tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-35807109728456937902024-02-18T22:49:02.400-08:00Confessions of the Chronically FrustratedI have been battling a weakened immune system most of my life. And for well over a decade, I've been ill with Late Stage Lyme Disease, but having just been diagnosed, April 2013. Now, USUALLY, I don't like to share my business BUT I'm finding I'm not the only one living a life filled w/ pain. So follow me and better understand my tale of the sheer unnecessary! Whether you can learn/relate OR even get a laugh or two out of this, it's DEF worth the read... ENJOY THE RIDE!!!... somebody has to;)Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-69946308612237588302021-04-20T05:54:00.010-07:002021-04-23T10:23:47.128-07:002020: TyLand, has Fallen (Part I)<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span style="color: #cc0000; font-size: medium;"><b><br />***WARNING: The following content is intended for mature audiences. It contains a whole lotta BULLSHIT no man, woman, or child should EVER have to endure. But is wayyy more common than we, as a people, acknowledge. Yet, and still: Reader's discretion is advised.***</b></span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Liiiike... I'm NOT exaggerating. So, let's just take a few <b>DEEP</b>, <b>cleansing</b> breaths before we dive into all this mess.-- Yep! Just like that.<b> IN</b> & <b>OUT</b>... <b>IN</b> & <b>OUT</b>... Once more...<b> DEEP</b> breath <b>IN</b>... & completely emptying your lungs, breathe it all <b>OUT</b>!-- Beautiful! Now, let us begin. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">OoooOoh, I'm so nervous!!! lol Like, IMMEDIATELY, nausea. Good Lord. *face palm* Liiiike, guys 1) Barely ANY of what I'm about to divulge has much at all to do with my Lyme Journey... liiike, we'll run into it a here and there during this sip & see beyond the comforts of the veil-- well, more like a tapestry-- that separates my clinical transparency from my valued personal privacy... If that makes sense. *shrugs* (2) Which makes me sofa king nervous because there a lot of moving parts that most would just like to bury. But in my disclaimer, I did say, these experiences I've been "gifted" are NOT uncommon occurrences. Most, if not all, are seen as "taboo" when they shouldn't be. And if you know me, you know how I like to shed light on very <i><b>culturally typical traumas</b></i> that are IMMEDIATELY hushed or swept under the rug, labeled, "Stigma. Don't Touch!" (3) I get very self-conscious about my digressions. Or my run-on sentences. As well as, my MANY mispunctuated run-on sentences. (4) Not to mention, the numerous time I started writing this only to stop and delete it. A.) Due to the yips & B.) I just didn't like how dense of a post it was turning out to be. SoOoo, just about all topics will have their own detailed posts in the weeks to come. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">OKAY!... *gathers self*... Ready!</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b><i>Heyyy, my Cutiesss!!!</i></b>-- Gotta start this off proper!-- My Few but Trues! And faithful ghost followers, alike! lol How y'all been?! I've missed you. But I promise this is the literal beginning of weekly posts & updates. I've been in hermit mode wayyy too long! And with being immunocompromised (weak immune system) in the climate we're in, I got all too complacent in my bubble. But, damn, if that shit was all butterflies and rainbows. Hell nah! To get a full grasp of how, I, along with most of us, BARELY made it to 2021.-- Shiiiid, let alone the fall of '20 & beyond, for me. So, let's see... *ponders real hard right quick* In order to do that, we'll have to time hop a bit. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">For the full scope, we have to go back to November of 2019 to the trauma that started this whole mess. The day I got a harsh reminder to ALWAYS trust your gut!! </span><span style="font-family: verdana;">It was the morning before Thanksgiving.<b> *** AND MIND YOU I GAVE A DISCLAIMER AND THIS BOUT TO BE REALLY REAL!</b></span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>*** </b>The 27th of November my feet rested in stirrups as the ER doctor lifts her head up, back to eye view, as she asks the attending nurse for more chuck pads (most would call them "puppy pads" for not quite housebroken pups.) And she says to me, verbatim, "Yeah, Sweetie, you're definitely having a miscarriage." And I wept. Because that was how I found out I was even pregnant at all. Well, I had a deep knowing, but was in denial. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew. But, due to Lyme Disease mimicking every damn thing... including pregnancy symptoms... I've had pregnancy "scares" in the past. But the way my, then, partner would react after about the 2nd time, he didn't wanna hear it. Understandably so, I reckon, so I just buried it. Even though the dreams, the morning sickness, the not feeling alone in a different kind of way. It's very hard to put into words how that experience was. It's such a beautiful tragedy. I took that loss very hard! Mainly, because, due to the disease, I didn't think I could get pregnant at all. That was the only silver-lining, I can conceive.</span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: trebuchet;"><i><b>Sidebar: That 2018 "pregnancy prank" (with my REAL swollen belly) y'all, social media followers, of mine, got so up in arms about. Well, the method to that madness was designed to, a) raise awareness that once we, as women with Lyme & other chronic illnesses, get pregnant, we are automatically considered high-risk. Fertility & reproductive issues, such as miscarriages, endometriosis infertility. Or, every Lymie-Mother's nightmare: Unknowingly passing this horrid disease to the baby in utero! Still, there have been advancements in the knowledge of preventing the passage of it from mother to baby IF pregnancy is detected early. Yet, and still, no guarantee... at least not that I know of. OR breezing through pregnancy (b/c we allegedly feel better during gestation) only to give birth, which is a SERIOUS and sometimes fatal trauma in and of itself and now you can't care for your baby the way you need to.-- I'll repost that blog that got less than a 5th of the reaction I got about the hoax y'all (you know who you are!) so curiously wanted to get to the bottom of. It's called: "The Truth Behind the Bump" -- But, at that point, I was so over it. Over trying to raise awareness of a disease that could be festering inside you, as we speak, just waiting to get past your intuition and get to this level of struggle you've seen me endure. And I'll say this last thing and I'm done w/ this digression. Since experiencing my own loss. I, still, wouldn't give two shits about a April Fool's Pregnancy. Especially, since I've been invaded by insensitive, invasive, direct questions about children I don't have. Or how my pregnancy was going. Can you get pregnant? Are you allowed? When are you going to settle down & have a family? Don't you want kids? Have you thought about freezing your eggs now that you're getting up there? THAT is inconsiderate. THAT is heartbreaking to endure silently for YEARS. That shit hurts.-- And I only bring up this here rant because I can feel there will be at least 3 ppl reading this thinking, "Now you know how it feels. Not so funny now, huh?" Bitch! I been knew how it felt. I've had volunteer surrogates on deck since I was 21 years old. And it was never funny! After many a painful issue with my lady organs, I requested a diagnostic laparoscopy (abdominal surgery) to rule out endometriosis at that time, KNOWING, the risk of flare it would cause to the Lyme & Co-Infections. THAT is how "amusing" I've ALWAYS found it. *stank face* Not one bit.</b></i></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">December? A blur. I do remember dog-sitting sitting that Christmas and crying into some sugar cookies I was baking. LMAO it's not funny but it's hilarious 'cause it's true. *shrugs* Gotta laugh to keep from crying! Oh, and finding out my sis-in-law was expecting too. She was super sensitive and sweet about it. And though it stung, b/c I just wanted my baby back, I was elated for her! So, there still emerged a BEAUTIFUL lil one from all this hurt. And that's my lil homie! </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">By, January, I finally told the would been father. We were just good friends... I guess too good. lol I told him and that's when I knew we always felt more for each other... on an emotional level. Thus, began another SHITuationship, sown in vulnerability and reaped in codependency and toxicity. I LOVED him. But, Yo, ended up being every single lyric to Jazmine Sullivan's "Pick Up Your Feelings" But in hindsight, I'm not sure I was in love with him. Almost. That don't count though. My heart still, SOMEHOW, longed for another. A previous connection.-- No. Not him!-- One that has been in and out of my life since I was 18.-- By last Summer, both disappointed me... as my "FRIEND(S)!" (wasn't double dippin', for the record. And. If. I. Was.... I wouldn't have been the only one. *ques "And I oop" gif* LOL *also, gags a lil*</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">In, February, I entered a safehouse in hopes of just getting away from home. I was cutting myself again and popping pills like skittles. But nothing would numb or distract me from the pain. SoOoo much pain. And some I just kept inviting back in my life, time and again.-- This was the year I learned I tend to run or get caught up in the same cycle, just different faces... some belonging to the same person! There, I was dealing with a... resident advisor??-- we'll just refer to him as that. Every night someone stayed like a house mother or father. At dinner on his evenings was where he passive aggressively mocked my not being a real drug addict. As well as my lack knowledge when it came to street drug jargon.-- Aaannnd que uncomfortable, WTF?!, filled laugher.-- *rolls eyes* Dumbass. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">We went to meeting and I heard stories I would have never believed or feel like I could have survived. A really really amazing program, with an ABUNDANCE of resources and help. I just didn't belong. And everyone there knew it. So, I wasn't there long. I wouldn't know where to buy a drug if I wanted to. And I didn't. Never crossed my mind. I was just hurting to the point of self destruction. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">We all know what happened in March. Smh No one needs to relive that horrible month of uncertainty and weird ass energy. I did have a stress induced seizure after being seizure free for a year. Mild but still hurt like a SOB! Thank God, I've made it a year and a month without another! Tis a big deal.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">April.... I found out my dear friend who'd been dealing with breast cancer and actually kicking it's ass had passed away literally the night before I RANDOMLY ran into her husband who told me on his way home. She'd pushed me away after the cancer returned with a vengeance. We were turning a corner, back into our sisterhood and then she went radio silent again. I thought she was just not ready to see me. (Nothing at all bad went down between us. Just life with Late Stage Lyme and Metastatic Late Stage Breast Cancer treatment days. We were both in treatment when we met.) But she wasn't ghosting me. She'd fallen even more ill and I had no idea until she was gone. Same thing happened to my dear friend the year before. Damn near the same way. AND still not fully over finding out I was really pregnant by losing it. HOLY TRIGGER!!! My grief, when it came to her, was all for her family. I wasn't at all happy she was gone (it still doesn't feel real a year later.) But to know she wasn't suffering anymore gave me a bit of peace. So, I wrote a lot more; Just dove into writing and Netflix binges. I was beginning the process of healing from my losses whilst still actively being taken advantage of by ppl who KNEW what I had on my plate. This year, I learned my energy was healing. Often, just a fix for most. Being in my presence, usually, made ppl feel better or comfortable. But not everyone is worthy of experiencing it. See, I started to see these cycled patterns as my own doing and my spirit couldn't take much more, comfortably. I'm not easily fooled. I'm an empathic energy reader for Pete sake! <i><b>You cannot manipulate me without my permission.</b></i> I allowed it. Therefore, I was much harder on myself than these<i> seemingly </i>dying connections.(I haven't burnt any bridges, yet.) </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">May, was coolio. Birthday month! lol I started getting back to normal. Reclaiming my time... and loving the hell outta me. But I'd soon be distracted and hurt again. The rest of the timeline, month by month is a blur.</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Someone extremely close to me decided to TRY to tell me some unsolicited fuck shit. This person whom I would NEVER let a soul talk about in my presence negatively and allow them to feel remotely comfortable doing so. We'll call them person "A". So, Person A, told this other Person "B" something I said completely outta context, COMPLETELY omitting the entirety of the conversation and what THEY said. (Y'all I'm sparing so many ppl in this blog it's ridiculous. Mainly cuz I know most of them would not do the same if the shoe was on the other foot.) Person A then goes in and says Person B (that I don't even know. I met them 3 times in this life.) went in on me. And I asked wtf Person B could possibly say about me? And Person A looked like they didn't wanna say it. And I asked, "My teeth." The Reply? A nod and a twice repeated, "[They] took it wayyy too far." To which I replied, "Why the fuck would you tell me that." Because, it was one of those:</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Nobody: </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Not One Earthly Soul: </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Not even a mouse: </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Person A: "I told Person B what you said about them." </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It truly felt like Person A was baiting me into asking for examples. Never, since this disease began ruining my dope ass smile, has, ANYONE (besides one family member, to my face. But he thought we were both laughing *rolls eyes*), not even a child, not one. Said a thing to me negatively or otherwise about my teeth. This is the only insecurity I have. Idgaf what this, pretty much, <i>stranger</i> said about me. Person B, doesn't know how trauma behind my current "smile." How it happened damn near all at once. Due to the disease (I recently found) coming from/setting up shop in my teeth thus causing the effects you see now. But I can get another smile. I can heal from having 3 back to back seizures after getting 2 teeth pulled as they were already broken and continuing to break like breadcrumbs in the dentists hands. They have no clue how ugly and broken I felt but at the same time THANKFUL AF b/c it could have very well been the loss of someone else I love, or even that of my own life! I'd never had a cavity or needed braces before this shit. All this happened in the span of 4 weeks. Every week I had to get at least one extraction because root canals would have probably sent me on a flare I'd never recover from. Dead ass. Especially, knowing the disease likes it there. My doc believes I began improving a lot quicker due to these Lyme infested teeth being removed. But knowing that Person A let Person B go on some type of disrespectful tangent, broke my heart. Because I JUST let Person A back into my circle. My self esteem plummeted. And for the record, I don't think I'm ugly at all. Because I'm not. But losing my smile was a different type of blow. I miss smiling. Hair can grow back... Teeth in your 30's... not so much. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Then shit really got blurry. I disassociated from myself completely because I'd completely buried the trauma of just having been raped. By some bitch ass excuse for a man that doesn't understand no means no in more than one language. (Just to be clear, this was NOT, anyone of the previously mentioned.) I ended up voluntarily committing myself to an inpatient medical facility that changed the course of my trajectory. Because, by this time, if I had it my way, the ONLIEST place I was headed was straight to the grave... (Or an urn. I think I'm more of a cremated girl.) And 2-3 weeks after peeking past the protective wall of my mind, I checked myself into the hospital.-- I wanted to die. I was begging for it. Hoping one day I'd accidentally overdose on some Rx cocktail and drift away from this world... from the pain. Or nut up and do it myself. Before, though, I couldn't figure out why I was so disgusted and disappointed with myself. Why did I let him do it? Why did I put myself in that position? Why am I that lonely that I would ignore every red flag he waved in my face?!-- There was NOTHING I did wrong. I didn't LET him do ANYTHING! I realized I'd repeatedly said No. I even covered myself. It didn't matter. I just wanted to disappear til it was over. Then outta nowhere snapped out of it and pushed him off of me. But I so desperately didn't wanna be the victim of another thing in this life. I wanted to get home safely and just cry myself to sleep. So, I acted as if nothing happened. I'd gotten a good enough read on him to genuinely believe that if I was as reactive as I had every right to be, he'd be the type to panic and do something irreversible. I just wanted to make it out safely. It was gut-wrenching. And when I was doing my psych eval intake, this social worker came in and asked all these questions. When it came to the question of sexual abuse, I'd just realized I was violated and couldn't say the R word to save my soul. But I can turn a phrase now, I paused and thought how can I word this, cuz he didn't beat me. Aside from violating me as not only a woman but a human being he didn't bring about visual harm to me. So, I said I was "sexually mishandled"... Social Worker: "You were raped!" Oh, the cringe of it all! I come out with all this now because Rape Culture has had many ppl getting away with damn near torching souls & getting away with it for CENTURIES!</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">You don't have to be brutalized in order to have been raped. You don't owe a soul any of you no matter what they may feel they've earned! You were violated! You had something precious and under your control stolen from you. Your dignity demolished. Your self respect and self worth? Abysmal! But #MeToo! And know that if you're like me, and the first person you tell, shames YOU! Run! Do not walk. Sprint the fuck away from that energy and never let them back in again. You can forgive, as I have. Not the rapist, yet. It hasn't even been a year. I'm not that nice. </span><span style="font-family: verdana;">I now understand how women can be so sickened by this that they turn to same sex partnership and love. I get why people (because it happens to men and children too) don't go to authorities. Or hold it in until it manifest into a health concern. I'm one of them! I will NOT defend myself against the actions of someone who blatantly deprecated</span><span style="font-family: verdana;"> all OVER my womanhood only to be further questioned about my actions! Btw, I did get a full workup of testing done to make sure I didn't catch anything. And I'm clean, I'm CLEAN!!!! Of everything except weed. lmaoooo *shrugs* It's the cure-all! You better ask somebody!</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I will say that in all the rain and pain and depression and PTSD and anxiety and covering my figure most of the time. I am in trauma counseling weekly. I meditate daily. I'm finally starting to feel like MYSELF again after 10 years... and who knew all I had to do was acknowledge those wounds that damn near killed me. I've come to learn so much about Ty 2.0 and she's grown so much! I don't sit around and wait for red flags to slap me windmill style anymore. I LOVE AND CHERISH ME!!! For the first time in a very long time, I've NEVER felt more beautiful! I've never felt so much inner and outer love and support.... not at the same time. It's nice!</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I wish this was the summation of TyLand's Year in Review. The year you almost lost a real one. lol for really though, I can't believe I'd gotten so far and fought so hard to live that I was willing and ready to throw all that away just for some quiet. smh </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Part II will conclude this emotionally draining BUT I know I went through it, phoenix style, for someone else who's gone through or relates to ANYTHING I've overcome & am currently overcoming. Life is beautiful... Just makes sure you keep you're viewing it through habitually cleaned lenses. POV, people. POV!</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">If you or someone you know is going through a hard time and considering making a permanent decision based off of a temporary situation (because I promise! EVERYTHING is temporary!) Please don't wait til it's too late. Talk to somebody! Anybody (***Who CARES***)!!! I promise the loneliness you feel is just that. A feeling. I'm here. I love you and I care, need, and want YOU to survive. You owe it to the miracle awaiting you in your next season. Like I said, I'm here!!!... Like, literally, click the link. --> </span><a href="https://www.facebook.com/TyFightsLyme">(5) Ty vs Lyme: Road to Remission | Facebook</a> <span style="font-family: verdana;">(I'm still actively working on getting my Instagram account back. I miss my lil community... *pauses & thinks to self* I hope not too many of them think I'm dead.-- Also, my reach is about 6x's lower than when I was on IG so please if you care or dare... SHARE!!! You could literally be best friends with someone who's experienced one, most, or ALL of what I mentioned... and you wouldn't even know. </span></p><p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAb6bhC0qcfkSZfT5fnTa8NrlzTHQGCCrbEi4EYRa2iSyRRMsnJp3XDN3XSitDrrMtp5jI-_glHNd_27xjCSrp8MffZM0djxOV9Bf9XLXRTvv7dAkUlfqxTBg9jnVpkkANuFi7Y3i3ZbE/s1440/instasize_210422100024.png" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjAb6bhC0qcfkSZfT5fnTa8NrlzTHQGCCrbEi4EYRa2iSyRRMsnJp3XDN3XSitDrrMtp5jI-_glHNd_27xjCSrp8MffZM0djxOV9Bf9XLXRTvv7dAkUlfqxTBg9jnVpkkANuFi7Y3i3ZbE/s320/instasize_210422100024.png" /></a></div><br /></div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Blessings! <br /></span><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"> Ty!</span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-telephone-hotline">About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline | RAINN</a> or<span face=""Noto Sans", sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 16px;"> Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) </span></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"> </span><span face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #767676; font-size: 16px;">National Suicide Prevention Lifeline</span></p><div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; padding-bottom: 4px;"><span class="b_focusTextMedium" face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="color: #111111; font-size: 40px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 48px; padding-bottom: 0px;" title="1-800-273-8255">1-800-273-8255 </span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; padding-bottom: 4px;"><span class="b_focusTextMedium" face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="color: #111111; font-size: 40px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 48px; padding-bottom: 0px;" title="1-800-273-8255"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; padding-bottom: 4px;"><br /><span class="b_focusTextMedium" face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="color: #111111; font-size: 40px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 48px; padding-bottom: 0px;" title="1-800-273-8255"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; padding-bottom: 4px;"><span class="b_focusTextMedium" face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="color: #111111; font-size: 40px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 48px; padding-bottom: 0px;" title="1-800-273-8255"><br /></span></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #444444; font-family: Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; padding-bottom: 4px;"><br /><span class="b_focusTextMedium" face="Roboto, sans-serif" style="color: #111111; font-size: 40px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: 48px; padding-bottom: 0px;" title="1-800-273-8255"><br /></span></div><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></p><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-83133936676462562742020-11-18T08:52:00.000-08:002021-04-22T06:20:46.007-07:00Soft Tissue<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The way I love<br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">Has Yet to be reciprocated. <br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">My love language?<br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">A dialect no one speaks.<br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">My head's underwater.<br /></span></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">No snorkels allowed.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I wade in a sea of </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">My own ill-gotten tears. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The pain?</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Seemingly beyond my threshold.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Yet,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I <i>still </i>love the way <i>I</i> love.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">I refuse to let my heart harden.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">For there are few things in this life</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Stronger than a docile heart. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">A heart that loves so easily.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Yet <i>begs</i> itself,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Pleads</i> with itself,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Blood curdling cries</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Highlighting the desire to take</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">That love BACK for itself. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">For it's beauty has been worn.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The substance of it laced with hurt.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's unfair!</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">But it <i>SO</i> can be repaired. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's pliability makes it malleable.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Giving, The Potter, free reign </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">To breathe life into me,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">While my wounded heart lay in repair.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Spinning the clay-like organ</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">As I journey along</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Protected.</i> </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">On a divine ventilator,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Waiting.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">The vitality of my vessel spins</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Between the loving hands of, The Truth.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Every indentation,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Every impression,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Made love to so sweetly,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>So passionately!</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">On The Potter's wheel,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">My heart is reaffirmed.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">With the ever available, omnipresent</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Wheel of repair, I'm reminded;</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Due to the dangers of my purpose,</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>It was built to last.</i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">And, I, made to<i><b> love.</b></i></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><i><b><br /></b></i></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i><b><br /></b></i></span></div><p></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i><b> </b></i></span></p><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-80026085994709315732020-05-20T17:11:00.000-07:002021-04-22T06:21:40.392-07:0031... A Birthday Story<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Heyyy!!! My good golly it's been a while since I passed through here. The Lyme induced dyslexia has been at bay for a while now so I figured I say hi.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">I've missed you guys!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Since I last posted, <span style="font-size: large;">MY GAWD</span>, have things in my life changed?!-- Today I turn <b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>31 years old</i></span></b> and my mind simply cannot conceive it! <u><b>I'm blessed.</b></u> Who knew this day would come other than God?? 'Cause I for sure damn didn't.<i><b> *shrugs* </b></i>(I know we can use emojis now but the asterisk life just <span style="font-size: large;"><i>feels</i></span> right today. lol) I dunno if you can sense it yet but I come to you all today drentched in so much <i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>joy! </b></span></i>Sincerely. And it feels kinda scary to say outloud. B/c every other time I <i><b>THOUGHT</b></i> I was headed in the right direction in life, <span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>Life's,</i></b></span> petty ass would snatch me <b>RIGHT</b> back with the quickness. <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">It was a nevering ending cycle.</span></b></i> To the point that I was left with so much egg on my face, I was afraid of speaking positively over my own<i> life.</i> Scared of getting my feelings hurt once again due to <i>hope</i> and <i>expectation</i>. I thought I was lost before. Tuh! Y'all have no<b><i> IDEA</i></b> the bowels of<i><b> TRAUMA</b></i> I had to dig myself out of these past couple of years. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Why! This is the first year I didn't have a complete existential crisis leading up to my birthday in over a decade. And idk<i><b> *shrugs again*</b></i> that may be the saddest truth I've ever written. Like... Idk what year was worse.-- Well, I lie. Last May was <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">HORRENDOUS!</span></b></i> Boi *smh* but I digress... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">… But yeah by last year things had <i>drastically</i> changed in my life. Especially, in my Lyme Life. <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">Shiiiid,</span></b></i> most of my issues from 2018 honestly had very little to do with Lyme, in the grand scheme of things. There were a lot of lessons <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">predestined</span></b></i> for me to learn and grow<span style="font-size: large;"><b> outside</b></span> of this invisible disease <b><i>(By the way May is also Lyme Disease Awareness Month, so...yeah)</i></b>. A ton of karmic cycles I had to wrap up. Wounds to heal. And a <span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>vast void</b></i></span> in self love that I had been waiting <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">my whole life</span></b></i> to give and receive.<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> Like, OMG! Why didn't anybody TELL ME!!!</span></b></i> Like, I am caught up in the<i><b> rapture</b></i> of it all! <span style="font-size: large;"><b><i><u>MaaAaannn, self love hit different when it's real.</u></i></b></span> It's just like any other true love. It's not proud or boastful. It doesn't envy anyone elses self love journey. B/c when it's true it's easy to cheer on others. I mean,<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-large;"> I FEEL different.</span></b></i> I know I am, but I also know that the vision comes well before the manefestation... AND when you're really <b><i><span style="font-size: large;">TRUSTING</span></i></b> God to work it out you don't focus on it as hard. It's in His hands. <i><b>Sometimes</b></i> you forget about the end result altogether b/c you've learned to <i><b>enjoy</b></i> and find <b><i>gratitude </i></b>in the journey! AND, in this case, this realization of fulfillment really snuck up on me.<i><b> I wasn't ready.</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">But, yeah, welcome to the wonderful world of ADHD b/c holy cannoli <i><b>*palms face*</b></i>, as I was saying, by the beginning of last year I was port free. No longer doing the aggressive IV antibiotic therapy. My port site then got infected and it was a <i>shit show </i>of a wound that did not close on it's own until I think the end of March (it was removed in January of that same year). So, my life took a swift turn from homebound IV patient running meds ~20 hours a day to a drastically better but still nowhere near remission Ty.<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And I didn't know wtf to do with that bitch!</span></b></i></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> Wasn't familar. <i><b>*shrugs yet again*</b></i> It was like living with a stranger. One who had access to past feelings, pains, and memories. And somehow thought that bedtime was the right time to run the reel and discuss in detail...<i><b> all amogst myself.</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">See, during the time I started this blog, I was already losing my memory,<i> rapidly</i>. That's why I documented all that I could<i><b> WHEN</b></i> I could. <i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">(I'm forever grateful my withering mind thought that far ahead.)</span></b></i> But I didn't recall much from late pre-diagnosis 'til the end of my near 3 year aggressive treatment. <i><b>Which was the fucking <span style="font-size: large;">pits</span> btw and the reason behind my MIA status.</b></i> Not just dyslexia... <i><b>however,</b></i> a great card to play. LOL -- My life wasn't what I expected. And if anyone would have told me <i><b>RECOVERY</b></i> would be worse than actually going through treatment, ignorant me, would have found it<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> endlessly HILARIOUS! 'Cause how?!</span></b></i></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">-- But it was! I was having flashbacks and dreams of those years<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"> BATTLING</span></i></b> that were so vivid I was afraid to sleep. I'd go nights upon nights having not slept. Usually, only doing it when someone was home.<i> I was that scared.</i> <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">This life I led was absolutely no joke.</span></b></i> It roughed me the fuck up. Slowed my pace. Made me think more. Relax harder. Work smarter. It threw me for a loop I was <b><u>NEVER</u></b> mentally or emotionally prepared for. Like... I seen some shit. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">I was learning new ways to cope with my life. Most, in the beginning, weren't the best.<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I dealt with the pain of remembering by trying to will myself to forget.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> HA!!!</span></b></i> Let me be the one to tell you there is not enough herb in the WORLD!!! So, I had a lot of digging to do...<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> DEEP</span></b></i> fuggin digging.<i><b> *rolls eyes*</b></i> But like I said, I learned a <i>WHOLE </i>lot. Mainly about myself. And most of it was more me<i><b> ACCEPTING </b></i>the things about myself that I'd always suppressed or denied. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>But...</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"></span><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span><b></b><i></i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span><br /></span>
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b> am </b></span></i>terribly sensitive. I don't always show it. And have reverted to not being able to<i> really </i>cry in front of others/in public again. So, my pride is safe. lol <span style="font-size: large;">But being a "sensey" is who I am. </span>There isn't anything wrong with it.<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b> It's my empathic superpower.</b></i></span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> It is<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"> INSTINCTUAL</span></i></b> for me to operate from a place of <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">love.</span></b></i> It don't always work out for the kid....<b><i> (stay posted for Chronically Single: The Trilogy. hahahaha)</i></b>... but I've learned to protect my heart in the process <i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>'cause THAT I WON'T change.</b></span></i> I ain't got the time nor strength for the additional bad juju.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I'm a hopeless romantic. It makes me literally<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> CRINGE </span></b></i>to admit. But I've been doing a deep dive into a journal book I've had from back in<b> 2009</b> and omg it was embarrassing to read. I am<i><b> LEGIT </b></i>all about<b><i> LOVE!</i></b> <i>Self <b>love</b>. New<b> love</b>. Old<b> love</b>. Rekindled<b> love</b>.<b> Love</b> at first sight. Endless<b> love</b>. <b>Love</b> on Top. Healthy<b> Love</b>. Nurturing<b> love</b>. <b>Love</b> that knows no limits <span style="font-size: large;">BUT</span> is intent on working with the brain because it knows that's where it's weak. </i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>I'm a pretty dope ass chick.</i></b></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> And I'm more than comfortable letting <i>you know </i>that <i>I know</i> that everybody I encounter <b><i>KNOWS</i></b> (whether they admit it or like me or not) that<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> <u>I am a rare breed.</u></span></b></i> And there is no comparing me.-- Hell, <i>I'm</i> having a hard time comparing <i>myself</i> to myself these days... I've changed<i> that</i> much.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> The external is gonna take a bit to catch up with the internal and I'm okay with that. Your validation means<b> <i><u>NOTHING</u></i></b> to me if it's not cosigned by God's.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><i> BIG PERIOD!</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> That being said, the<b> ONLY</b> two things I fear, are my God and my own greatness. And being able to admit that the latter of the two has held me back in many an arena. Sucks but it's the truth. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><b>I give better than I receive.</b></i> It's something I've been working at daily. B/c I am realizing it does a disservice to your own emotional and mental health when you deny yourself what you give others and call it<i><b><u> "humility"</u></b></i>... nah. I was just selling myself <i><b>HELLA</b></i> short. <i>(btw it's also Mental Health Awareness Month)</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I<b><i> habitually</i></b> underestimate my own strength.-- Like, the last year <i><b>alone</b></i>, y'all, I had to tackle a lot of demons that completely <b><i>BLITZED </i></b>my ass. I've dealt with a lot of <i><b>DEEP</b></i> loss. Loss I don't even talk about. Loss to which the thought<i><b> alone </b></i>leaves me in legit despair. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>I'm a lover.</i></b></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <i><b>But I will also do<span style="font-size: large;"> major</span> damage.</b></i> -- Trying to get this whole <i><b>polarity </b></i>thing down... Merging my shadow self (dark side) with my light <i>(which is the side that everyone sees... the side I rarely stifle)</i> was probably the <b><u>hardest</u></b> lesson of them all. We all have parts of us we'd rather others not be privy to but they're what make us<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"> US! </span></i></b>Working with those parts of me instead of trying to banish it made all the difference b/c I was <b><i>BURNT TF OUT </i></b>trying to keep the <i>"monster"</i> inside me at bay. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I connect deeply with <i><b>most</b></i> souls I encounter. But<b> THANKFULLY</b>, I also learned that it's just as effective and <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">okay</span></b></i> to love somebody<i> (in my case,<b> bodies</b>) </i>from a distance!-- I am not responsible for the expiration dates attached to each connection I make. And no longer do I take the exit of that soul's life from my own personally.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">For <b><i><span style="font-size: large;">my</span></i></b> tribe of FRAMILY members I have made <i>(and those yet to develop) </i>required <b><i>MUCH</i></b> prayer & <i><b>MANY</b></i> a sacrifice. And I swear, I'd blindly go through it all again if it meant your love. <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">You few but trues know who you are and I want to just acknowledge you for making my life the livable situation it is today. </span></b></i>And the ones that have loved me and I loved back that have gone on before you. To you all, know that that love still very much exists with soOoo much gratitude attached for what you were meant to give to me in this life. <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">I love you all!!!!</span></b></i> Y'all shaped me. And with this lil<i><b> "Quarantine 15"</b></i>, not a bad shape at all!<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> HELLO! GOODBYE.</span></b></i> LOL </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">I am wealthy beyond measure</span></b></i>... in experiences.-- So much so that<i> formal </i>education has yet to be <i>needed</i> for me to showcase my intellect. Also, my life is like a <i>Netflix Original Series</i>. There is no dull moments in<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> TyLand</span></b></i>. No rest for the wicked or weary.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Going within and isolating myself for the last year, especially, was so very necessary. Maybe not the healthiest but it exposed me to every flaw, weakness, unhealed wound I'd ever possessed.<b><i> Thus, the work began! </i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>I'm nowhere near where I want to be BUT so very THANKFUL and truly privileged to not be where I'd fallen all those years ago. </i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I've<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"> ALWAYS</span></i></b> wanted a family of my own. A husband and some kids.<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> Always!</span></b></i> It's just<i><b> *sigh*</b></i> the disease had backed me into a corner in such a way I felt it best to deny that desire to<i><b> </b>myself <b>COMPLETELY!</b></i> Getting my hopes up to be disappointed was a dish I was honestly sick of being served. It was just easier that way.-- Even came to grips that I'll likely be somebody's step mama.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><b> I was a subconsciously silent judger</b></i>... until I was put into those <b><i>EXACT </i></b>situations that I didn't understand to only then<i><b> OVER-stand</b></i> them. <b><i>Whew! </i></b>If you only knew.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> I've said this before but it bears repeating. Outside of, Lyme<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>, I am an EXTREMELY private person. My privacy is not your privilege. </b></i></span>I'd say<i><b> "sorry, not sorry."</b></i> but I honestly wouldn't be sorry for that. LOL I owe not one earthly soul a bit of me.<i> I share because I care. </i></span></li>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">LISTEN!!!</span></i></b> I have jumped through<i><b> HOOPS </b></i>to obtain this level of peace.<i><b><u><span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And I'm more grateful to God at <span style="font-size: x-large;">31</span> for all this 5D peace in this 3D Valley.</span></u></b></i> Soon the exterior will prove the interior's authenticity but for now y'all just gon' have to take my word for it and know ya girl is crawling out from the ashes<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i> ON FIRE </i></b></span>carrying <b>BUCKETS</b> of sweet, quenching <b><i>RELIEF </i></b>to share with all of you. Life hacks I've learned along the way; those that are surefire and those that aren't so hot. <i><b>I think I'm finally ready to spill some tea and it is <span style="font-size: large;">LIPTON! </span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;">Up until this 31st year I was everything<i><b> but</b></i> in love with who I am<i> (aside from the brief time explained in a previous post here entitled "Brokenhearted Girl")</i>! It took a<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i> horrid disease</i></b></span> to damn near dismember me <i>(Oh yeah I lost a good lil handful of teeth to this disease and my hair. The many scars I have on my body.)</i> My<i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> heart </span></b></i>being broken <b><i>by so many ppl</i></b> I don't even know what it looked like before the Almighty Pieced it back together. Also, Losing my<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> entire</span></b></i> identity. Fearing changes that were<i><b> INEVITABLE. </b></i>Opening up to new experiences and people. Losing my<b><i> </i></b></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>entire shit</i></b></span> to the point of me sincerely being<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"> gobsmacked</span></i></b> that in this whole saga I wasn't<i><b> involuntarily </b></i>committed somewhere. But you can truly not tell me a DAMN thing!!! <i><b>Attack my character? Attack my integrity?<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> I DON'T GIVE A HOT BUTTERED FUCK... anymore.</span></b></i> God grew me up. Not in the most gentlest of ways but then again I seem to only know how to learn things the super hard way soOooo... that's on me too.<i><b> *shrugs some more*</b></i> But yeah.<b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> I've come to a genuine place of self love and fulfillment.</span></i></b> I guess it's also because for the first time in my life I'm finally beginning to feel<i> safe</i> in my own vessel.-- I like tf outta me and I don't care much who doesn't. I'm gonna still be kind and spread my light <b><i>to your face</i></b>. At <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">31</span></b></i>, it dims for no man, woman, or child<i><b> ANYMORE!</b></i> I'm comfortable not feeling the need to defend who I am. B/c in all honesty <b><i>WHO TF ARE YOU THAT I SHOULD EVER HAVE TO?!</i></b><u> </u><i><span style="font-size: large;"><u><b>As long as my intentions and impact were within legal and ethical bounds and I ain't hurt nobody, I will remain unabashedly unapologetic for my existence in this world.</b></u></span> I never thought I would make it to 28<b>.</b></i> So, you best know for <i><b>DAMN </b></i>sure <i><b>I'm walking in the sheer confidence that me and my light and my love and my experiences and knowledge from those experience <span style="font-size: large;">BELONG HERE!!!</span></b></i> And there ain't shit you can do to lower this vibe. Hell you can't touch it without being affected. I'm contagious like that. LOL </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmuliRJK-jcGsAt88I9PsDG-snH-Psc7rptA5_PfmDctlnuoPzRTgnQlTdhiQhF47ZgKmLhk0kfkXalfoXwv_XPEJCwlamavLlL3i10KAY_lYlnhKbAZkDIebddAR6dNkwynXh1Pq8HH8/s1600/DSCN6174+%25282%2529.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmuliRJK-jcGsAt88I9PsDG-snH-Psc7rptA5_PfmDctlnuoPzRTgnQlTdhiQhF47ZgKmLhk0kfkXalfoXwv_XPEJCwlamavLlL3i10KAY_lYlnhKbAZkDIebddAR6dNkwynXh1Pq8HH8/s320/DSCN6174+%25282%2529.JPG" width="240" /></a><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">With all that being said,<b> <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*grabs megaphone*</span></i></b> TURN TF UP!!! 'Cause it's my birthday and I'm finally excited about life! </span></div>
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Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-55172488263489329062018-04-13T04:53:00.000-07:002021-04-20T06:27:31.992-07:00The Truth: Behind The Bump<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">My Dearest Followers (both proclaimed and ghost, alike),</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I have been spending DAYS trying to write this blog entry on my latest IG (@iamTendaroni) posts/hoax.— That’s right! A hoax. I was and am NOT pregnant! And I only apologize 1) for anyone who’s feelings were <u>truly</u> hurt by my taking advantage of the <i>spirit</i> of April Fool’s Day and the very visible symptom— Oh, yeah! That bulging belly is very much real w/ ZERO manipulation on my part to appear that way. And 2) I sincerely apologize for the confusion that accompanied an incredibly long break between posting and explaining. Because my initial reasons for said “ruse” were (& still to an extent) simply to raise awareness of just how dead serious I am when I say “chronic/late stage Lyme Disease affects <u>EVERYTHING! </u> As well as, the incredibly HARSH realities us Lymie Women must face when it comes to pregnancy outside the comforts of remission.... </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">... but then came the comments— all positive and pro-life—- leading me to realize, y’all, haven’t been digesting a thing I’ve said! Which is why I felt the inevitable backlash of a mock pregnancy on April-Fuggin-Fool’s Day would be well worth it!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And I was right b/c this awarness wrapped in a prank has taken on a COMPLETE life of it’s own. From this lil IG post sprung so many other topics/conversations that need to be STARTED throughout not only the Lyme/Chronically Ill Community, but the entire human realm! Things like:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Self Isolation </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Depression/Anxiety/Rage</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Difference between Fair-weathered and All-weather Support</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Social Anxiety</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Financial Instability </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Social Acceptance </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The Effects of Neglect/Abandonment... etc.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Guys, I just spent my 5 year Anniversary of my Lyme Diagnosis (4/8/13) getting settled into a hospital bed (which partically hence my delay lol). And May (Lyme AND lupus Awareness Month— both very similar) is just around the corner and I plan to go even harder w/ this Lyme Advocacy! ESPECIALLY, in the wake of meeting and falling in love with two awe inspiring kids... both under 10yrs old... both BORN w/ the disease...</span><br />
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The 3 Surefire Ways of Contracting:</div>
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<li>Tick Bite (Lyme Disease is a Tickborne Illness)</li>
<li>Blood Transfusion (receiving blood from a Lyme Sufferer)</li>
<li><span style="text-align: left;">In Utero (Positive Mom passes disease to her fetus)</span></li>
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... and going through the same ignorant ass mistreatment! And, unfortunately, it only gets worse from here. So, a series of blog entries are necessary for the amount of light that needs to be shed on this— this FAR from uncommon disease. This is just the tip of the iceberg... not even!</div>
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This is my assignment and I will not rush the process and instead get an early start for a change. But you all were also very much overdue for the truth. I am NOT pregnant and wasn’t to begin with. BUT, fret not, because every prayer sent up for “my baby” we’re not wasted. Each and everyone has been forwarded to...</div>
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<li>All the PETRIFIED Lymie Mommies-To-Be who are sincerely more anxious to see their baby’s Lyme Test Results than their child’s actual face.— I also sent them to </li>
<li>Mommies forced to choose between continuing their treatment and an automatic high risk pregnancy.— And some to </li>
<li>The helpless mom(s) that cried themselves to sleep last night after holding their child as they did the same due to an ungodly amount of pain not even a mother’s placebo-wrapped kiss could heal.— Oh!</li>
<li>And the pregnant mom who won’t find out she’s even sick until symptoms start to present in their child as he/she grows leading to a positive diagnosis of Lyme.</li>
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Lyme Literacy is nigh! And forgive me for no longer wanting to throw my pearls (of wisdom) to swine. Liiike... you all have NO CLUE how many Lyme Advocates you’ve already lost! Simply b/c WE (the Lyme ridden advocates) are sick of warning y’all’s self-convinced invincible asses! So, this was pretty much a Hail Mary. My last attempt to get you all’s attention about a PANDEMIC worthy disease known also as “The Great Imitator” but what I’d like to call “The Great Equalizer” because NO ONE is exempt from it’s horrors! Period. </div>
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So, just for conclusion sake:</div>
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<li>No. I am not pregnant and was never with child</li>
<li>Yes. That was my real belly! But, no, it is not always like that</li>
<li>Yes, there will be a more detailed follow up post for clarification purposes. View it as a written BTS (behind the scenes) adaptation if you will </li>
<li>If you think you’re in your feelings now, wait until next entry</li>
<li>BYOT (Bring Your Own Teacup) b/c I’m gonna be spilling a lot this season, in honor of my 5th Year as an officially dx’d “Lymie”</li>
<li>There was no malicious intent involved </li>
<li>No! It definitely was not supposed to go on this long! Smh</li>
<li>Yes, I had a bit of help.</li>
<li>And could this have been done another way?! ABSOLUTELY! And it has... folks just tend to acknowledge what they choose. *shrugs* Besides, I’d be a FOOL not to take advantage of the spirit of the day & my fruitless bump. And an even bigger one NOT to run w/ it after seeing it generate over 300x’s more view than my previous “most viewed” videos AND IT HAD NO SOUND!!! Lol</li>
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So, now that I have your attention, PLEASE follow me and let’s talk Awareness and PREVENTION!!!! ‘Cause I’m about to show you what this Lyme Life can really put you through! </div>
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Love,</div>
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Ty(ree) 💚💪</div>
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P.S. TICK CHECK DAILY!!!!!</div>
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Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-48979290858429982892017-05-14T08:45:00.001-07:002021-04-22T06:22:36.409-07:00An Open Letter to My Mother on Mother's Day ❤️<span style="color: #454545; font-family: "uictfonttextstylebody"; font-size: 17px;">My Dearest Mommie,</span><br />
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I've been lying here for hours just trying to find the words to express how much you are to me. But it's hard to pick the big things or significant things out of EVERYTHING... because that is what you are to me, Ma. You are EVERYTHING!!!! </div>
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This road has not been an easy one for us. There have been many a speed bump and quite a few hurdles. But here we are just on the cusp of 28 years later and you are still not a ray short of my sunshine! ☀️ From my birth up until this very moment, our journey has NOT been easy. But thanks be to God, he lent me YOU!!!-- I'd go on to list all your AMAZING qualities... i.e. Your compassion, your drive, your FIGHT, your smile, your UNCONDITIONAL love for me & my siblings; as well as your adopted grandchildren. You're effing (see how I purposely censored myself 'cause I know you don't like it when I drop those f-bombs. 🙄 Only for you, on your day! 🙊)... but the remainder of who you you are (ALL GOOD THINGS) is truly endless! </div>
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Mum, you hold me down like NO ONE else! You have love me, even when I am truly unloveable. You have nursed me back to health and life YEARS before doctors began turning me away. My thoroughest girl, you have listened and heard my truth when everyone else turned a deaf ear. You see me! Not for who I am right now, but the little ball of carefree whimsy you birthed roughly 28 years ago. And I have no idea know how! </div>
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The venom I spewed at you-- Honestly, because you were the only one that cared to hear WHATEVER it was I had to say-- had no known antidote. The disrespect I've shown you, I continuously kick myself over! Even after I apologized, sincerely, in my lucid state. The endless amount of days you've spent at my side in the hospital. The endless nights I cried and you stayed up to make sure I wasn't alone! (Sweet, Jesus, here come the waterworks 😭😩😭) The untouchable amount of hours you spent, merely, yet INCREDIBLY, being patient with me.--Woman! I swear, Job ain't got nothing on you! 💯</div>
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Goodness, I could go on and on and on about the beauty that is your spirit. And I pray, every single day, that I inherited just a fraction of your light ✨Just one ounce of your strength 💪 And if I do, there's no doubt in my heart, mind, or soul, that I when the dust from this storm settles, I KNOW I'll be all right!-- The love you've given my siblings and I, and BEYOND, will span the length of time! God truly broke the mold when He created you and because of that, my heart weeps! Because the world needs so much more of YOU!!! AND if He too sees fit to give me children of my own and I am just HALF the mother you are to us, I'd be the best fucking (sorry! I had to... for emphasis 😏) mother to come out of the millennial era EVER!!!! And THAT I sincerely believe wholeheartedly.</div>
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Mommie, you are AMAZING and it has been my honor to live my entire life being utterly amazed by you! You are my favorite person. My greatest ride-or-die! The epitome of Grace under fire. The greatest example of earthbound agape love. And on today, I have two things I want to give you: 1) An open apology for continuously breaking your heart over the years. You are the last person I'd ever want to hurt, but, somehow you've always been the first I've cut. I've taken advantage of your presence, your kindness, your LOVE! And for that I will forever be ashamed.</div>
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But 2) I vow, today, to work, tirelessly, mending that beautiful heart of yours, partially broken by my own tongue. "Heavy is the head that wears the crown." But chin up because I'm coming back and I gotchu, boo! </div>
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Momma, I love you! And I swear, I am going to make you proud! I'm going to beat this monster and walk with you hand-in-hand to whatever promised land that awaits us! 'Cause I can't see me there without you, my fierce lioness!-- Oh! And thank you for possessing the wisdom in knowing that "a mother's work is NEVER done." AND not only being equipped for the job, but also DOIN' THE DAMN THING!!!-- You have been, you are, and forever will be THEE PERFECT mother for me! </div>
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HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, QUEEN OF MY HEART!!!! YOU DESERVE IT AND SOoOooO MUCH MORE!</div>
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<span style="font-size: 17px;">"For you, I'd lasso the moon 🌙 and hand you the string!" -Tyree Davis</span></div>
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❤️ ALWAYS,</div>
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TeeTee</div>
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Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-63504235996514022092016-04-27T02:17:00.000-07:002016-04-28T13:48:00.491-07:00Social Isolation and Chronic Illness... Let's Get Real!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Oh, Mylanta!!!! I have missed you</span></i><b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> all</span></i></b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> to pieces! Few but true, you're always there to listen, relate, and share in my tales of frustration and life... and I APPRECIATE you all for that!!!! <u><b>Sincerely.</b></u></span></i></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">Now, it's been quite some time since the last time I wrote to you... And with due cause. Last year, as well as this barely-here-year, has been hard on ya girl. For real! Even before the Lyme Disease Awareness Banquet (and don't worry... there WILL be a post with pics of the blessed event... Like... it requires it's own entry!) but, as I was rambling, even before that event, I knew I was going downhill. I'd gotten extremely toxic. To the point of it coming out of my pours and whatnot. I was not okay. And I knew it. I could feel it. It was draining. It wasn't me! AND on top of my earthly vessel under constant attack, Life's, ass decided she wanted to join in too. Not to mention the many<i> "physicians"</i> I saw, determined to disprove my, <b>very expensive</b>, <b>out-of-pocket</b><i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> PAID</span></b></i> diagnosis of, Chronic Late Stage Lyme and Co-infections.<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> And</span></b></i> by October 2015, I was no longer in a committed relationship. <i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And</span></b></i> by the end of October, to now, I can count on <b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">ONE HAND</span></i></b> how many times I was able to get out of this house, socially. <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>Any other time I was kissed by the sun (if it was even out) was an ambulance ride due to seizures that no one can explain.</b></span></i> <b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Or</span></i></b> a doctor's visit, I'd leave,<b><span style="font-size: large;"> PRAYING</span></b> to God that the tears rapidly flooding my eyes wouldn't fall until one of my parents wheeled me back to the car. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>*** No sympathy needed nor desired. I'm trying to paint a picture here of how things have been since we last spoke.***</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">So, here I am, roughly six to seven months into seeing the<b><span style="font-size: large;"> same</span></b> people <span style="font-size: large;"><b>everyday</b></span>. <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Losing my damn mind; LONELY AS FUCK.</span></i> I used to have a lot friends...<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> I was fucking congenial!</span></b></i> But now, I was feeling more alone and pathetic and worthless and hurt than ever before. <b>Days rolled together.</b> I was seeing the same 4 people <b><i>EVERYDAY</i></b>.<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> It was prison!--It is prison.</span> When my family is worn out and needing time for themselves,<i><b><u> they can leave!</u></b></i> Go see a movie. Have a date night. Go shopping. Meet with <i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">their</span></b></i> friends. And to be quite honest, it<b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> INFURIATED</span></b> me that those ppl that loved me, felt like prisoners too. When they can escape this hell of watching me suffer feel helpless or feel the need to constantly watch over me... <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>they can fucking escape!!!!... </b></i></span><i><u><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Me?</span></span></u></i> <i>I take this load of </i><b><i>hell</i></b><i> every single place I go.</i> <b>There is no escape.</b> To me, as a person afflicted with this disease for roughly 15 years; </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i>there is not one soul more frustrated, angry, miserable, confused, heartbroken... NO ONE MORE ISOLATED, than me! Period.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">Living with a chronic illness is an evil son of a bitch. It tears at your soul. Devours your optimism. Steals your zest for life. And all you crave,<i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b> daily</b></span></i>, is your life back. <b><i>That's it!</i></b> And when life throws you enough rotten ass lemons, you're reminded of just how alone you really are. Alone, in the sense of feeling forsaken by ppl you <i>thought</i> rode with you, unconditionally. <i><b>But unfortunately, chronic circumstances and loyalty and/or compassion don't make for good bedfellows.</b></i> And listen, I'll be 27 years old in a few weeks. This is the era of transition. Folks are living their lives. Finding themselves. Making new friends. Starting new families. Entering into their career fields. I get it... <i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">And I've accepted it.</span></b></i> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">However, it wasn't until someone shared their perspective on me, with me. They told me that<i><b> I</b></i> have isolated myself. To this day, I am not angered by that statement. Just reminded of how misunderstood, I, and my fellow Lymies and Spoonies are<i><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> <u>(Google "The Spoon Theory" for clarification)</u></span></b></i>. Misunderstood by loved ones, society, western medicine.--<i>I mean, pretty much anyone with an asshole and an opinion.</i> Allow me to be the one to tell you, in no uncertain terms... <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>*ahem* ...</b></span></i> <b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">TO HELL WITH ALL OF YOUR INEXPERIENCED ASS OPINIONS!!!</span></i></b> And I mean that with ever beat and murmur of my heart. And as my dearest and BEST FRIEND, who also suffers from Lyme & Co., always says, <i><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"You don't get it till you get it."</span></b></i> And before you think,<i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> <b>"Well, Ty, you have, at least, her to keep you company!"</b></span></i> I'm gonna need you to just quiet your mind and come out of, <i>The Wildness of Ignorance</i>, b/c my ride or die lives nearly 3,000 miles from me. <i><b>*insert ugly Kim K. West cry face here*</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><b>"Well, Ty! Why don't you just reach out to them? They don't know unless you tell them."</b></i></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"> And the latter part is very true, my sweet devil's advocate playing readers. They don't know. And some don't want to. My life's a bummer. And I've been told that all I talk about is my battle with, Lyme. Well, gimme something else to talk about! And besides, that sharing my Lyme fight shit is <b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>no</i></span></b> gah damn more... unless you're one of the one's who's been there and desires updates. But as the<b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> BEAUTIFUL</span></i></b> and<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> extremely graceful</span></b></i>, <b>Yolanda Foster</b> <span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i>(former model & mother to Gigi and Bella Hadid... & Fellow Lymie) said,</i></span><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> "Chronic long-term illness is extremely challenging."</span></i> And let me piggy back by saying, <span style="font-size: large;">no one wants to be around a sick person all the time... </span></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"><b>Shit's depressing.</b> <i><b>*shrugs*</b></i> And I will confess, I've<b> DIED</b> to call one of my old buds just to come and <i>sit with me</i> or<i> hug me</i> or <i>just feel their presence</i> and<i> know that I'm not forgotten</i>... <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">However, aren't you kinda forgotten or put on the back burner, <b>that no one EVER uses</b>, if you feel the need to call and inquire if you still have a friend??</span></i><b><span style="font-size: large;"> And I'll let you in on a little secret:</span></b> There is a figurative <i>(quite possibly, literal)</i> enzyme that releases when you become <i>"dependent"... "disabled"...Being So far off your<b> "A-Game",</b> knowing <b>"Z" </b>.isn't too far behind.</i> (<i>And if it ain't, damn if you don't sometimes wish it were! <-- The end, I mean.)</i> <u>But, as usual, I digress.</u> There is something that releases inside you in a<b> POWERFUL</b> way... <i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Pride</span></b></i>. With no cure or compassionate understanding physician in sight... </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>***Not you, new doc! You're a dream come true!... You just make my and my family's pockets weep, that's all. LOL***</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"><i>Pride</i>, just like the <i>Lyme, Bartonella, and Babesia</i> cells, that course through my veins, party right along with them three petty bitches.<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> I'm not calling to ask a damn person to come love on me!</span></b></i> It is no longer a secret that I suffer from an invisble disease, that controls <b><span style="font-size: large;">EVERY </span></b>aspect of my life, with<i> "no known cure"</i> in sight. <b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Why the hell would I do that?</span></i></b> Not many people know that my immune system is just a weak as a newborn baby w/ no hope of breastmilk. No one knows that whenever my neighbors hear an ambulance siren, they<i> immediately</i> think of me. Not everyone knows that I've developed dyslexia. I don't like to publicize to those that I haven't heard from,<i> for months</i>, <b><i>even years</i></b> on end that <i><b>on more than one occasion</b></i>, someone has had to<b><i> BATHE ME!</i></b> No one knows that my speech gets so inaudible that I have to communicate through writing or the very little <b>ASL</b> <i>(American Sign Language)</i> I still remember. <b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">***Mad shoutout to, Mr. D., for teaching my sister and I ASL way back when. Not a third of us could have ever imagine the impact it would have on my life today! You are appreciated!***</span></i></b> No one knows how hard it is for me to get out of bed...<i><b> if</b></i> I do at all. No one knows that the night I had my first seizure,<b><i><span style="font-size: large;"> 3 years ago</span></i></b>, that some of<i> my own family</i> <b><i>(not all... stay outcha feelings)</i></b> realized, <b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">"Oh, damn. She's really sick."</span></i></b> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">I don't feel safe, nor wish to place any discomfort on <b>ANYONE</b> I used to kick it with that doesn't know what to do for me in case of an emergency.<i> </i><b><i>Hell! I figured I was being pretty thoughtful, not putting that pressure on them, simply because I'm lonely and miss what we had and who we were to each other.</i></b> And this disease has changed me. At one point and even today<i><b> (but no one but the day 1's see)</b></i> that I am not the easiest person to love. <i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">And I know this because I struggle to love me too, at times.</span></b></i> One moment my heart's on my sleeve. Then the next, I'm overcome with anger. And before it got to this stage,<i> I don't recall ever experiencing anger... like... ever.</i> From tossing my walker down the staircase. To, one day, hulking out and destroying my room and myself<i> (still have the scar a year and a half later);</i> the entire time, feeling like I was looking down at myself; face red, throat full of acid (...<i><b> Like... I could'a lifted a car that day...)</b></i> Watching myself try to destroy <i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">everything</span></b></i>, yelling at myself,<i><b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"> "Yo! You know YOU'RE gonna have to clean this shit up, right?" </span></b></i>And when it was all said and done... <i>(cause my mommma caught & stopped me)...</i> <b><span style="font-size: large;">That's when I knew, I fucked up</span></b>. <u>But she didn't yell.</u> She just held me as I wept, repeatedly,<i><b> "Please don't call the cops on me! I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!" </b></i>And right hand to the man, I<b><span style="font-size: large;"> TRULY</span></b> did not mean it. I'd never lost my cool like that... ever. </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>And it scared the shit out of me!</i></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">I give you this particular entry because of the perspective that was shown to me. And if someone so "close to me" could view things this way;<i> who the fuck else is gravely misinformed?!</i> That I <i><b>chose</b></i> to socially isolate myself. That I really don't want friends. <b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">That couldn't be any further from the truth!</span></b> <b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I want my life back!!!</span></b> I don't want to be under the control of something that seeks to kill me. And I damn sure don't wanna have to go out in a wheelchair, barely able to speak, my full body spasming, with no control of my gross motor skills, making involuntary noises from ticks... and<span style="font-size: large;"><b><i> no one</i></b></span> looks at you.<b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Or they look a little too hard</span></i></b>. <b><span style="font-size: large;">Oh!</span></b> And if someone speaks <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">directly</span> to you</b></i> when you're, say, ordering food, and <b><u><i>not</i></u></b> to your<b><i> "handler"</i></b>...<b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> Mannn</span></i></b>... that's like witnessing the parting of The Red Sea! Listen, this shit is <i><b>mortifying!</b></i> Especially, when the extreme symptoms pick and choose which day of the week or month they wanna shit on. <b><span style="font-size: large;">THAT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN TO PEOPLE!!!</span></b> <i>Why I don't look sick and why I seemed fine just a few days ago. This is the most mortifying, undignified, journey I've ever been on. And the worst part is, it's the disease. But I can't say that b/c then I'd just be using my constantly questioned illness as a scapegoat.</i><span style="font-size: large;"> I'm not going out like that!</span><i> Listen, that whole, me being a rock stuck in a hard place is no more. I've pretty much merged with that rock and I call us, Pride...</i> </span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms"; font-size: large;"><b>I am Pride Rock.</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">And this is not a diss at all to anyone at all. I felt I needed to set the record straight as I enter into this new treatment and part of my journey. <b>I LOVE to meet new ppl. I love to socialize.</b> But a lot of what I'm going through is <b><i>MAD embarrassing</i></b>... especially if you know who I was before I got to this stage of the disease. My friends; both past, present and potential, know how to reach me. And if I'm<b><i> not</i></b> going through it, I will <i><b>ALWAYS</b></i> answer. <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><b>My heart... my very big, cursed fucking heart, loves in a way that surprises even me. I'm here. I'm open.</b></span></i><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b> I'm still me...</b></span><b><i> just fighting this fucked up demon inside so I can go on and be as great and in love with myself as I once was.</i></b> And thanks be to God, <b><span style="font-size: large;">I'm getting there.</span></b> I am learning to do what I have with others who have my heart, and always will.-- <i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I'm learning to love </span></i><b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">MYSELF </span></i></b><i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">unconditionally.</span></i> At the end of the day, I'm here with this testimony and this song of survival for a reason. 'Cause, Lord, knows I<b> BEGGED</b>, relentlessly for it to take me too many times to count. I've accepted that this is a process. <b>But not one I self inflicted.</b> I will no longer feel guilty or ashamed of <i>what happened TO ME!</i> And the way I chose to handle it.<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i> It didn't come with a gah damn manual. <b>It's life.</b></i></span> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">Now, so we're clear. I do not have any ill will towards anyone. I do not have abandonment issues... anymore. It is what is. But I <b><u>welcome</u></b> new, <i>sincere</i> people in my life. <i><b>And yes, I will continue to shade the fake every chance I get! LOL I'm just seriously kidding.</b></i> But, for serious,<b><span style="font-size: large;"> not everything you perceive is reality.</span></b> And words and assumptions hurt sometimes. I will say, I have learned some priceless lessons in this here saga of my life. I'm no longer hiding this struggle and haven't been since the 1st entry of this here blog. <i>And know that if you </i><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>do not</i></b></span><i> hear from me, I'm frying some big ass fish and will always reach out when I can.<b> And anyone who truly knows me and my heart knows that that's a fact.</b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><i><b><u>The moral of this story:</u></b></i></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"> <i>We can all work on our gift, or lack thereof, of discernment. We don't know everything. And we've all done things we aren't proud of and gone down roads we never knew existed. </i><b><span style="font-size: large;"><i>We are not islands.</i></span></b><i> We</i><b><i> NEED</i></b><i> each other. It's just harder for some of us to admit it.</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"><i>***Shiiid... I wish I would call someone I haven't spoken to or heard from in months and ask them to come induldge me in some human interaction. I am legitimately too proud to beg. But my door is always open. I'm on the right track. Don't count me out just yet! ;)</i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";">>>To see my journey follow me on Instagram @iamTendaroni and you can view my album on facebook... "Adventures in Recovery"--> <a href="http://www.facebook.com/tyree.davis.9">http://www.facebook.com/tyree.davis.9</a> <<</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><u><i>KEEP FIGHTING MY FELLOW LYMIES, SPOONIES, AND CHRONIC SUFFERERS!!!! YOUR LATTER WILL BE GREATER THAN YOUR PAST!!!</i></u></b></span><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms";"><br /></span></div>
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<br />Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-17236200320783423422015-08-24T07:53:00.002-07:002015-09-01T13:24:02.198-07:00Things are Happening!!!!!<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><strong>Oh, Mylanta!!!!</strong></em></span> To say that I've missed pouring my heart out to you guys is an <em>understatement</em>. I truly apologize to my regular readers for being t-totally MIA! Since my last post, <em><strong>nearly a year ago</strong></em>, things have been quite trying, to say the least. It's been very hard for me to type<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> (still is),</span></em> as well as put together a cohesive thought. The amount of fog that's been cluttering my brain has been <strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>BANANAS</em></span></strong>... and y'all know, I fuggin <strong><u>HATE</u></strong> bananas! lol</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">And if I'm gonna be terribly honest with you guys, I've been completely <strong>OVER</strong> the whole <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"Lyme Light."</strong></em></span> I am so much more than a sick chick, and I'm over that being my persona! I got to a point that, if I never heard anyone ask me about the illness or even mention the words, "<em>Lyme Disease"</em>, it would be all too soon. I've only been diagnosed, with the nation's most controversial disease, for 2 years and had already grown tired of the constant questions... questions about <em>how my treatment was going</em>...<em> How long until they think you'll go into remission?</em>... <em>When are they going to put you back on IV antibiotics?...Have things gotten any better?...</em> <strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">Ugh!!!</span></em></strong> Questions that all came from sincere concern, with nothing but good intentions. And you may be thinking:<em> How ungrateful of you?! </em>And I have an answer to that...<strong> I'm not.</strong> I mean, just think of it this way, this disease seeks to kill me.<strong> Period.</strong> It has been in my system for so, reproducing and shit, literally, killing me, in the most deliberate, obnoxious way possible. It has taken a good chunk of life! In fact, my entire adult life! I don't remember what it's like to not be in pain. I don't remember what it's like to not have this thing, that has RIDDLED my entire system for YEARS... decades, even. Like, my gah damn insides must glow lime green by now. So, from where I'm sitting, those constant questions... <em>(mind you the only subject anyone knows or chooses to converse with me over)</em>... to me, it's equivalent to going up to a burn victim and immediately starting the conversation off with,<em> "SoOoo, how are the skin grafts treatin' ya? Is this as far as they are going to go, cosmetically? Like, is there anymore they can do?"...</em> <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;">YOU</span></em></strong> <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">WOULD NEVER FUCKING ASK THAT!!!!</span></strong></em> So, why begin or make an entire conversation with me about the very shittiest thing that has ever happened to me?!... Just a little food for thought. I'm all for Lyme Awareness and educating EVERYONE I possibly can on the matter; just keep in mind that there's a difference between asking about Chronic Lyme Disease/Late Stage Lyme Disease and making small talk with me and that be the main, and usually ONLY, topic of discussion. Just saying, there's more to me than Lyme.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I was seriously going bat shit crazy, entertaining questions and concerns about something I just didn't want to think about. I mean, SHIT! <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Going through it everyday was eye glazing enough!</span></em></strong> I was at the end of my rope. I refused to go to the local support group with my mom. I'd push off appointments with my LLMD <em>(Lyme Literate Medical Doctor).</em> Back in May <em>(which is Lyme Disease awareness month, as well as, Lupus Awareness Month),</em> I think I may have posted one thing, if anything at all on the issue. I was soOoo gah damn over it, my mouth is worse than that off a pissed off sailor with a severe case of gout, during a 2 week rain storm.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong><em>But, then, right as I was in the midst of my breaking point, something amazing happened</em></strong></span>. An old classmate of mine contacted me, after seeing a video <em>(which I will post the link to towards the end of this post, 'cause you have to see it, in order to get the full picture)</em> contacted me and told me how much the video of me,<em><strong> not even at my worse</strong></em>, affected him. Literally, the last person... nope, not even... a gentleman I would have never in a million years think would reach out to me, not only reached out to me but was inspired in a way that left me near speechless and in tears. A now, man, I'd hadn't seen or spoken to in, at least, 12 years, decided after struggling to watch the video I posted <em>(it's not graphic or anything. I promise!)</em> Kept telling himself,<em><strong> "[He] had to do something."</strong></em> And he did just that! I inspired him to learn more about Chronic Lyme... and boy was he educated!!! I spoke to him for over an hour as he told me what he was putting together. And lemme tell you, 2 months later and I'm still in awe of his compassion and drive to put together,<em> along with a few of my other former classmates,</em> a <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Lyme Disease Awareness Banquet!!!!</span></em></strong> Uh... Can you say, <strong><em><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">God is good?!"</span></span></em></strong> The very thing that I'd been trying to bring awareness to, since my diagnosis, is now beginning to be taken as serious as it is! This is one <span style="font-size: large;"><strong>HUGE </strong></span>step in shedding light on Lyme and I know this is only the beginning. Sooner rather than wayyy too late,<em><strong> b/c by 2020, most of the nation's population WILL have contract Lyme disease... we're talking well over 80% here</strong></em>. And long will be the days of the Western Medical Community referring to Chronic Lyme Disease, as simply, <em><strong>"No such thing."</strong></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I'm so excitable about this event that, I know, will give birth to many more like it. Just watch. And to be the inspiration of something, not only dear to my heart, but will also educate and save so many lives is overwhelming to me! I never expected the response I got from posting something, I honestly didn't think twice about. I'd been doing my own personal video diaries since my diagnosis back in April 2013; so when this particular symptom occurred, I just picked up my iPad and pressed record. The response I received was, honestly, more than I bargained for. I was baffled by ppl saying they were in tears watching it and how difficult it was to watch, especially, for the ppl who've met me and never even knew I was ill. It wasn't a big deal to post, to me, because this was one of the least of my struggle with Lyme. Every comment that I read or every repost that I saw, caused me to go back and review what I posted and <em><strong>not one time</strong></em>, during my<strong> MANY</strong> times re-watching did I understand why such a commotion... I had, and still have that kind of reaction b/c <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">this is my normal.</span></strong></em> What I posted <em><strong>publicly</strong></em> was nothing out of the ordinary for what I or my fellow <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">"Lymies"</span></strong></em> go through<em><strong> privately</strong></em>. <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><u>We fight this seemingly impossible battle everyday! We are strong. We are survivors! Whether "the powers that be" choose to acknowledge it or not. We will be taken seriously. The "Lyme Community" will be given the respect we deserve.</u></em></span> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><strong><u>Please watch and Share!!! And even if you're not in the Annapolis area, SHARE!!!</u></strong></span><br />
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/tyree.davis.9/videos/10152696973290669/?l=5698927366334905399">https://www.facebook.com/tyree.davis.9/videos/10152696973290669/?l=5698927366334905399</a>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-32490876864324111092014-10-20T13:10:00.003-07:002014-10-20T17:09:56.838-07:00Love, Life, & F*cking Lyme!<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Other than the brief entry I made this past February, I haven't written in over a year... <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Not one thing.</span></em> The disease progressed so rapidly and aggressively, I began losing regular cognitive function, thus, making it damn near impossible for me to form a comprehensive thought... <em>However,</em> I'd started a treatment that actually showed promise. My LLMD <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(Lyme Literate Medical Doctor)</span></em> decided that I was <strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">FINALLY</span></em></strong> ready to have a PICC line placed and administer IV Rocephin everyday... <em>until recently.</em> <-- <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(But we'll get to that tid bit later)</span></em>... I slowly began to feel different... And eventually:</span><br />
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<li><strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wasn't in excruciating pain everyday... I mean, still in pain everyday, but not in the fetal position, screaming, in the middle of the floor, pain.</span></strong></li>
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<li><strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Seizure Activity was at an all time minimum</span></strong></li>
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<li><strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My balance and strength was so much better, I didn't have to use my walker anymore</span></strong></li>
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<li><strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My short term memory had improved...</span></strong></li>
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<li><strong><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">... as well as focus and comprehension...</span></strong></li>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">So many things I'd lost, <em>very slowly</em>, yet steadily, began to fall back into my lap. But, more importantly, <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>I felt MYSELF coming back</strong></span></em>... Until roughly 8 weeks ago.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I began noticing things were off. Almost as if I was regressing, <em>completely.</em> I would repeatedly tell my mom and my beau <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(yep... I've also been chronically attached for over a year, as well! lol)</span></em> that I couldn't help but feel the exact same way I did a year ago... confused <strong>ALL</strong> the time, making frequent ER trips, seizures multiple times a day, severe breakthrough pain, loss of my vocabulary,<em> etc.</em> <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I was petrified!</span></strong></em> <em><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Here I am, 25 years old, thinking the light at the end of the tunnel just <span style="font-size: large;"><strong>may not</strong></span> be a train and all of a sudden, I'm blindsided like a deer caught in the headlights with these recurring symptoms.</span></em> I was experiencing the worst case of<em> deja vu</em> ever!... Now, <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>hindsight is 20/20</strong></span></em> and knowing what I know now, <strong><u>I wasn't regressing!</u></strong> I was <em>stressed</em>, which caused a pretty intense Lyme flare up.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Pretty much, <strong><em>every other</em></strong> medical condition I had, outside of the Lyme Disease and it's co-infections <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>(Babesia and Bartonella)</strong></span></em>, all began to acting up, seemingly at once. I had ovarian cysts rupture, multiple times <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">(which is such an intense pain, it will wake you out of a dead sleep and right into hell)...</span></em> I began having seizures that weren't being controlled with medication... A migraine that started on a Sunday, stayed and <em>ultimately</em> sent me to the ER by Friday... My asthma became a<em><strong> serious</strong></em> problem... And I was experiencing severe breakthrough pain </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>(Which proved my Pain Management Doctor to be completely incompetent as well as compassionless in terms of my disease).</em></span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUy8gPJxkGM_YSIbcg8tPe3mtKEY39xfpkEqP-QU7hJTH6GB_CMjFx_1vELcgmHcQGqQ-cJrWXl5AFey14Jc-n8ILsBlx9uUHH4M21joUlkL7cbRCp0mjOLpF-mmcoKUo_rzILLPTr1l4/s1600/2014-10-19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUy8gPJxkGM_YSIbcg8tPe3mtKEY39xfpkEqP-QU7hJTH6GB_CMjFx_1vELcgmHcQGqQ-cJrWXl5AFey14Jc-n8ILsBlx9uUHH4M21joUlkL7cbRCp0mjOLpF-mmcoKUo_rzILLPTr1l4/s1600/2014-10-19.jpg" height="320" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">And </span></em></strong>to add insult to injury, I was internalizing and ignoring the pain of my boyfriend moving over<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong> 600 miles away</strong></span></em>. I'd always knew we'd end up in a long distance relationship at some point<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> (long story).</span></em> But I damn sure didn't think it would hurt this much. This was my long lost, childhood crush turned<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong> LOVE OF MY LIFE!!!</strong></span></em> He has been there through everything, since my diagnosis. This man... <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>MY MAN</strong></span></em>... came into my life like the sweetest dream amidst a nearly 9 year long nightmare.<strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> My best friend. My heart.<u> A rare fucking breed!</u></span></em></strong> <span style="font-size: large;"><em>And he chose </em></span></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-size: large;"><em>to love me?!</em></span> He and I had never been more than a 30 minute drive away from one another since we've been together.... and now, it was about to change to over <strong><span style="font-size: large;"><em>10 hours!</em></span></strong> </span><br />
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I was on edge. And if you had just blew in my direction during this time, I was going over!</span></em></strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Things got even more complicated when I ended up in the hospital for over a week... <em>Eight days to be exact</em>... But who was counting?!<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> <span style="font-size: small;"><strong>lol</strong></span></span></em> <em><span style="font-size: large;">It was a very traumatic experience, to say the least.</span></em> Initially, I was rushed there, via ambulance, for a number of ailments, but what became the sole issue was severe abdominal pain.<em><strong> -->Now, to say, "I know my body," is an understatement. It is my <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">JOB</span> to listen to it, intently.<-- </strong></em>Well, not only was it a serious<strong><em> BATTLE</em></strong> trying to convince these people that my belly pain had nothing to do with an ovarian cyst<strong><em> BUT</em></strong> it was like being in a fucking scene from <em><strong>The First 48</strong></em> when I told them just how much pain I was in! </span><br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq_3qoTzbUAqNEgmPY0HwsAIWRlLJ5mvU2wtgJ72NulIsM9_tfXO_v6EFzLMEz-3n1CAaDCsLv-flqGBM2JosZkvlWS1jC0XAWcmmkSPQvyUi8KlyY7ONcD-NlKy23rK1UMwjnDwHAkG0/s1600/2014-10-19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq_3qoTzbUAqNEgmPY0HwsAIWRlLJ5mvU2wtgJ72NulIsM9_tfXO_v6EFzLMEz-3n1CAaDCsLv-flqGBM2JosZkvlWS1jC0XAWcmmkSPQvyUi8KlyY7ONcD-NlKy23rK1UMwjnDwHAkG0/s1600/2014-10-19.jpg" height="265" width="320" /></a><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Explaining that I had <em><strong>Late Stage Chronic Lyme Disease</strong></em> was<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong> impossible</strong></span></em>. I was told multiple times that I was <em>exaggerating my pain scale</em>, which was a <strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">9/10</span></strong> to <strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">10/10</span></strong> everyday. I went through a countless number of consultations, with doctors from nearly every department.<span style="font-size: large;"> All,<em> stumped</em>, but I wasn't!</span> I kept telling my boyfriend, who stayed with me everyday <strong><span style="font-size: large;">:)</span></strong>, that it was my appendix. The doctors' argument: <em><strong><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">My CAT scan results showed, and I quote, "A pristine appendix." And my white blood cell count was normal</span></strong></em> <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>(In the event of appendicitis, the great majority of patients have an elevated WBC count)</em></span>. Well, I'd been on heavy duty IV antibiotics, everyday for 3 months... <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">THEY WEREN'T GONNA BE HIGH!!!</span></strong></em> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Because of the PICC line in my left arm, all blood samples had to be taken from my right arm. <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>Aaannndd,</strong></span></em> because I was given a medication I was allergic to, through my PICC, I developed a rash around it... which was further fucked up when a nurse called herself,<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> "<strong>keeping a close an eye on it,"</strong></span></em> cleaned it and placed a new dressing over my <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">wet </span></strong></em>skin! I was stuck over 15 times in my right arm, <strong><em>NOT</em></strong> including the six IV's I ended up having to get. I was treated like a bother, my entire stay.<em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> I was imploding and I just wanted to go home!</span> Fuck the fact that I <span style="font-size: large;">KNEW </span>there was something going awry in my body! I could be miserable at home.</strong></em> There was even a psychiatric consult scheduled. When I learned that, I told them I wanted to leave. Ultimately, I didn't and that consultation was cancelled the next morning.</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong><em> SoOoo many terrible things happened to me during my time there that I'm still not over.</em></strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">It took the third and <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>youngest</strong></span></em> hospitalist to say,<em><strong> "I do believe you're in pain and I'm not sending you home in this condition."</strong></em> She got a third surgeon to evaluate me and on the seventh day of my stay, he said he would put me on the schedule for surgery. He was concerned about the placement of my pain and <strong><em>AT LEAST</em></strong> wanted to go in and physically see what was going on. After the surgery, the pain I was in was <em><strong>immediately </strong></em>gone. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><strong>But</strong>, let me tell you, Lyme and Surgery are a terrible pair!</em></span><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"> I left just one day after my appendectomy. And was told, I'd get the pathology report when I went in for my follow up appointment. The surgeon did say, however, that just by looking at it, we were dealing with an <strong><em>abnormal appendix</em></strong> and he wouldn't be surprised if the pathology report showed it was indeed infected. <em><strong>Well</strong></em>, I just had my follow up appointment, and I went through all that bullshit for them to say, I was in </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><strong>early stages of appendicitis.</strong></em></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I thought that once I got home, after the surgery, I would feel better...<em> I got worse</em>. <em><strong>Emotionally</strong></em>, I was a wreck! I didn't understand why I was so evil and angry.<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong> And my piece of shit LLMD couldn't care less about me if he tried, because his ass was M.I.A. during this entire ordeal.</strong></span></em> <span style="font-size: large;">I was dealing with the unknown, on my own.</span> This led to a pretty rough breakdown. I cried hysterically to my mum and kept saying, <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">"This isn't me! This isn't me!"</span></strong></em> <strong>I didn't feel like myself.</strong> <span style="font-size: large;"><strong>I was scared shitless!</strong></span> I thought I was back where I started when I was first diagnosed. I thought I murdered all of my relationships with my family, friends and my love. <em><strong><span style="font-size: large;">I was a broken mess.</span></strong></em> However, upon research, I learned that stress, changes in lifestyle and <strong><em><u>SURGERY</u></em></strong> were all triggers for a Lyme Disease flare up... and<strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> that</span></strong> was what I was going through.<em><strong> Understanding that made such a difference!</strong></em> I was relieved that all was not lost and if I just stayed still and got some rest, I would be back on the road to recovery...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong><em>Yeah, right!</em></strong></span> My WBC count had dropped dangerously low. My LLMD ordered me to discontinue the IV Rocephin<em><strong> (THE ONLY TREATMENT THAT WORKED)</strong></em> and my PICC line be removed, immediately.<strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> I wept!</span></em></strong> I understood that although the medication was showing some serious promise, it was also causing <em>serious</em> damage. If I so much as caught the flu, in this state, it would likely be fatal. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><strong>As of today,</strong></em></span> I am PICCless and am on <em><strong>no treatment for the disease</strong></em>. My boyfriend's bags are packed and he'll be gone in a day or two.<em><strong><span style="font-size: large;"> I've cried everyday since all of this happened, September 29th.</span></strong></em> I'm petrified of what's to come. I'm praying for a miracle... That, <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">soon</span></strong></em>, <em><strong>Lyme Disease</strong></em> will not be such a misunderstood and controversial disease. There should<strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> never</span></em></strong> be a time that I have to explain this disease, which is<em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> FAR</span></strong></em> from uncommon, to any doctor responsible for my care. <em><strong>I've had nightmares about my recent hospital stay</strong></em>. And not a once did I get so much as an <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"I'm sorry."</span></em></strong> or,<em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"> "Ms. Davis, you were right."</span></strong></em> Not that I need the latter of the two, but you mother fuckers should acknowledge that you put me through an unnecessary hell!</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpRGY9Jlm7Ck7JcPTtALTSgEq61oYAkPSjWyIjOzHJPJhwBoq8dMFHTVm0N22KRE63Q6ZgNLqZoDyNAT_tCj5OmOnDZU0Ode4FxQAvmbpKQBoJi_9Ppk6djvqvG1j8b120ZgPn9oVnkVo/s1600/2014-10-19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpRGY9Jlm7Ck7JcPTtALTSgEq61oYAkPSjWyIjOzHJPJhwBoq8dMFHTVm0N22KRE63Q6ZgNLqZoDyNAT_tCj5OmOnDZU0Ode4FxQAvmbpKQBoJi_9Ppk6djvqvG1j8b120ZgPn9oVnkVo/s1600/2014-10-19.jpg" height="262" width="320" /></a><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><em>And the thing that hurts the most about what's happened lately is the fact that the person I love the most is about to be so far away! He<strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"> never</span></strong> left my side throughout this whole experience. <strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">He wiped my tears... Kissed my nose... Prayed with me and for me... Assured me that everything would be all right... Made me laugh... And loved me UNCONDITIONALLY!!!</span></strong> Even though we're committed to staying together, it feels like a <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>major</strong></span> loss. I already miss this man with <strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">every</span></strong> fiber of my being... and if I didn't have Lyme, in the stage that I'm in, I'd be going with him. :(</em></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"></span><br />Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-51182821893016354892014-02-06T19:39:00.000-08:002014-02-06T20:03:24.604-08:00Lyme Doesn't Care!!!<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">So, the gates of hell have burst WIDE open!!! In a couple of months it will have officially been 9 years of me being ill. I'm tired. Exhausted. I'm over this shit in EVERY WAY!!!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">It's become very difficult for me to express myself, especially through writing... one of my LOVES!!! I'm heartbroken at just how advanced this disease has gotten. Lyme has taken over my life... and that's just the very tip of the iceberg! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">There's so much more to the story of Lyme, and there's an amazing documentary that can better explain just what is happening. It's called, "Under Our Skin" and free to watch online... this will open your eyes to so much...BULLSHIT... surrounding this illness. I mean, even going through this rollercoaster ride, myself, was enlightened by watching it. <a href="http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/under-our-skin/">http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/under-our-skin/</a> <--- So, here's that link. PLEASE WATCH!!! This is a disease that does NOT discriminate. Lyme doesn't care what color you are; where you're from <em>(although MD is the most infected state in America, right now)</em>; how much money you have; your age; social status; NOTHING!!! Lyme doesn't care...</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">... and that brings me to a very special point: I'm going to be working on my OWN, documentary. These 9 years and, <em>unfortunately</em>, counting, WILL NOT BE IN VAIN!!! I want to show my own life, as it involves living w/ an extremely controversial disease for my ENTIRE adult life!!! <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">NOTHING</span></strong></em> will be off limits when it comes to my documentary, now, in preproduction. I do, however, need help in funding because filming <strong>AND</strong> having Lyme Disease <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">AIN'T CHEAP!!!</span></em></strong> And if there's anyone who'd like to invest in bringing light to a hidden epidemic... there's a link here for you too --> <a href="http://www.gofundme.com/6b3pj8">http://www.gofundme.com/6b3pj8</a> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"></span></strong></em></span><br />
<ul>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Cancer</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">HIV/AIDS</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Autism</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Lupus</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Multiple Sclerosis</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Parkinson's</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">Alzheimer's</span></strong></li>
<li><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia;">... etc. </span></strong></li>
</ul>
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<strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia; font-size: large;"></span></em></strong><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Would a disease by any other name sound as inhumane??...</span></strong></em> Because<em><strong> Lyme Disease</strong></em> is a disease, that if not properly treated, <strong><span style="font-size: large;">IS FATAL</span></strong>... but w/o an M.D. at the end of my name... my word ain't shit... so I'll just show you what it looks like.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I hope you can hear my,<em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong> late night video confession</strong></span></em>, clearly... it's a late in the midnight hour cry.--> </span><a href="http://youtu.be/wTcf5P0pn4U">http://youtu.be/wTcf5P0pn4U</a>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-63209816616433282972013-06-26T00:04:00.002-07:002013-06-26T17:37:18.501-07:00What Now?!?!<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Let's just begin. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">What the fuck?!</i> <b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What the ACTUAL FUCK?!??!</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><~~~</b> That has literally been the question on my mind for weeks now. <b>*overstated, confused shrug*</b> <span style="font-size: large;">WTF?!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My soul just seems like a punching bag at this point. <i><b>My heart hurts, fatally!</b></i> I feel like I can never begin to help you understand just what I go through/feel on a regular basis. I <i>can</i> say, please revert back to previous posts like, <i><b>"My Burning Desire"</b></i> and <i><b>"The Frustration Mounts"</b></i>... but there are <b>many</b> frustrations that deal <b>nothing </b>with my illness... <i>at least not completely. </i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My crippling fear of failure was here long before Lyme. I am afraid of fucking up, even in the slightest. I wear my pride on my sleeve, and if I try something and </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">completely</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> screw it up... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Ohhhh</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, it'd be a </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">loooonnnnnggg</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> time before I tried that shit again!!!! </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">That's why I'm afraid to commit... to anything!!!</span></b> <i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">People, hobbies, hair lengths!!!</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <b>I'm a mess and I've been a mess.</b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I'm crazy.</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> That is something that has been here all of my days!... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I mean, through recent years, situations, and circumstances, exacerbation may have occurred</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... But, I'm saying, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"nutty"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> is </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>"nutty" </i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">and I've been that way for some time.<span style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">I think of worst case scenarios </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(like, thee very worst... it's actually quite, mad, when you think about it</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">) <span style="font-size: large;">in </span></span><span style="font-size: large;"><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>EVERY</i></b> <i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">scenario.</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> A full on conversation will play out in my head </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(at least 5 takes) </span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">when I have some shit to say; but let that <i>actual</i> discussion go way off script... I'm <i>baffled</i> for at least 5-7 day... and ya ass <i>may not</i> hear from me for at least 10!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>I'm a wounded lil bird... always have been.</b></i></span> <i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(lol BIG s/o to CarCar!)</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> But seriously, the lot of my scars <i>stem</i> from my younger years. I was bullied so much that those words </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">STILL</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> shape my thinking today! It took me over </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>20 years</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to finally come to the realization that </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b style="font-style: italic;">I wasn't ugly. </b>For</span> <b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">20 YEARS</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, you couldn't </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">CONVINCE</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> me that I was anything more than</span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> </span></b><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Flavor Flav...</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">w/o the damn clock! </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">And it's 100% true!!!</span></i> <i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>I had NO self esteem!</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> It took me 2 decades to understand that boys didn't approach me because they thought I was ugly... they didn't approach me because I carried myself that way. Also, back then, I wore my heart on my sleeve<span style="font-size: large;">... </span></span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">***sidebar*** </span></b><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Quickest way to get it broken... But it was gonna take a million and one times for me to get hip to that jazz</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">...</span> <b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">any sadness I felt, it was gonna show. Whatever fear I felt, I kept it no secret. If you set out to hurt my feelings, my tears only served as ammunition.</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <i>Unfortunately, I learned early on, just how many people are willing to simply shit on a kind heart.</i> <b><i>So, I learned to harden it... To everyone! </i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><i>Now</i></b>, here, you have just a few examples of just how </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>to shits </b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I was before this </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Lyme Life"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">; where, in the </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">7 years </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">of it's unidentified state,</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> shit got <b><i>really</i></b> <i>real</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. This </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"lifestyle" </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">recreated my character in a way that was </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>unrecognizable</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. I began doing things I'd </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">NEVER</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> do, with people I'd never do them with. I said things I'd never say...loved things I used to hate. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I made a complete mockery of the ethics I held dear.</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I was gone.</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> In the beginning, it was just a </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">desperation for distraction</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">ANYTHING</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to get my mind off the unknown taking over. But, not too long after, my </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">desperation for distraction</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> turned into an </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">unquenchable</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>t</i></b></span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">hirst for relief</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. It seemed like I was in more pain with every flare up and no one knew why or how to fix it. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And it's only so many times I can be falsely accused of being a drug addict, when the mere act of asking for help, KNOWING WHAT YOU THINK OF ME, isn't already degrading enough, and NOT go postal!!!</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Oh, and depression's ass ain't far behind...</span></b></i> <i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Uh unh, she's the icing on the cake!</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">--</span><i> <b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Waking up pissed every morning because I'm still alive. No longer participating in life. No longer dreaming or being.</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I often wondered, and still do,</span> <b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Why do these people even love me?"</span></b> <span style="font-size: large;"> I'm</span> <b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: large;">Nothing. Worthless. Damaged as Fuck.</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span></i><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><br /></b></span></i>
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Why would anyone entertain such a being? </b></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And now, <i>we're here!</i> Past April 8t, and it's </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">eyeopening</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> revelation, and back to reality. -_- </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>To a place where shit's even harder than it was before... no bullshit.</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Where I'm still being called a drug addict... <span style="font-size: large;"><i>to my face</i></span>... </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">*whispers*</b> <i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">'cause if I didn't mention it before, we're dealing w/ one of if not the most controversial diseases in the nation!</span></i> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I</i></span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">'m here, </span></i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b style="font-style: italic;">again</b><i>, at a place, where it</i><b><u> PAINS ME,</u></b><i> to even <b>consider</b> smoking again </i><b style="font-style: italic;">SIMPLY </b></span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;">to alleviate my unabashed pleas for death, because the pain has rendered me despondent. </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have trouble verbalizing my thoughts now...</span> <i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Even remembering how to spell my own name...</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Or if I've even eaten or bathed!--</span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> I'm afraid</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... of everything. I'm afraid to trust ANYONE.</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i> I'm afraid to be loved... I'm afraid I don't know how to love at all.</i></b> <b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I feel guilty</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, every second of every day. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I know this isn't something I planned, </i><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">but it is something that only I have!</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I hate to see the people who love me... who </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">TRULY</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> love me,<i> </i></span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>struggle</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> because of me! </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">It's a feeling that tears me apart inside everyday.</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> There's no on and off switch for this shit. And it really sucks 'cause I've been <i><b>begging</b></i> God for one, for quite some time. </span><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I cannot help the way that I feel. </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">There are times when I can mask it and pretend shit doesn't suck.</span><i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> But to <b>not</b> have this constantly weighing, somewhere, in the corner of my mind, heart, soul, is asinine! </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Placing all those burdens aside isn't easy</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>not with all those constant reminders.</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I'm pulling through these trenches thee best I know how. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Because, keep in mind</span></i></b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-weight: bold;">, much like you, in this game called </span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;">"Life"... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>I</b></span><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large; font-weight: bold;">never got a demonstration!!!</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <i><u>No one knows my truth better than me. No one knows the strength it took to get to <b>this</b> point of<b> this </b>fight... not like me. What you know of my pain... What you know of my story, is only what I tell you!</u></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At this point in the game, I feel like<i> "I've been chewed up and spit out and booed off [life]!"</i> <b>So just fyi, while pointing out my <i>shortcomings</i> is indeed an <i>"eyeopener"</i>... PLEASE, whatever you do, acknowledge my resilience first! </b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b><span style="font-size: large;">SHIT.... I am </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">still</span><span style="font-size: large;"> here! </span></b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Courier New, Courier, monospace;"><b>Been on repeat for 2 weeks now!</b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOvZVIGb5P4">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOvZVIGb5P4</a></span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-76295285948970011332013-04-24T01:33:00.003-07:002013-04-24T01:33:16.415-07:00OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED!!!<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">For years, I thought the day I was diagnosed would </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">instantly </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">bring about tears. Tears of </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">joy, relief,</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>confirmation that I was, indeed, NOT a psycho!</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> This day came on </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Monday, April 8, 2013</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, during a 3 hour evaluation, at an appointment I showed up </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>late</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to, thanks to traffic </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(I called ahead though, of course. Mama ain't raise no ill mannered fool)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">.</span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">After going through my</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i> entire </i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">medical history, lifestyle, diet, past bullshit diagnoses </span><b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*cough, cough*</span></b> <i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(fibromyalgia)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, and a </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">full on</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> physical, with a fine-toothed comb, the conclusion was clear... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I have Late Stage Lyme Disease</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">FINALLY</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, after </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>7 years</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> of suffering, something </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>serious</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, I now knew what I was up against. And as freeing as that moment felt, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">there were no tears</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. Not from me or my mum, who has accompanied me to </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>every</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> appointment.-- Going in, neither of us thought we'd come out with a clear cut answer. Like the many previous specialty doc visits, we expected to go through the routine of giving the information, being examined, and sent for tons of lab work, then a follow-up appt. </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">But not this time!</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <b><span style="font-size: large;">They were no bullshit. </span></b>And sitting there an examining table, just a little before noon, I received the answer I was <b><span style="font-size: large;">DESPERATE</span></b> for... <i><b>and I wasn't ready. </b></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's taken me this long to</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> finally </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">reach out to you,</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> my people :)</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, because I'm still trying to grasp it. Not so much b/c of the diagnosis, itself. But because, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I think I'd honestly lost hope of ever solving the mystery a long time ago.</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> And hearing it from a doctor </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(the very white coat jacket wearing bastards I'd come to hate)</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> was <span style="font-size: large;">unreal</span> to me!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now, let's get into this disease, <i>WHICH</i>, might I add, comes with it's fair share of controversy. By definition, Lyme Disease is:</span><i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b> <span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">An inflammatory disease caused by a spirochete </span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;">(Borrelia burgdorferi)</span><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 13px;"> that is transmitted by ticks, usually characterized initially by a rash followed by flu-like symptoms including fever, joint pain, and headache. If left untreated, the disease can result in chronic arthritis and nerve and heart dysfunction.</span></b></span></i><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And in this </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">particular case</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">my case</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, it's been left </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">untreated </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">for </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">at least</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> 7 years now, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>thus,</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> giving it the </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">prefix,</i> <b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"Late Stage." </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And in Late Stage LD, the treatment is <i>far </i>from simple. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Because this infection has set up shop for quite some time now, there has to be some </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">heavy hitters</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> sent in to beat this thing. My central nervous system has been compromised, for some time now. And to quote my doc </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>"your central nervous system is basically fried." </b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Due to LD being a disease of the nervous system, the pain, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">to my understanding and </i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>my </i></b><b><i>own fucking experience</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, can be as severe as cancer pain or post surgical pain! <b><span style="font-size: large;">Unreal.</span></b> Oh, and while I'm throwing out some <i><b>"did ya know's,"</b></i> had this not been detected and treated properly,<i> it would have very well killed me.</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>At this very moment, I'm in the beginning stages of beating this things ass!!!!</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> But, of course, not w/o a price. Between the medication for pain, and vitamins to replenish what's been taken, and the injections twice a week, not to mention the brain spect scan, to see how much damage has already been done, this shit is </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">beyond</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> expensive. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Especially, when I've been out of work for a year and by doctor's orders, won't be able to even THINK of working for at least 9 months!!! </b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">guilt </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">from knowing just </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">how deep </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">into my parents' pockets, I am, </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">ALONE,<i> </i></b><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">is killing me!</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I have no way of financially contributing to the expenses of </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">MY </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">disease! </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>(unless I start turning tricks or something but with being on strict rest and with all these venereal diseases floating around nowadays, I just can't risk it!... Oh. Plus, it's illegal and ethically unsound</i> -_-<i>)</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. My diet is now a <i>gluten free, sugar free, caffeine free, high protein, low to <span style="font-size: large;">no</span> carb, Paleo Diet</i>... <b><span style="font-size: large;">AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT!!! </span></b>This, all before I can even<i><b> begin </b></i>the aggressive IV antibiotics for a good 4 to 8 weeks. And if all goes to plan, I should be up and running in about a year and a half.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Can you guys tell I'm completely and utterly overwhelmed yet???</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">No doubt, I am </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">beyond</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> relieved to know what's been ailing me for so long. It's just so many </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">unexpected</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">mixed emotions</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I'm facing now. </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"It hurts when it's alive, and it hurts even more when it's dying."</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> That is what my doc said to me about this disease. I have a long road ahead of me and forgive me but I'm not excited about the trip.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I do, however, have</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> BIG</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> plans to turn every drop of this rain into something </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">meaningful</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Whether I have to build my own or trespass onto someone else's, there <b>will be</b> a platform for me to put the word out on this rising epidemic.</span></i> <b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>Lyme Disease</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> symptoms, at it's later stage, are so similar to </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Multiple Sclerosis (MS)</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, many people are </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>misdiagnosed everyday.</i></b> <span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">Lyme Disease is <b>not</b> an easy catch! </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Especially, when you're part of the </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">20% </span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">who </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">DON'T </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">get the </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">bull's-eye rash</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. <span style="font-size: large;">OR</span> one of the many who don't even <i>recall </i>ever<i> </i>being bitten by a tick! <i>And it's even more difficult when the generalized testing, here on the east coast, is only 30% accurate.</i> In order to truly get down to the <i>nitty-gritty</i> of LD there's some serious digging that has to be done to even accurately confirm, that insurance companies are too cheap & most docs are too ignorant or <i><b>"too busy"</b></i> to go the extra mile. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I would not wish this hell on </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">ANYONE</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... not even the countless</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i> ass quacks</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> that sent me home with a death sentence, telling me,</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> it was all in my head.</i> <i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I want this unwanted experience to mean something.</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <i>I want to prevent this ever happening to another 16 year old.</i></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">What the devil meant for evil, God is allowing me to turn it around for good.</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I am so </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">overwhelmingly grateful</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> for the <i>love and support</i> shown to me over the years. Although, it sucks, I've learned so much about myself and what some people are truly capable of. <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">Compassion isn't everywhere,</span></b></i> <i>and that's a lesson I hated learning. </i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: x-large;">But, hear me, this: </b><i>Wha</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i>t I <b>have learned</b>, that will carry me through this chapter is,</i></span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> Despite this not being the story/testimony that I wanted, it is <b>PERFECT</b> for the lives I was sent to save, heal, and change. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I often asked God, </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Why me?! Why such a struggle?!" </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And every time, <b>without fail</b>, He'd reply, </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">"Because I am using you."</span> ...</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">His answer has manifested itself to me, today! <span style="font-size: large;">And I am ready for WAR!!!</span></span></i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">To learn more about Lyme Disease, early treatment and prevention, click this link: </span></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.aldf.com/lyme.shtml">http://www.aldf.com/lyme.shtml</a></div>
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Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-54128206894498976432013-03-25T22:08:00.000-07:002013-03-25T22:08:08.057-07:00Hell Week<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don't even know where to begin. This past week has been </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">soOoo</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> petty to me, it's ridiculous. Not even exaggerating, it was </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>literally</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> thee most </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>hellish</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> 7 days of my life!!!! <u><b><span style="font-size: large;">No bullshit.</span></b></u> Truly, <i>a nightmare come true.</i> The hurt, pain, and anguish was unlike <b>ANYTHING</b> I had ever felt in my life... and I wasn't ready.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I don't think I've ever felt so broken in my life before. I felt... </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">hopeless.</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> All this bullshit was happening right as I declared that I was getting my life back. I felt abandoned, by... well... </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">everyone, ESPECIALLY God!</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I couldn't, and kinda still can't, understand how all these things could transpire when I was working my ass off to do so well. And for the first time in a </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">LONG </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">time, </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I felt like a victim.</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Like, everything and anything was attacking me. <span style="font-size: large;"><b>JUST me!! </b></span><i>And for fucking what?!!!!</i> I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what I did to deserve any of what's been happening to absolutely NO avail. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The most asked and frustrating question right now is </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>"Why me?!"</b></span></i></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Seriously, wtf have I done that would ever warrant the fall of my spirit??? Why and how has this become my life?!</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Never would I ever in a million gazillion years think that things would look like this at damn near 24. And it's like, in every other blog entry, I'm singing the same gah damn, broken down, flat ass tune & I'm sick of it!!!! <i><span style="font-size: large;">It's not fair at all.</span></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Whatever is plaguing my body has</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> LITERALLY</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> ruined my life. Everything that I've done... Everything that I haven't done... and even the things I simply can't do, all revolve around my illness. Wholeheartedly, I feel it'd be soOo much easier... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>soooOo incredibly freeing</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, to give a name to the pain. A lot of the stress that comes with this "</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">lifestyle"</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> is from simply not knowing what I'm up against. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Last week sent a level of stress I didn't even know existed. All of a sudden, things became </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">too</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> heavy. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I could feel the broken pieces of my soul, weighing down the bottom of my heart.</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Not only was I going through week three of my, usually, 6 week flare-up, but it appeared the gates of hell burst wide open and I hadn't a </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">shield of faith</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to protect me. </span><i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My support system had fallen and only 2 remained standing. Medical bills continued to pour in </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">despite</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> my </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">complete </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">inability to pay. I was forced to go back to a hospital, I vowed </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><b>never</b></span> </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">to return to, </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">HOPING </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">that just this once, they would treat me instead of misjudging me. And in between the drama & confusion, I <span style="font-size: large;">wept</span> at the thought that this could just lead to the moment I decide to end it all!</span></i><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The guilt, hurt, and shame of 7 years had finally boiled to the surface.</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I thought I'd gone through it before but not one of my </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"breakdowns"</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> held a candle to what I was experiencing. The </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">only</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> prayer I could find in my heart to pray was, </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">"Lord, have mercy!"</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> And the only way I could verbalize my feelings was,</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> "I just want it to be over." </span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><i><b>I felt my mind follow my peace out the door, as Fear, waltzed in and made his happy ass all too comfortable. </b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Although the nature of the situation was <i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>beyond</b></span></i> my control, I blamed myself. Spending night after night wondering what I could have done to avoid these series of unfortunate events. <i><b>I needed God now more than ever but I wasn't sure if He even remembered I was still here, in the same spot</b></i>... entertaining the same bullshit... wiping away the same recycled tears. </span><br />
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<b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Thankfully</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, I made it through and am still here to even blog about it. But the fear and anxiety of going through another day, let alone week of this hell, </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">far</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> exceeds my gratitude. I am </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">petrified </span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">of finding what these last three weeks (of this flare up) have in store for me. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">This CAN'T be life... It can't be MY life!</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><b>Please pray for me... health & strength... </b></span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">...I'm just trying to make it through.</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU3qgPn3bGA">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wU3qgPn3bGA</a> </span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-13810931656626034912013-03-01T17:47:00.005-08:002013-03-01T17:47:54.667-08:00Chronically Guarded: My LEAST Favorite Trait<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Hey kids! Let's just jump right on into this, shall we??</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Now, if you follow my blog, you know good and gosh dern well I have</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> many</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> a problem. So much, in fact, that they get in the way of my own happiness. Last post, I told you how I'm starting to get brand new in my life and leave the past </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(things that I've done and have been done to me)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> right where the hell it needs to be... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>BEHIND ME!</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... And they are... it's just my present that's causing me <b>EXTREME</b> anxiety at the moment.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's no secret, to you readers... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>my people :)</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, that I have an issue w/ letting people in. Into my life, into my thoughts, into my feelings, my space, etc. I am </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>uber</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> guarded, w/ good reason. And I also don't like bringing others into the <b><span style="font-size: large;">insanity</span></b> that is my life. It's a <i>hot buttery mess</i>, as you know. And I'm pretty sure, <i><b>ain't nobody got time for dat!!!!</b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">With that being said... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(Oh, dear God, I can't believe I'm sharing this, but I GOTTA blog it out)</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... a new person has slipped through the cracks and has found their way to my heart. -_- And I am not amused lol I made sure to keep this thing </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(my heart)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> on</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> LOCK </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">for the rest of forever and the only ones that could have any type of access to it, were the ones already in it </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(you know, my family & friends, what have you)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. I understand that any other person who has found love would be over the moon w/ glee... and don't get me wrong, I am. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Every time I see his face!</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... It's just... I'm the author of such posts as <i>"Chronically Single"</i> parts I and II, <i>"Decisions, Decisions"</i>, <i>"How long is Temporary?" </i>(read them at your leisure)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Already, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">through absolutely no fault of his own</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, my illness concerns him. And I </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">t-totally </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">understand that, this shit would creep ME out if it wasn't happening to me. It's just, he hasn't even </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">SEEN</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> it at it's worse! And it scares me that he might. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">It is truly heartbreaking to see the look of concern and helplessness on the face of someone you care about... who clearly cares about you!</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Also, I've been <b>SUPER BURNED </b>so many gah damn times by people I love, it's not even the fuck funny. And I'm not just talking about guys that I've talked to or dated... <i><b><span style="font-size: large;">NO</span></b></i>... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>people that I fucking trusted</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. Family members and "friends" and people I didn't even fuck with! I've been back stabbed </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">TOO MANY </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">times to count and the wounds are still fresh as fuck. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I've forgiven but damn if I'll EVER forget.</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> And the anticipation of </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">POSSIBLY</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> going through that type of hurt again, <b><span style="font-size: large;">FROM ANYONE</span></b>, sucks too hard!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm a </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>Taurus</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and change <i><b>freaks me thee fuck out!!!!!</b></i> And the amount of change occurring right now is a tad overwhelming <i>(I couldn't possibly fill you in on all that's happening in my life)</i>. However, with this <i>particular</i> individual... this <i>particular</i> change, for the first time, <i>I feel it's worth the risk</i>. I don't see him ever misusing my trust or hurting me as much as I have been in the past. I just wish <b>w/ everything</b> that's within me that I wasn't chronically ill and not feel the need to <i>fiercely</i> protect him from it. <b>*shrugs* </b>I'm sure I'll let go...eventually ;)</span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-51969850755336817692013-02-12T14:20:00.000-08:002013-02-12T14:20:15.025-08:00I'm Actin' Brand New ;)<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Heyyy!!!!! </i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm back and better than ever before... </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Seriously.</b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As of late, I've been feeling </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>a lot</b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> better. Thanks to my </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>amazing</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> support system, I'm on my way to brighter days. I got new health insurance, a new medical team, new meds, and a brand new love.... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>ME!!!!!</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> The heavens have opened up and poured me out a </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">serious</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> blessing!!!!! And lemme tell you, I am <span style="font-size: large;"><b>BEYOND</b></span> grateful.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I always say that I've spent the past few years </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>"strength training"</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">OH MYLANTA</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, did I need it!!?! In no way, shape, or form was I ready for what life had to throw at me. And <b><i>BOY</i></b> did it test my character & my faith! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">bullshittiest</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> of the </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>bullshit</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> found a way to litter my path. Shit that didn't even </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>pertain</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to me, made it's way to </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">haunt</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> me! Sheer </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u>NONSENSE</u></span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> was all I could account for in my life and something <i><b>HAD</b></i> to be done!</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">... SoOoo, naturally I panicked and isolated myself from all things EVERYTHING until I could get this malarkey under control.</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <b><i>*shrugs*</i></b> ....<i>Judge me.</i></span><br />
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<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">BUT it worked!!!</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I was able to reevaluate my circumstance and take back what was rightfully mine... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>MY LIFE!!!!</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> In self reflection, meditation, and all that hippie shit, I found what </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">needed</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to change... and </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">surprise <b>SURPRISE,</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> it was me. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">-_-</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> The things that were happening and severely affecting me were things that</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">opened the door to. Now, of course, there were some things that were completely </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">beyond</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> my control, like my health... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">or lack thereof</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">.</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> lol </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But, rather, the people that had absolutely </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">no interest</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> in me, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>good or bad</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, but what they could </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">get</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> from me. Or the many ignorant ass opinions of others that I took to heart. </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'd come to realize, woe was me and all I could see was misery.</span></b></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I began to settle for things that just weren't for me.-- Due to my past and self inflected present, I convinced myself that I </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">DESERVED</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to be miserable... that I deserved less than the absolute best.<span style="font-size: large;"> I was all the way WRONG!!! </span>You see, as humans, we <i>crucify</i> ourselves <i>and</i> each other based on our <b><i>past </i></b>sins <i>(things we had done when we were <b>young</b> and <b>stupid</b> and <b>"privileged" little shits</b>)</i>. We condemn ourselves <i>daily</i> for things that can't be erased & subject ourselves to a life filled w/ regret and <i>"what if's"</i> that simply have <i><b>no</b></i> place in our psyche! </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">***GIVE UP ON WHAT <i>HAPPENED</i> AND START FOCUSING ON <i>WHAT'S HAPPENING</i>*** </span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I now know that</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <u>regret only hinders progress.</u></span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> And I've been a victim of </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"regret"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> for so long that I was blinded from the lessons I should have learned. But now I see clearly what I should have know all along: </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">If making the mistakes I made in the past was the only way to gain the wisdom I now attain, than BY GOLLY I think that's more than a fair muh fuckin' trade!!!</span></b></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm a brand new person b/c I'm no longer stressed by the stupid choices I made years ago. I understand that I am far from perfect and still have a ways to go. But I do know, for a fact, I possess a heart of <i><b>compassion </b></i>and one pleasing in the eyes of God. And if He is <b><i>always</i></b> willing and able to forgive and <i>literally </i>forget, <i>who the hell are we not to?!</i></span></div>
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxGd1NG4aRI">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxGd1NG4aRI</a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">FINALLY</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> at peace with who I am! And that's, </span><i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>a black, freckle faced, God-fearing, strong, potty-mouthed </b>(don't judge)<b>, silly, wounded, intelligent, loyal, blunt, artistic, introverted, compassionate, hopeful, newly humbled, faith-driven, loving, renewed and restored, American Woman!!!!! </b></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Fuck with me ;) HA!!!! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-55493166295141914362012-12-04T17:49:00.004-08:002012-12-04T17:49:30.497-08:00The Frustration Mounts<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As you probably already know, it's been a little over 6 years of me dealing w/ this madness. And I cannot say enough just how<b> incredibly tired</b> I am of this situation. I still have <b><i>NO</i></b> diagnosis whatsoever! And at this point, I'm over the topic completely. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">These days, if I'm not in the hospital, I'm at home. No where else... just home. Sadly, I barely make an attempt to go anywhere... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">anymore</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. It wasn't long ago that I would </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u>at least</u></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> leave the house for a just a few hours to be with my friends. But, now, I just cannot bring myself to come out of hiding and mingle w/ the rest of society. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>My soul is spent!</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I'm <b>constantly</b> in a funk and I don't think it's fair to subject anyone to that. <i>"Misery loves company."</i> Is not at all a phrase I live by. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The holidays are here and this will be the first Christmas, since I was 14, that I am unemployed. And being jobless means no money. Without money, it's damn near impossible for me to give gifts to the ones I love. Leaving me, <i><b>"holiday spiritless"</b></i>. Since I've come into adulthood, it's been easier for me to understand the true meaning of the holiday. Knowing that it's better to give than to receive. And for years, that's all I've really looked forward to... Seeing the look on my loved ones' faces when they<i> FINALLY</i> get to see what I got them. I don't get to have that experience this year & it sucks, <u><b>HARD</b></u>!!!</span><br />
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<i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Well, why don't you make them something or bake them some holiday treat?"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> You may ask. And to that, I will reply, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"Bitch, money is STILL a huge requirement for attaining supplies!" </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Like, when I say, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"I'm broke!"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> It is, in fact, the </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>biggest understatement of all time!</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> It is truly by the grace of God that I have a family who has supported me in every way that they could. Without them, I would truly be living in poverty. No joke.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm also at a place where I can no longer </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"fake the funk."</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I'm sick of pretending that I'm not miserable. I'm not in the mood to laugh anymore when all I really wanna do is cry. I believe that, outwardly, I'd been holding it together pretty damn well... so well, in fact, that some people don't even know that I'm sick at all... but after </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">YEARS</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> of dealing w/ the same shit everyday, I just can't anymore. </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This situation has chipped away at my spirit in a way that I cannot even BEGIN to explain.</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I don't feel like myself anymore... I can't stand who I've become. Like, there was literally a week where I would cry from the moment I woke up to the time I went back to sleep.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>This very long chapter of my life has turned itself into an entire series!!!</i></b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And there are people around me that, </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I feel</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, understand how frustrating this type of thing can be, but don't truly <b><i><span style="font-size: large;">get it</span></i></b>... and probably never will. It's a tough concept to grasp, a person being in severe pain everyday for years. A person, <i>literally</i>, not being able to make it out of bed after being awake for HOURS, because their body simply won't let them. I get how that is hard to relate to, especially, when you've <i>never</i> had just 1 day of that. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>But let me help you...</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Imagine</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, if you will, roughly </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">2,190 days</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> of physical torture. About </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">313 weeks </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">of wishing that your body would just go numb. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">52,594.9 HOURS</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> of feeling like you're being stabbed in your arms, and legs... Your stomach and chest... Your back and neck... Your head and shoulders, only for it to be relieved by losing consciousness or uncontrolled vomiting. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>72 months</b></span><b> <i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">(</span></i><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">that's equivalent to 8 consecutive full-term pregnancies) </span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">of not knowing what the hell is happening to your own body. But rather, paying professionals money,</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> you DON'T have</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, to tell you that </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">"it's all in your head" </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">(which everyone knows is nice for,</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> "you're fucking crazy"</span></i><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. Losing damn near </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">every</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> job you've ever had in those 6 years, </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">not</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> b/c of your </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"work ethic" </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">but b/c some days, you simply can't make it in. Having people tell you</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> to your face </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">that they feel sorry for you. Being awoken out of a dead sleep due to pain... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">that is, if you were ever able to fall asleep at night in the first place.</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Seeking help from emergency room doctors only for them to accuse you of being a drug addict, working the system for a fix. Sitting in a hospital bed & getting stuck 10 times as some tech tries to place an I.V. Try eating something and 5 minutes later getting so sick to your stomach that you being to </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>worship </b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">the porcelain seat in front of you. Or, being high as fuck on prescription meds &</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> still </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">being in agonizing pain. Going out w/ friends and having to sit through snide ass comments about how much </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"better"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> you must be feeling, when all you really wanted to do was</span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> <u>live your life!</u></span></b></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This is my truth... This has been my experience. I'm not </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">all of a sudden </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">in a crappy mood... I'm suddenly acknowledging that fact that </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm not okay! </span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">That I've moved </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">beyond</b> <i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"frustrated"</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> 4 years ago and I'm </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">sick</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> of playing pretend. I'm sick of this having power over me. </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I don't deserve any of this! And I kinda just wanna hide until it's over because I'm completely done hiding my emotional scares due to my physical pain. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And if you can't deal with that, don't you dare expect me to deal with you.</span></i></b>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-39205061530724104042012-11-05T10:19:00.002-08:002012-11-05T10:19:28.729-08:00My Burning Desire<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I've reached my limit.</span> I've <span style="font-size: large;">NEVER</span> cried so much in my life.<b> </b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>Never felt so dismissed and misunderstood in all my years. </b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I believe that</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b> "compassion" </b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">is a </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">required</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> human trait. But it seems, not everyone would agree. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I've been pained to my soul! </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Not only am I dealing w/ this illness, but I'm dealing w/ some very opinionated individuals. People that have too much to say about my situation. And I honestly don't mind it at all...<span style="font-size: large;"> <b><u>IF</u></b> </span>it were coming from a place of </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>understanding</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">empathy</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. <span style="font-size: large;">I don't require nor desire pity... I'm not about that life.</span> However, if you have something to say about what I'm going through, <b><u><span style="font-size: large;">PLEASE</span></u></b> take the time out to simply see things from my point of view! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;"><i>And, if, by chance, you're having a hard time imagining it, allow me to paint this muh fuckin' picture for you...</i></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I am PISSED!!! </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have been dealing w/ this for my </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>entire</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> adult life. And at 23 years old, </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">STILL</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> not knowing what the FUCK I have, I've begun to face my own mortality. Getting out of bed is a </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">STRUGGLE.</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Waking up in the morning and/or afternoon </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">(depending on what time I actually am able to fall asleep... usually around 3 am, sometimes 4 or 5)</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> is </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">exhausting.</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Usually, the only time I am </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">pain free</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> is when I'm asleep... and that doesn't happen much. I'm </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>constantly</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> in a fog. My memory has gone to shit. I'm weak </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">ALL</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> the time. I'm depressed. I'm concerned... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">I'm fucking petrified! </span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've set aside my dreams and happiness in an attempt to protect the ones I love. I don't want to add any other people to my life in order to protect them from all this bullshit.</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b> I don't wanna bring any unnecessary pain to anyone else.</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I'm fighting w/ </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">everything </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">that's within in me not to fall in like or love. I don't wanna ruin some poor guys life. I really don't! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm angry at God for giving me a gift that, at the moment, I feel I can't use. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><b>All I want in the world is to act!!!!</b> </span></i><u style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">That's my passion. That's my LOVE!!! It's my life. </u><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, how dare this be the only thing I feel I can do, and do </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">WELL</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and not have the energy or the memory to fucking do it?! </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I just wanna perform. </span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's my dream that I honestly don't see it becoming a reality.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm dependent on people I don't want to depend on. I'm a </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u>fiercely </u></span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">independent person and it feels like the worlds <span style="font-size: large;">biggest</span> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>bitch slap</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> that I can't live as such. I have NO control over my life. And that shit <b>SUCKS </b>something serious.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And every time, </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">EVERY TIME</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I try to take back my life and say,</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> "Fuck this shit. I'm fitna live!" </span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Life </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">mollywhops</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> my ass back to this very</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> harsh</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> reality. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I feel like I'm losing and that sucks, especially when I know I'm a winner. </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Understand that right before all this happened, I'd finally come into my own. I was in a place of </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">sheer contentment.</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> And that all went <span style="font-size: large;">straight </span>to hell the moment my JAW starting paining me.... <b><span style="font-size: large;">YES</span></b>... my mother fucking JAW!!!! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So, please excuse me if you know what I </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">USED </b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">to be capable of and require more from me... </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">I TOO REQUIRE MORE OF ME!!!!</span></b> <span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">But, dammit, it's hard!!!!! </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am emotionally </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">spent</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and it ain't gon' be too many more times I'm gonna get knocked on my ass and get up like, life didn't just do the </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; font-size: large;">A-Town Stomp</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> all up and down my little bit of feelings. </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">I'm DRAINED!!! </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Seriously, BROKEN. </span></i></b><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And all I ask from those around me... My BURNING DESIRE, is that before you give me completely </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">unsolicited</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> advice, just take a moment to place your feet in my shoes. And what would be </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">REALLY </span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">nice is if you could just give me credit for simply weathering this 6 year storm. </span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>... The more you know.</b></span></i>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-75188013367847892822012-10-15T14:59:00.003-07:002012-10-15T14:59:38.325-07:0025 Things that Make Me... ME!!!<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">SoooOo, I've been reviewing my stats and <i>apparently</i>, you all really enjoy my more "<i>lighthearted</i>" post... and DAMMIT, I like to write 'em!!! Therefore, in this particular entry, I thought I'd let you guys in on some </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>"Fun Facts"</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> about <b>ME</b>!!!!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But, before I do, I wanna make something </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">VERY</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> clear. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>*Ahem*</b></i> <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>I do NOT do this blog in an attempt to collect pity.</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I understand that certain aspects of my life may cause some of my readers to "feel for [me]'' but </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">chill </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">w/ that! We all have problems and pain and struggle. This just so happens to be something I have to deal w/ because... well... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>I can.</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> God will </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">never </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">allow anything to happen in some one's life that they couldn't handle. Hearing someone say those words to me is </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>insulting</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. To me, you've basically already accepted my defeat. And I don't need that kind of energy around me!-- I am dedicated to this blog b/c I know I'm not the only one. I know how relieving it is to find that there's<i> someone</i>,<i> somewhere</i>, feeling the exact same way I do. And sometimes, the best way to get through hard times, is to know, you're not alone. <span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>PLUS</i></b></span>, I really just want to be understood. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>That's all!!!</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> So, don't cry for me, Argentina. <i><b>*</b>pats chest confidently<b>*</b></i> <span style="font-size: x-large;">I GOT THIS!!!!!</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Anywho, let's get back to the original topic at hand... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>25 Truths about your girl:</b></i></span><br />
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<ol>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUufuHaU6smZXrcZGUG2HK3OVVXVE5u4C5YvtEXJBY_O2JRWYlNHaMuN1pe5z4k3IA-boYT4ExJNnl3HaN7ZFu98IC7LxCIcEV8JRkgYNaOkkq_94FpVPPguj-RsRg4UN26FpwT1gbqII/s1600/me+me.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUufuHaU6smZXrcZGUG2HK3OVVXVE5u4C5YvtEXJBY_O2JRWYlNHaMuN1pe5z4k3IA-boYT4ExJNnl3HaN7ZFu98IC7LxCIcEV8JRkgYNaOkkq_94FpVPPguj-RsRg4UN26FpwT1gbqII/s320/me+me.jpg" width="203" /></a>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">love</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> me some Him!!! In all my ways, He keeps me!!! I will forever been </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>MADLY</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> in love w/ the Creator of the Universe. Keep your theories, I know The Truth.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I hate bananas. That will <b>NEVER</b> change.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I have a thousand and one nicknames. None of which has any relation to the other. And I answer to every one as if given to me at birth.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I <b>HATE</b> my lil infantile ass speaking voice and <b>RARELY</b> use it. Like, my bestie JUST found out about my secret shame.</span></li>
<li><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>True Life:</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I have a bit of a potty mouth.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>"What I don't know can't hurt me." </i><--- <b>FALSE</b>... Herpes.-- I've always thought that statement/mindset was a terrible excuse to remain ignorant.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Children are scary. Don't get me wrong, a lot of them are cute and all, but that's where the appeal begins and ends, for me. I used to be a fan, but I'm finding, they just don't make 'em like they used to no mo'.</span></li>
<li><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I LOVE to act!!!!</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Even more than writing. I wake up every morning thinking about it & go to sleep every night craving it. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to perform in FOREVER and I truly miss it more than anything!!!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm extremely protective of my family. There are people that have been in my life for YEARS that have JUST found out, I'm not an only child. No one can talk about my family BUT me. No one meets my family unless I deem you worthy.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I lie, pretty much, everyday. For instance, <i>"How are you feeling?"</i> Me: <i>"Well"</i>...<i> Are you okay?"</i> Me: <i>"Yep"</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">When I love someone, I love them for life.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The longest relationship I've had, has been w/ my 7 year old dog.<i><b> *shrugs*</b></i> Judge me. </span></li>
<li><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Two words that best describe me:</b> "<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Forever Inappropriate"</span></i></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I do see color... I just don't care.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Chapped lips are the most uncomfortable thing in the WORLD!!!!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The best insults are the one's that make no sense. For example,<i> "Whatever! That's why ya mama got 'cradle cap' ya foggy, glass eye-wearing, bitch!"... </i>Now, tell me that ain't funny.</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i> </i> </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Stray cats creep me the FUCK out!!!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My middle name used to be<i> EMBARRASSING</i> but now, I adore it! From the moment I was born, 'til the day I die, I will FOREVER be a</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <i><b>P</b>retty <b>Y</b>oung <b>T</b>hing!!!</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have a history of going through some very intense phases that make about as much sense as smelling the color 9. (see previous entry </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>"Does that make me Crazy??"</b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">) </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I don't find myself funny or attractive.-- That's not me fishing for compliments, it's just fact #20.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">And w/ that being said, I do NOT do well w/ compliments. Prolly cuz I'm not a fan of attention.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I can only have </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"girl talk"</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> for about 20 mins at a time w/o my eyes glazing over. Talking exclusively about boys and feelings and dream weddings is not my idea of a good time. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Seriously, I'm very rarely serious... Just can't risk the frown lines. lol</span></li>
<li><u style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have the greatest support system in the world!</u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">-- Fuck w/ them & I will not hesitate to personally welcome your ass to hell.</span></li>
<li><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I'm a Taurus, through and through.</span></i></b></li>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
...The more you know ;)</span><ol>
</ol>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-86878763428902962162012-09-25T12:23:00.000-07:002012-09-25T12:23:25.152-07:00My Greatest Wish<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i><u>Ughhh!!!! </u></i></b></span><div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So, the month of September has </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">NOT</b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> been my friend. I don't know what it was about these past few weeks but they were </span><i><u><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>merciless</b></span></u></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">!!!</span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"> Truly.</span></i></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I'd go into detail and tell you how many trips I've made to the hospital but I kinda lost track. And <i>usually</i>, I'm not as befuddled by how often I'm under the weather, however, this shit took the cake!!!</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>Infection after infection. Injury after injury. IV after IV. Doctor after doctor. Drug after mother-fucking drug!-- My lil ass is SPENT!!!!<b> </b></i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I've grown a bit bitter in the last 25 days. And have formed a hatred for Dr.'s that I never thought possible. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Like, I seriously hate them!!!!</i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">-- I know they're just trying to help, but at this point, </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!!</b></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> They're seriously gonna drive me to drink! And because of my </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"condition"</i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I don't see just one doctor... I see a bunch. From all sorts of departments and specialties... ALL w/ different theories and treatments. </span><i><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">Good Golly!!! </span></b></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Just the thought of the sanitary-smellin' bastards, pisses me off.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">*** Special Shout Out to the docs still on the case... You're doing great!!!***</span></b></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">LOL</span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Seriously though, I feel this journey is no longer changing me for the better.-- </span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>I'm evil!!!</i></span></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">-- I feel so sorry for my family and friends. They've been so supportive and <u>BEYOND</u> amazing... It's just, I'm so <b>OVER</b> myself in <i><b>EVERY</b></i> way, I take my frustrations and woes out on them. And I'm aware of my attitude and sheer lack of positivity, I just can't help it! I've turned hostile, being captive to my own debilitating body for 6 years!!! <i>Honestly, who wouldn't go mad?!!</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>My desperation is palpable.</b></span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I have NO money. Too much debt. Can't work or take up a hobby. No man<i> (which, I'm not necessarily crushed about BUT I do like to feel wanted. *shrugs* Judge me)</i>. No hope! Just a bunch of pain and a lot of bumps and bruises (<i>I fall... a lot)</i>.</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I don't feel like </span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">ME</span></i></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> anymore!!!! The constant discontent is </span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">overwhelming</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. And I often find myself questioning why people even love me... or wanna be around me, no less. <--</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">That's a a terrible thought to have.</span></i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> But my mind<i> takes</i> me there. I feel so helpless and worthless. <i>Why would anyone want me around when I literally have NOTHING to offer??</i> I'm pushing people away, thinking they're better off without this chocolate-speckled lump of liability.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i>My life has turned into a Royal Mess!!!! My Great Depression, that seemingly has NO END.</i></span></div>
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<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">All's I wanted for </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">YEARS</b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> was answers to my condition.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> A diagnosis.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">-- </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Now</b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, I cry, uncontrollably, begging and wishing and HOPING this will all just go away!!! I don't wanna be sick anymore. I don't wanna wake up every day wishing I hadn't. I don't wanna be a hazard to myself. I wanna be free. I wanna be me.-- </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">My Greatest Wish is to have <b>MY</b> life back!!!! </span></i></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>"All this hurts so bad, I can hardly breathe. I just wanna leave! God, please hear my call. I am afraid for me. [Life] has burned me raw. I NEED Your healing... Please!"</i> <i>-Jill Scott</i></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtapoGukzCA">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtapoGukzCA</a></span></div>
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Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-58566062353980768012012-08-08T23:44:00.003-07:002013-05-28T01:33:01.582-07:00Confessions of the Created <span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;"><i><b>I'm tired. </b></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Every part of me is over </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">EVERYTHING!!!</b> <i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">If it ain't one thing, than it's another and yet another and, just maybe, one more, all after that.</i> <b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><u><span style="font-size: large;">I am spent!!!</span></u></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Idk how many times I can reach my </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">breaking point </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">and still smile. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Hurt after hurt. After pain after pain. Day after day. Week after week. Month after month. Year after YEAR. </b></span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i>Can you imagine?!? </i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Suffering for 6 years!!! Each year, </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>BEGGING</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> that the next not be like the first. And it never is... b/c with each month that soon turns into another year, it get's worse. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">When would you give up??</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>On what day would you scream <span style="font-size: large; font-weight: bold;">"Enough is ENOUGH!"</span><b>?</b> Honestly, how long until you truly could not stand another second in misery?</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My life has not been my own since the moment this all began. It was </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">arson,</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> the way this disease rapidly set fire to every plan, goal, and dream I'd ever set. I watched them go up in flames and turn to dust. </span><u style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">My heart broke!</u><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Not only was I given something I didn't want, but I had to live w/ it for the rest of my life, with absolutely no hope of losing it. And on days, like today, where the symptoms of my curse are </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">IMPOSSIBLE</b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> to ignore, I cannot fathom living another. </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">My soul has been poached.</span></i> <i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Shattered, run over, chewed up and spit out. <b><span style="font-size: large;">DAMAGED</span> beyond repair! </b></span></i><br />
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<i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Do you know how hard it is to act as if everything is okay when you can't even trust your body to make it through the day?!</i><span style="font-size: large;"> <i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I've been betrayed, by my own vessel.</span></b></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Slowly losing control over functions I began developing at birth... </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><--- THAT'S that bullshit!!!</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> There is literally a <i>civil war </i>going on inside of me, with which, either side has <i>YET</i> to call a <i>"cease fire." </i>While, outside, I'm forced to put on a brave face and believe that God has better days in store.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">How can I be expected to treat my body as a Temple when it habitually treats me like a trespasser? </span></i></b><br />
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span></i>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">This <b>thing</b> has plagued me w/ a series of unfortunate events. Taken me to places, I'd vowed, <b><u><span style="font-size: large;">NEVER</span></u></b> to go. Mocked my hopes. Submerged me in sorrow. Made a playground of my spirit and <b>littered</b> my soul. It took the strength out of me. Poured salt onto the open wound of my pride. Snagged my peace. Confiscated my happiness. Changed my name to <b>Desperation</b> and made <b>Relief </b>my </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">ONLY</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> goal. Broke me into <u>pieces</u> and buried me six feet under the earth's lowest valley. </span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And in the moments I manage to convince myself, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>"</i></b></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>I can only go up from here</i></span><b style="font-style: italic;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">"</span></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, I sink <b>deeper</b> into this hell. Coming to the realization that <i>my good days are equivalent to your bad. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I used to pray </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">every</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> night that God would use me for his perfect will... </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">***Be Careful What You Pray For***</span></b> <i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">It's not by my own power or strength that I'm still here, but the God in me!</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <i>Whenever you see me, understand that that's</i></span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> Grace</span></i></b><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, walking.</i> <i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The next time you converse w/ me, understand you're being ministered to by a </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Miracle</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">.</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>pleaded </b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">with the God of the universe to shine his light through me... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>Can you see it?</b></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">This storm will soon give birth to my testimony!</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">...</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> Can you feel it?</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... Like, Job, my servitude has been challenged </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>(Job 1:8-12)</b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. But neither I nor the enemy considered how </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">perfect</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> God's strength would prove in my weakness </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)</i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. And much like the woman with the blood issue; even though I'm </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">exhausted</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">broke</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, and </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">ashamed</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>I still have faith.</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <i>Not in myself but in <b><span style="font-size: large;">Him</span></b>. And Faith will propel me to my healing <b>(Mark 5:25-34). </b></i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b><i><span style="font-size: x-large;">I'm beyond tired... </span><span style="font-size: x-large;">Spent in every way!</span></i></b></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i><u>But</u></i></b></span> <i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">now that you know my story, look closely at the sands of the last six years of my life... And tell me... </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">How many sets of footprints do you see??</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">... Don't worry, I'll wait... ;)</span></i><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGF8mHGaznFaz4h6EeN9AuQxmS4RzJnyPI5j6FuEcadM8dJxbw_Ov9WQNIh9ZiiV1owi6310sz5QDsmn6R8deTxNeCyRDVLwrM2joLNXWXesql7-tbizgB4JI1lMGNel4UyK36Is1r8iE/s1600/footprints-art.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="257" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGF8mHGaznFaz4h6EeN9AuQxmS4RzJnyPI5j6FuEcadM8dJxbw_Ov9WQNIh9ZiiV1owi6310sz5QDsmn6R8deTxNeCyRDVLwrM2joLNXWXesql7-tbizgB4JI1lMGNel4UyK36Is1r8iE/s320/footprints-art.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html">http://www.amandashome.com/footprints.html</a></span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-76295868445153312622012-08-02T17:32:00.004-07:002012-08-02T17:33:25.709-07:00Chronically Single, Part Deuce ;)<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">It's been almost a year since we've last touched on my seemingly, irreversible <i>"single status"</i> and how I really didn't mind it, at all! <b><span style="font-size: large;">Well.</span></b>.. things changed... and then they went right back to being the same. Like,<i> God's own auto-correct on my life.</i> <b><span style="font-size: large;">lol</span></b> And, in the time between<i> potential ex-boyfriends</i> and <i>actual exes</i>,<b><span style="font-size: large;"> I learned a lot! </span></b>Such as:</span><br />
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<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i>the fact that I'm capable of loving and being loved despite my situation</i></b></span></li>
<li><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i>relationships are NEVER 50/50; sometimes it's beneficial and other times, a real pain in the ass!</i></span></b></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i>trust is key</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i>lies are useless</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i>your partner is a DIRECT reflection of YOUR decision-making skills</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i>be true to who and what you are from jump street (a lesson I've had to find out the hard way)</i></b></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><b><i>'tis truly "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" its an incredible feeling that I can't believe I slept on for so long... like, everyone should try it at least once. </i></b></span></li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">But, enough of that sappy<i> "lesson learned, my heart will go on"<b> </b></i><b>bullshit!</b> Let's dive into why I've found myself, here, <i>again</i> & t-totally OK w/ it!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Being somebody's "boo" is a full-time job and</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i> NOT</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> for the faint of heart! You're constantly worried about the likes and dislikes of someone else, </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">meanwhile</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u>stifling</u></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> your own.-- With the one kid I was spending time w/, it was</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> ALL</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> about </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">appearances</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Clearly,</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> a match made in hell, cuz I could give a good God DAMN about the approval of others. <i><span style="font-size: x-large;">Shiiiiiiiddd</span></i>... Only person I have to impress is you & <i>sabes que?</i> I had yo ass at<i><b> "</b></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><b>hello</b></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><b>"</b>,</i> sooOoo.... squeeze me.</span></div>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The assumptions are the best!!! Judging a book by it's cover is the quickest way to missing out on something,</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> pleasantly unexpected</span></i></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. I can't tell you how many times I've been told how<i><b> "surprising"</b></i> I am. I'm not 15 years old. I'm not a bitch. I'm not a saint. I enjoy nice things, but I'm not pressed by 'em. I have a bit of a potty mouth. Aaaannnddd, believe it or not <i>(btw I find it endlessly hilarious that ppl actually DON'T)</i>, I do like black guys... <b><span style="font-size: large;">I'm black! </span></b>Just because I respond to your <i>go-to pick up line </i>of <i><b>"Hey. How you doin'?"</b></i> w/ a <i>bougie</i> <i><b>"I'm well. And yourself?" </b></i>Don't <i>automatically</i> assume I'm strictly down w/ the swirl. <i><span style="font-size: large;">For fuck sake, that's just the way I speak!</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">And </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"><i><b>God bless</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> the countless fuckers who mistook my kindness for weakness, </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">forgetting</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, all the while, the </span><u style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>"nigga"</i></u><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> inside.</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"> LOL</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I can be all the </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">lil white girl </i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">you want me to be, </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;">but</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> fuck me over more times than I'm willing to allow, and I won't even </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">BOTHER</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> taking off my earrings. Also, not a huge fan of liars.</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> However</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>to me</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, there's a </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><b>particularly</b></i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> special spot in hell for those that lie and are</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"> BAD</span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> at it. Taking the time out to</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> fib</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> is bad, in and of itself. But</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> LYING </span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">and not even putting forth the proper amount of energy to maintain, said lie, is <u><span style="font-size: large;">TOTAL DISRESPECT</span></u>. <i>And a nigga ain't havin' it.</i> *teehee*</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm working w/ a lot in my life and</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> sometimes</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">, being unattached is the very best thing for me. I am well aware of the fact that my mouth may very well </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>NEVER</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> be ready to entertain the likes any man.</span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"> I speaks the truth</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and am under no circumstance do I</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> sugar coat</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">.<span style="font-size: large;"> Psh.</span>.. I ain't</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i> Mary Poppins!</i></span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> <span style="font-size: large; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">You better take this blunt lil black girl, as is.</span> I'm not gonna fake amusement or pleasure for any guy. <i>Otherwise, how will dude know when he's really got me?!</i></span></div>
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<b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Finally!</span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> A list of </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><u>extreme</u></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> deal breakers if ever you find yourself in between my chronically flaring </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">independence.</span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">..</span></div>
<div>
</div>
<div>
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Turn all the way Off's</i></span></b></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>Humorless jokes.</b> Either be funny or quit wasting our time trying. "If I don't feel it, I ain't fakin'. No, no."</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>Bad breath.</b> Take the extra 5 seconds to brush your tongue!</i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>Bad manners</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>Overly emotional lady men</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>bitchassness</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>bullshit</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>egomaniacs</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>douche lords</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>gentlemen eager to "wife" my lil ass off the very 1st date</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>legit trying to lotus flower bomb poetry slam my ass into talking to you via ANY social media network</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>irresponsibility </b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>self loathing</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>meanies</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>judgmental ass plugs</b></i></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: x-small;"><i><b>gingers</b></i></span></li>
</ul>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Just kidding about the last one...</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> kinda.</i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> Last time, my commitaphobic ways were strictly due to </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">commitaphobia</span></b></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">. </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;"><i>Now,</i></span></b><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> I just know what I will and won't deal with. And if you don't like it, </span><i><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>suck on these lil chinese nuts</b></span></span></i><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"> and <span style="font-size: large;">keep it movin'</span> cuz I ain't want ya lame ass anyway!!!</span></div>
</div>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-74463281677299379022012-06-18T13:21:00.003-07:002012-06-18T13:21:51.400-07:00Understand, I have NO Control<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and update you on my life.<span style="font-size: large;"><i> Now</i></span>, I've had some </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><b>incredible</b></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> experiences lately that have, unfortunately, been overcome by </span><u style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>endless</b></u><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> amounts of frustration. I've never been so </span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: large;"><b>over</b></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> a situation in all my life! And it sucks b/c it </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>is</b></span></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> my life!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">As a christian, I understand that suffering is a gift... but damn if I ain't spent 6 years searching for the receipt!!! As I've said before, this disease has dictated my every breath. My life is consumed by something I </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">literally</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> have<b> no</b> control over. <span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>Now</b></i></span>, I understand that nothing grows without a lil rain, but I've </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><b>never</b></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> heard of roses blooming through a flood, either!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>I'm tired.</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Although, completely out of my control, I continuously feel like a failure. And I </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>hate</i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> to admit it, but I've pretty much given up on myself. </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I'm just waiting for this thing to win.</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> For every step forward,</span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> I swear</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, I'm knocked 5 steps back. And I don't think I've ever </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">truly </span></b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">confessed just how much this </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">"lifestyle"</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> <b><span style="font-size: large;">KILLS ME!!!</span></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><u><span style="font-size: large;">I have no life.</span></u></b> My mind is constantly clogged w/ thoughts of: </span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>how I'm gonna get through the day... </b></span></i></li>
<li><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>Or, how bad is the pain going to be today??... </b></span></i></li>
<li><i style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Whether or not it's going to rain, cuz if it does, I'm</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> FUCKED</span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">... </span></b></i></li>
<li><i style="background-color: white; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">AND how</span> difficult<span style="font-size: x-small;"> it is to make new friends or meet new ppl b/c I'm so focused on hiding what's going on, that I inadvertently stifle the real me!!!</span></b></i></li>
</ul>
<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">It hurts!!!</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> And I </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>wish</b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> only physically. I'm guarded and scared. I'm afraid to even try new things b/c in the past, my condition would get in the way and </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">squash</i> <b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">EVERY</b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> goal I'd ever made. My body </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">continues</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> to betray me and it </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b><u>sucks</u></b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> because my biggest wish & hope for this life, is to be </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><i><b>FREE</b></i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Idk... I think that I'm putting out this particular post b/c I want ppl to know (</span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">especially the ppl that DON'T know</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">) that I'm not a </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">flake</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> or a </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">bore</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. Nor, do I see all the </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>"good" </b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">and </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>"interesting"</i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> things in me that others do. I want it to be known that </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">nobody</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> in this world understands better than me that </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>"shit happens"</i></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. And finally, all I want from <b>ANYBODY</b> who enters my life is <b>loyalty </b>and <b>encouragement.</b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry_ILomQk6Q">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ry_ILomQk6Q</a></span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-51461568747140632522012-06-03T13:37:00.002-07:002012-06-03T13:37:52.858-07:00"Appreciating My Art"... from the archives of my journal<br />
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Here, CHOKING on the dissatsfaction that is, my life; I'm nearly BLINDED by the overwhelmingly superfluous events that came together to create it. A DAUNTING collage of failures and missed attempts, lay atop the blueprint of my destiny. BOMBARDED by all I'd done wrong and completely set apart from my dream; I felt given no other choice but to stand watch as my<em> helplessness</em> RAPIDLY transformed to <em>hopelessness</em>. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
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<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">DOOMED, awaiting my now unchangeable fate, I'm UNKNOWINGLY quenched by drops of<em> Love</em>. Adorned along my trail of pain, lie tiny gems of BEAUTY.... Trinkets of peace, to get me through what lay in wait.</span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Being focused solely on all that felt wrong, made it<span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;"> impossible</span> to catch all that was SO RIGHT! Counteracting the grudge the Universe seemed to have against me, was the favor of many. Murphy's Law had me, yet, God's will <span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>saved me</strong>!</span></span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">It was NOW, that I realized there was much more going on for me, than against me. The number of wounds that plagued me had NOTHING on the <span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;">endless</span> amount of stitches sent to <em>heal me</em>. </span></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">For every valley, there is a peak.... For every death, there's life.... For every ending, there, waits a new beginning... And for every tear shed, a burden is lifted!</span></strong></em></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<div style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-size: 11px; line-height: 16px; text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I now know, that in order to interpret <em>YOUR </em><span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;"><strong>authentic self</strong></span>, you must dive, <strong>boldly</strong>, into <strong><span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;">YOUR</span></strong> life's montage... For there, in lies the <em>fine print</em>. Simply Stated and Easily Translated: <em><strong>"Trouble can't last always."</strong></em> A <span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;">PROMISE</span>, potent enough to reawaken your once lifeless optimism. AND, in accepting this<strong>truth</strong>, we are FREED from the <em>illogically, hypothetical thoughts</em> that kept us BOUND and BLINDED by the <strong><span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;">true beauty</span> </strong>of our<span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;"><em> Cluttered Canvases</em></span>.....<strong> Better known as:</strong> <span class="fbUnderline" style="text-decoration: underline;"><em>An Indescribable Masterpiece!</em></span></span></div>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-2997908444639160352012-03-01T21:13:00.000-08:002012-03-01T21:13:01.437-08:00How long is "Temporary"?<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I cried today. I didn't know how much I'd been holding in until I couldn't possibly hold it in any longer. <span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>(follow me closely on this one, for even I don't know where it's going.)</i></span> I hadn't taken the time out to acknowledge that I actually have something to cry about.</span><br />
<div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Today, I was watching a </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Grey's Anatomy</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> rerun and in it, a young girl w/ a severe disability was explaining something to her mom. She said, <i>"Death isn't the worst thing."</i> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b>And. I. Wept. </b></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Somehow, those 5 words expressed </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><u><span style="font-size: large;">EVERYTHING</span></u></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> my heart had been feeling. Although a fictional character, she spoke of a real life truth... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">my</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> truth! And a truth of so many other people around this world who are broken by situations that cannot be suppressed. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i><u>I'm tired!</u></i></b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I woke up this afternoon, </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>wishing</b></span></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, I could just sleep the day away. Because it seems the only time I can't feel pain or discomfort is when I'm asleep. When I woke up at 1:30 this afternoon, my first thought... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">my very first thought</span> </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">of the day was that,</span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> I wish I hadn't</span></b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. I didn't want to be awake b/c for me, being alert... being awake means, feeling. And those <i>"feelings"</i> are </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b><i>never </i></b></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">good. Having slept for over 12 hours, the moment I opened my eyes, I was <i><b>already</b></i> exhausted.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span></div><div><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Today was a day that I couldn't "</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">fake the funk"</span></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">. Today was just one of those days that I had to dust off my pity-party-hat, put it on and do nothing else but </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">cry</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">... the only way I could see getting through this very painful day was to cry and ask... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: x-large;"><b><i>"Why?!"</i></b></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Up until this thing took over my life, I played by all the rules.</span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b> I was a straight-laced, happy girl w/ her whole life ahead of her.</b></span></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> And now, I can't even open a bottle of water w/o help. Or comb my own hair w/o feeling drained.</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I've only gotten worse since I left my job to </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">"take it easy"</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> lol </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">I'm losing my faith. </span></b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I was promised it wouldn't always be this way, but the only changes that have come have been negative. I'm so tired of lying to myself w/ thoughts of, </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>"Tomorrow's a new day. Thing's will get better."</b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I'm</span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i> done</i></span></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> defending myself against people who just don't understand. I feel that I have nothing left to give b/c all the plans I had for myself went up in flames. </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><i><u>And it's not fair!</u></i></span></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></i></b><br />
<b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I want to be free!!!!</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I want my life back... I'm </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">BEGGING</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> for my life back! I can't do this for another 5 years. I don't have anymore fight left in me. </span><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>I want to believe that this is only temporary; but exactly how long is temporary???</i></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br />
</i></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fus0NB0W-Gg">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fus0NB0W-Gg</a></i></span></b></div>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-5644903962383791992012-02-21T18:42:00.000-08:002012-08-11T17:38:48.466-07:00Real Recognize Real<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">The beginning of this year has led me to cash some <i><b>serious</b> </i>reality checks! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">For<i> years</i> now, my reality was <b>clear</b>:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I am who I am! </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I'm a creature of comfort. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I have not and will never like bananas. </span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I am not well.</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">I believe that actions speak volumes!</span></span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am bullshit intolerant.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I'm <i>far</i> from perfect!</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Not everyone's gonna like me & wasting my time trying to please them will NEVER be on my to do list.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">I am strong but can grow weary.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>I. Am. Human!!!!</b></span></span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Knowing who I am has been important to me. But in keeping true to myself I allowed some situations and people into my life w/o first getting to know <i>their</i> truth in relation to <b>me</b>. <i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><b>(Follow me on this one. We're going in deep...)</b></span></i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I stayed in situations that </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>far </b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">exceeded their expiration date b/c I was in denial. I allowed myself to be treated less than anyone should ever deserve. I thought if I just stayed the course, they'd understand what an asset I was & get some act right... </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>*shakes head vigorously*</b></span></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">... </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>WRONG!!!</i></b></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I was in over my head w/ some </span><u style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">serious</u> <i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>fakery!</b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> And </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">let these </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">bullshit force feeding ass bastards</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> in wayy too close for comfort. So much so that in just a few short months, I'd been:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">lied to</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">lied on</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">disrespected</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">mistreated</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">misunderstood </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">misinformed</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">character bashed</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">treated as if I were stupid</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">treated as if I had NO feelings</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">disregarded</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">manipulated</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">misused</span></li>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">And it wasn't until the end of last year that I began to tap into this bologna!!! Once I was no longer<b><i> blinded </i></b>by unrequited feelings, it was time to weed out the true from the false. <b><i><span style="font-size: large;">I had to get back to #1! </span></i></b>My health was declining and so was my patience for ignorant ass peeps. I wasn't gonna go through this again! Not when I made a vow to myself the last time it happened. </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I made mental note of who really cared by concentrating more on their </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">actions</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> rather than continuing to </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">listen </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">to the shit they'd speak just to fill the void of silence. I know </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i>ALL</i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> of what the fakes said/did </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>behind</b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> my back because the reals were </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">protecting it!</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I know who was where when they said they were somewhere else. I know who said what about me, when they knew </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><b>NOTHING </b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">about me. I got the memo and read it oh, so carefully. And crossed off EVERY name that soon revealed themselves </span><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><b>"non-mutha-fuckin' factors"</b>. </span></i><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">To be honest I had plans of serious vengeance at first but I was </span><b style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><i><u>DONE </u></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">wasting my time on those who used me simply to fill in their empty slots. </span><b><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">No more!!!</span></i></b><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> I now know who's there for me when I need them:</span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"> Few but true, they got my back!!! </span></b></i><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I'm not the </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">prettiest</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> or the </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">smartest</i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> or the </span><i style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">nicest </i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">but I am and always will be </span><i><b><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;">human</span></b></i><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, just like you! And I always expect to be treated as such... if not, you better do like the late, </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif; font-size: large;"><b><i>great</i></b></span><span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">, MJ and beat it!</span>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3580710972845693790.post-81547297463063706722012-01-24T16:46:00.000-08:002012-01-24T16:46:11.798-08:00Hello, Grace!!!<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">There are times when you're hit w/ a <strong>hard</strong> reality... and those times, <em>for me</em>, come <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">often</span></strong></em> & <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>close</strong></em></span> between. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">This past year, <em><strong><u>alone</u></strong></em>, has taken me to points I didn't even know existed!! And in those days, where things seemed <em><strong>impossible</strong></em> to handle, I <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">PRAYED</span></em></strong> for death... I wished everyday, <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>so badly</em></span>, that I would just be taken from this hell I was being put through. <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Every day I was given, felt like a curse... as if God were laughing at my cries.</span></em></strong> It had taken a little over 4 years for my <em>optimism</em>, <em>hope</em>... <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>my faith,</strong></span></em> to shape-shift into pure<em> cynicism</em>. </span><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I grew <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em>tired</em></span> of hoping against <span style="font-size: large;"><strong>ALL</strong></span> hope that things would turn around for me. I came to accept the fact that my fate may just lie in an early grave. And if that meant the end to my suffering, than... <strong><em><span style="font-size: large;">so be it!</span></em></strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>I stopped dreaming.</strong></em></span> <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>I stopped living</strong></span></em>... I was on auto-pilot headed towards a very ill fated destiny. I was<strong> alone</strong> in knowing that something had gone <strong><em>terribly awry</em></strong> w/ my body. <span style="font-size: large;">No one believed me</span>... said, <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"it was all in [my] head."</span></strong></em> So, I was pumped<strong><span style="font-size: large;"> FULL</span></strong> of <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>anti-depressants</em></span>, <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">anti-anxiety meds,</span></em> <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">sleeping pills;</span></em> HOPING that would stifle my complaints of <em><strong>pain and fatigue... Vomiting and severe weight loss... joint swelling and weakness... confusion and memory loss...</strong></em> and<span style="font-size: large;"><em><strong> so many more</strong></em></span> symptoms that had <strong><em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">NOTHING</span></em></strong> to do w/ the other... so I <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">had</span></em> to be seeking something: <em><u>Attention, pain killers, a fix of some sort. </u></em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Aaannnddd... I grew </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><strong>tired.</strong></em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I <em>accepted</em> the fact that my <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">earthbound life vessel</span></em> was under a severe attack & b/c no one wanted to believe me... b/c the limited testing they did said otherwise... I'd eventually succumb effects. </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><em><strong>And that scared the shit outta me!!!!! </strong></em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I'd already spent <span style="font-size: large;">YEARS</span> wasting my life away, chasing after this <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">"white whale"</span></strong></em> w/ <span style="font-size: large;"><strong><em><u>NOTHING</u></em></strong></span> but futher destruction to show for it. All I'd planned, all I'd saved and prayed for was snatched from me... <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">STOLEN</span></em> by something no one else chose to see! I was <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">emotionally, physically, mentally</span></em> <strong><span style="font-size: large;"><em>bankrupt</em></span></strong> and I was gonna be <strong><span style="font-size: large;">damned</span></strong> if I brought<strong> <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>anything</em></span></strong> or<strong> <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">anyone</span></em></strong> else into my life <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">only</span></em> for it to be taken away too!!</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">After <em>every</em> doctor's tests returned unto me void, I began operating through <em>sheer</em> <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong><em>fear</em></strong></span>! <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>I was afraid.</strong></em></span> So, I gave up on my dreams. I gave up on myself. I couldn't pour out of myself, only to have it blow up in my face... <em>I wasn't emotionally equipped for disappointment anymore!</em> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong><em>I'd gotten to the point where I would much rather dig my own grave than hear the words, "I'm sorry" again...</em> <u><span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><em>My pride wouldn't let me.</em></span></u></strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Then I realized, I wasn't living in fear of dying...<em><strong> I welcomed it!</strong></em> Then it would prove that I was indeed ailed by something only my gut could explain.--</span><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>But that's no way to live!</strong></em></span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;"><em><strong>I allowed the enemy into my mind. And once he slips into just a crack of your psyche, it becomes his playground. Where he can plant all the seeds he wants. Whisper all the lies that only you can hear. Play you like a pawn... AND if you're not careful... <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">win!</span></strong></em></span></div><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS; font-size: large;"><strong><em><u>BUT</u></em></strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">He's a <strong>liar</strong> and I'm a <em><strong>winner</strong></em>!...<em> I read that somewhere</em>...<strong> *shrugs*</strong> :) I'm no longer living to prove these doctor's wrong. I'm living to... well... <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">live!!!</span></strong></em> My dreams <strong><u>WILL NOT</u></strong> take a backseat to a <em><strong>hide-and-go-seek disease!</strong></em> I'm on the fast track to fighting this thing... and winning (cuz... like I said... <em><strong>I'm a winner</strong></em>). I will <em><strong><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">NEVER</span></strong></em> settle for my cold,<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"> lifeless</span> body on a slab, as the coroner reveals to everyone what I<strong> ALWAYS</strong> knew!!!<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong><em> I wanna be ALIVE</em></strong></span>... <em><span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">writing, acting, married (maybe), w/ at least 4 kids >fresh from MY womb<</span></em>... when those <em>naysayers </em>begin to line up to <strong><span style="font-size: large;">Kiss. My. Ass!!!!!! </span></strong></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em><strong>"I'm no longer afraid. See, I'm BETTER this way!!!!... Hello, Grace!"</strong></em></span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dQp2yx3RB8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dQp2yx3RB8</a>Ty!http://www.blogger.com/profile/16320801622782261975noreply@blogger.com0