t-totally understand that, this shit would creep ME out if it wasn't happening to me. It's just, he hasn't even SEEN it at it's worse! And it scares me that he might. It is truly heartbreaking to see the look of concern and helplessness on the face of someone you care about... who clearly cares about you!

Also, I've been SUPER BURNED so many gah damn times by people I love, it's not even the fuck funny. And I'm not just talking about guys that I've talked to or dated... NO... people that I fucking trusted. Family members and "friends" and people I didn't even fuck with! I've been back stabbed TOO MANY times to count and the wounds are still fresh as fuck. I've forgiven but damn if I'll EVER forget. And the anticipation of POSSIBLY going through that type of hurt again, FROM ANYONE, sucks too hard!

I'm a Taurus and change freaks me thee fuck out!!!!! And the amount of change occurring right now is a tad overwhelming (I couldn't possibly fill you in on all that's happening in my life). However, with this particular individual... this particular change, for the first time, I feel it's worth the risk. I don't see him ever misusing my trust or hurting me as much as I have been in the past. I just wish w/ everything that's within me that I wasn't chronically ill and not feel the need to fiercely protect him from it. *shrugs* I'm sure I'll let go...eventually ;)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

An Open Letter to My Mother on Mother's Day ❤️

My Dearest Mommie, I've been lying here for hours just trying to find the words to express how much you are to me. But it's hard to pick the big things or significant things out of EVERYTHING... because that is what you are to me, Ma. You are EVERYTHING!!!!  This road has not been an easy one for us. There have been many a speed bump and quite a few hurdles. But here we are just on the cusp of 28 years later and you are still not a ray short of my sunshine! ☀️ From my birth up until this very moment, our journey has NOT been easy. But thanks be to God, he lent me YOU!!!-- I'd go on to list all your AMAZING qualities... i.e. Your compassion, your drive, your FIGHT, your smile, your UNCONDITIONAL love for me & my siblings; as well as your adopted grandchildren. You're effing (see how I purposely censored myself 'cause I know you don't like it when I drop those f-bombs. 🙄 Only for you, on your day! 🙊)... but the remainder of who you you are (ALL GOOD ...

Understand, I have NO Control

It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and update you on my life. Now , I've had some incredible experiences lately that have, unfortunately, been overcome by endless amounts of frustration. I've never been so over a situation in all my life! And it sucks b/c it is my life!!! As a christian, I understand that suffering is a gift... but damn if I ain't spent 6 years searching for the receipt!!! As I've said before, this disease has dictated my every breath. My life is consumed by something I literally have no control over. Now , I understand that nothing grows without a lil rain, but I've never heard of roses blooming  through a flood, either! I'm tired. Although, completely out of my control, I continuously feel like a failure. And I hate to admit it, but I've pretty much given up on myself. I'm just waiting for this thing to win. For every step forward, I swear , I'm knocked 5 steps back. And I don't think I...

Soft Tissue

The way I love Has Yet to be reciprocated.  My love language? A dialect no one speaks. My head's underwater. No snorkels allowed. I wade in a sea of  My own ill-gotten tears.  The pain? Seemingly beyond my threshold. Yet, I still love the way I  love. I refuse to let my heart harden. For there are few things in this life Stronger than a docile heart.  A heart that loves so easily. Yet begs itself, Pleads with itself, Blood curdling cries Highlighting the desire to take That love BACK for itself.  For it's beauty has been worn. The substance of it laced with hurt. It's unfair! But it SO can be repaired.  It's pliability makes it malleable. Giving, The Potter, free reign  To breathe life into me, While my wounded heart lay in repair. Spinning the clay-like organ As I journey along Protected.   On a divine ventilator, Waiting. The vitality of my vessel spins Between the loving hands of, The Truth. Every indentation, Every impression, Made lov...